89h: Robert Wagner / Linda Ronstadt & Aaron Neville

David Rockefeller

David Rockefeller ... Phil Hartman

[We see a lovely view of the giant Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center at night and hear a solemn instrumental version of "Silent Night" -- after a moment, gray-haired zillionaire David Rockefeller appears and addresses the camera with his upper class accent.]

David Rockefeller: Hello. I'm David Rockefeller. A few weeks ago, my family sold the controlling interest in Rockefeller Center to the Mitsubishi Corporation of Japan. Since then, there's been a public outcry from people who are distraught that we're selling off our architectural treasures to the Japanese. It seems there's a perception that the Japanese are some "evil empire" to be feared and distrusted. Well, I just want to reassure the American people that the Rockefeller empire is every bit as evil. ... Probably more so!

After all, my grandfather, John D. the First, built our family fortune on corruption, thievery, blackmail, murder, and the exploitation of common working people. Now, my father may be of interest to those of you in labor unions. Why, one time, he sent his men down to a camp of striking coal miners and they drove through in an armored car and machine-gunned the whole area, setting it on fire. Now, weren't you a little quick to judge those Mitsubishi people? ...

Dad hated everyone. And, if he were alive, he'd hate you. ... He would! I do! ... So, the next time the Japanese buy some institution that you hold dear, let's remember that you shouldn't be judged by the color of your skin -- but, rather, by the blackness of your soul. ... Good night and merry Christmas and -- I'm evil.

[Applause. Fade out on a grinning David Rockefeller.]


Submitted Anonymously