Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 2









89b: Rick Moranis / Rickie Lee Jones

The Big Bitch Bull Dyke Bust Out of '89

Zsa Zsa Gabor.....Victoria Jackson
Leona Helmesley.....Nora Dunn
Jim Bakker.....Rick Moranis
Tammy Faye Bakker.....Jan Hooks
Customer.....Jon Lovitz
Clerk.....Phil Hartman

[ SUPER: "Chattanooga Women's Correctional Facility" ]

[ dissolve open on Zsa Zsa Gabor being beat up by the other female prisoners, until Leona Helmesley enters to break it up ]

Leona Helmesley: That's enough!

Buffy: Back off, Leona! Zsa Zsa ain't your problem! Leona Helmesley: That's right, Buffy.. you're my problem! [ pounds Buffy to the ground ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Stop, dahlink, please. She's dead already. Dahlink! [ slaps Leona ]

[ cut to nighttime, show Leona holding a gun to Zsa Zsa's back as they dig through an escape tunnel underneath the prison ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I can't go on any longer, dahlink!

Leona Helmesley: You wanna rot in that stinkin' joint?! Keep digging!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I'm not made for this type of thing. New York is where I'd rather stay..

Leona Helmesley: Shut up!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: I get allergic smelling hay..

Leona Helmesley: Shut up! And you'd better keep that dog quiet!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: He can't help it, he's very nervous.

Leona Helmesley: I'm giving you five seconds to shut that mutt up!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Please, Froo Froo! Mommy needs you to be quiet!

[ Froo Froo continues to bark nervously; Leona gras it and shoots it dead ]

Froo Froo! Ohh! My little Froo Froo!

Leona Helmesley: Stop that whimpering! I said stop that whimpering!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Dahlink, I am stopping the whimpering already..

Leona Helmesley: Then what the hell is that?

[ Jim Bakker breaks through he tunnel, whimpering ]

Jim Bakker: Oh, praise the Lord, thank God! I thought you were the cops. Unh, unh, unh..

Leona Helmesley: Jim Bakker!

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Thank God, dahlink. Someone from show business.

Leona Helmesley: How the hell did you get here?

Jim Bakker: I was tunneling out of the men's prison, and I.. I got lost.. unh.. [ curls into fetal position and cries ]

Leona Helmesley: You little wimp! Get out of that fetal position! I've got an 85-year-old husband who's senile and incontinent, and he's still twice the man you are!

Jim Bakker: Please don't hurt me, Insane Tenant Lady! Hey.. I can help you - I got a getaway car waiting.

Leona Helmesley: Start digging!

[ dissolve to Tammy Faye Bakker waiting in the getaway car, singing her praises to God as Jim, Leona and Zsa Zsa stumble into the car ]

Tammy Faye Bakker: Jim..? Who are these women, have you had their way with them? I forgive you! I do! I forgive you! [ weeps ]

Jim Bakker: They forced me to take them along!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Are they Christians?

Leona Helmesley: [ points her gun at Tammy's head ] This is my gun.. [ opens the barrel ] ..and these are his six apostles!

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ weeping ] Oh, Dear Lord in Heaven, hear my prayer, oh Lord!

[ toy car and road map illustrates the trek across country the four members of the gang have taken ]

[ disolve to interior, 7-11 somewhere in the Midwest ]

Clerk: Okay, that's a Playboy, a Penthouse, a large coffee, and a Nodoze.. [ accepts payment ] Thank you.

Customer: Thank you! [ exits 7-11 ]

Leona enters with gun pointed to a weeping Tammy Faye Bakker's back ]

Clerk: Hello, ma'am! May I help you?

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ trying to point her eyes towards Leona on the side ] Oh, gosh, what is it that I want? [ giggles nervously ]

Clerk: That's alright, ma'am, just calm down. You take your time, and then tell me what you need.

Leona Helmesley: [ moves in and points her gun at the Clerk ] I'll tell you what we need, we need the MONEY!!

Clerk: [ trembling ] Okay, okay, lady, don't shoot!

Tammy Faye Bakker: [ praying as she takes the money from the cash register ] Oh, Lord, please forgive us for what we're doing..

Leona Helmesley: Don't look at me! Don't look at me!!

Clerk: I'm not looking at you!!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Don't kill him, Leona, please don't kill him!!

Leona Helmesley: [ angry ] You said my NAME!! You said my NAME!!

[ back at the car, Jim hits on Zsa Zsa ]

Jim Bakker: Of course, Tammy.. forgave me for my indescretion with Jessica.. But that's the kind of marriage we have. It's open. [ a gunshot is heard ] What the hel was that?! [ starts weeping ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: Get a grip on yourself, dahlink!

Jim Bakker: I'm okay.. [ weeps some more ]

[ inside, Leona and Tammy Faye are arguing, as the Clerk lays dying across the counter ]

Leona Helmesley: I'm taking this out ot the car - here.. [ hands the gun over ] ..you finish him off! [ exits ]

Tammy Faye Bakker: No, I can't do that! I can't.. [ her mascara is running down her face as she cries ] Oh, Lord.. I know I've asked you for a lot.. but grant me this one prayer: please let this witness die of wounds already received! Oh, Lord.. this is the only thing I ask of you: let this witness die!"

Leona Helmesley: [ re-enters ] I told you to finish him off! [ takes the gun and shoots the Clerk dead at last ]

[ toy car and road map illustrates the trek across country the four members of the gang have taken ]

Zsa Zsa Gabor: [ holding up the stolen money ] Alright, dahlinks, I've figured it out - we've got $1,648, that's $412 each, dahlink..

Leona Helmesley: You're gonna give them half!

Tammy Faye Bakker: Well, why shouldn't we get equal shares? WE run the same risk!

Leona Helmesley: Oh, yeah, right, "We run the same risk.." Then why, when it's your turn to pull the trigger, you wuss up?!

Tammy Faye Bakker: I'm going to say something, and I'm going to say it right now: I think you killed far too may people on this spree! You didn't hsave to kill that clown in front of the car wash, it was just part of a promotion!

Jim Bakker: Praise Thee!

Leona Helmesley: Wait a minute.. the car wash.. How come we only have $1,600 - that was a thousand right there! A thousand at the car wash, eight-hundred at the photomat..

Zsa Zsa Gabor: That's right, dahlin, we should have a lot more..

[ the Bakkers whistle quietly ]

Leona Helmesley: Bakker?

Jim Bakker: I swear I didn't do it! [ Leona points her gun ] Alright! Alright! It's in my pants!

Leona Helmesley: [ pulls it out of his pants ] Is that it?

Jim Bakker: There's a fifty taped to the bottom of the oil can..

Leona Helmesley: Any more?!

Jim Bakker: I mailed myself $200 from the last motel..

Leona Helmesley: That's all?!

Jim Bakker: I put a five in a baggie and swallowed it!

Leona Helmesley: And?

Jim Bakker: That's it!

Leona Helmesley: Al-right, you sonofabitch, you're dead meat! If ZSa ZSa could drive a stick, your brains would be splattered all over that window!!

Jim Bakker: No! no! Noooooo!!

[ Jim loses control of the wheel, as they careen over a cliff ]

[ SUPER: "THE END" ]

[ Scrolling SUPER: "The character of Leona Helmesley was actually a composite of many characters, including the real Leona Helmsley and a number of convicted serial killers. The characters of Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker and Zsa Zsa Gabor, however, are based on fact." ]

[ fade out ]


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