Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 8




89h: Robert Wagner / Linda Ronstadt & Aaron Neville

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

... Dennis Miller

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller!

[Lengthy cheers and applause for Dennis.]

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, you're - you're almost too kind. You know ... What can I tell ya?

The embattled East German Communist Party is debating a name change. They've whittled it down to two choices, either the "Social Democratic Workers Party" or the "Wolverines" and ... in either case, though, the mascot will be a wolverine.

[Photo of several rows of tough-looking uniformed men] A convention of dictators was held this week in Las Vegas, Nevada. ... Shooting broke out when the scheduled performer, Gallagher, was replaced by Howie Mandel. ...

[Photo of President George Bush and Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes spokesman Ed McMahon shaking hands] Ed McMahon knocked on the White House door yesterday and handed President Bush a check for ten million dollars ... proving that the contest really is on the level. ...

President Bush said this week that while he was limited in his discussions with Gorbachev at the Malta conference because of the bizarre weather conditions, they did agree to have a summit sometime next year in the summer. And Bush said he plans to hold the summit thirty miles north of Los Angeles on the San Andreas fault. ...

The White House says that President Bush plans to attend a drug summit in Colombia in February. Hey, ya know, that's a press junket I thought I might pass on, huh? [heavy sarcasm] "Oh! An exclusive?! Riding in the president's car through downtown Bogota?! Oh, yeah! Yeah! Gee, sorry! I got a "Back to the Future III" thing at the Waldorf that day." ...

[Photo of military man with giant, curly handlebar mustache] And it was revealed this week that the latest coup attempt in the Philippines was under the leadership of this man, Generalissimo Dad. ...

[Photo of Soviet Premier Gorbachev sitting across a desk from Pope John Paul II] Mikhail Gorbachev recently was the first Soviet leader to have an audience with the Pope. He is pictured here in the Vatican library just before the pontiff pushed the button on the trap door chair. ... Afterwards - afterwards, no one laughed harder than the Kremlin chief. ...

And, according to reports out of Berlin this week, since the Wall has come down, millions of elderly East Germans have been complaining about a bit of a draft. ... [applause and cheers]

You know, I'm, uh - You know, I'm trepidatious about a unified Germany in much the same way I am about Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis getting back together. ... I haven't really enjoyed any of their previous collaborations and I'm not sure I need to see any of their new stuff. ...

[Photos of White House unveiling ceremony and a portrait of Ronald Reagan posed with a hand on his desk] President Reagan's official portrait was unveiled this week at a White House ceremony. Appropriately enough, the portrait depicts the absent-minded president inadvertently pressing the button on his desk and destroying the planet. ...

Olympic star Nadia Comaneci announced that she plans to live with her married lover, Constantine Panait, the man who helped her escape from Romania last week. Nadia, who won all those gold medals in the '76 Olympics is still in great shape, as you can see here. [photo of Nadia doing a spectacular mid-air backbend] Her boyfriend, Constantine, is now in a south Florida hospital having all the bones in his body removed. ... Except THAT one! ... [cheers and applause] But that's not really a bone, is it? ... [photo of Nadia sticking her tongue out] Just an amazingly intricate set of capillaries ... Boy, science blows me away! You know-- ... [cheers]

Asked if she didn't - asked if she didn't think it was unfair to ask a married man to leave his wife and four children for her, Comaneci said, "So what? It doesn't matter." [Dennis shakes his head and adopts a singsong tone] Nad-i-a! [holds up a sign reading "4.0" and shakes his head sadly] ... [cheers and applause]

In Louisiana, Republican state representative David Duke, a former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, announced this week that he will seek the U.S. Senate seat in Louisiana. When Duke was asked if he didn't feel his past as a Ku Klux Klan leader would haunt him in his political aspirations forever, he said, "There's no way people will ever forget that. I guess it's my cross to burn forever." ...

And now, it's time for "Dennis Miller's Christmas Craft Corner"! ... This week, I'll be showing you how to make that special Christmas wreath project [dumps a bag's worth of Wonder Bread wrappers on the desk in front of him] out of all those old, used Wonder Bread wrappers. ... [Bobbing his head enthusiastically as if hosting a craft show] Now, what you do is, you take eight or ten Wonder Bread wrappers, like I have here-- [Using his arm, Dennis suddenly sweeps the wrappers off the desk and on to the floor - bluntly] And you get rid of 'em. Ya get a credit card, you go to a store, you buy a wreath. All right? Thank you. ... [cheers and applause]

[Photo of elderly comedian George Burns holding a copy of one of his books] And, this morning, George Burns displayed a hardcover book that was removed from his urinary tract Thursday ... in a delicate three-hour operation. ... Burns said that he was curious to read the book that had been formed by the slow action of chemical processes in his bladder. ...

A nasal spray that stops bed-wetting was approved this week by the Food and Drug Administration. The FDA has also approved plans for a catheter that will cure allergies. ...

New York State Lottery officials today unveiled a new Lotto card that has an almost fifty percent chance of winning two million dollars. Cards will go on sale next month at a million dollars a pop. ...

Domino's Pizza owner Tom Monaghan said yesterday he may sell the company to his employees. Talks are already in progress but Monaghan said if the deal isn't completed in thirty minutes, they can have the whole company for nothing. ...

A sports note. Sugar Ray Leonard defeated Roberto Duran in a unanimous decision Thursday night in Las Vegas. Boy, did you see Round Seven? Did you see how mad Duran got when Sugar Ray kicked his walker out from underneath of him? ... Asked about his future plans, Duran said he'll keep his date to fight next month against renowned character actor Hume Cronin. [photo of the elderly Cronin] ...

In a last-minute Christmas rush to cash in on the media hype surrounding "Trump: The Game," the Gruber Corporation has now created "Merv: The Game." The rules are the same except that, when playing "Merv," the person who finishes a distant second is the winner. ...

TV Guide came out with a special issue this week on television in the eighties and features a section called "Twenty Moments that Shaped - and Shook - the Decade." The number-seventh-rated moment was "Luke Weds Laura" on "General Hospital" and the number-twelfth-rated moment was "Diane Leaves Sam" on "Cheers." And the number-twentieth-rated moment was "The Berlin Wall Opens." ... Maybe those East Berliners should just turn around and go back, huh? They don't know what it's like out here. ...

[Photo of two gigantic Japanese sumo wrestlers - in the background, a ringside observer has a good view of one wrestler's backside] You know, I can't even tell you what makes these sumo wrestlers tick ... but I can tell ya that that man in the background is lookin' at the worst thing he'll ever see in his life. ... [cheers and applause] And-- There - there are just some events you don't want to be ringside at. You know-- ...

Starting in January, Gumbel fans will have their choice of morning show Gumbels. Bryant on NBC or big brother Greg on CBS. Actually Bryant doesn't have a brother but a recent ego overflow was enough to make another Gumbel. ...

Guess what, folks? That's the news and I - am - out o' here!


Submitted Anonymously


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