89h: Robert Wagner / Linda Ronstadt & Aaron Neville
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
... Dennis Miller
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with
anchorperson Dennis Miller!
[Lengthy cheers and applause for Dennis.]
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you,
you're - you're almost too kind. You know ... What
can I tell ya?
The embattled East German Communist Party is debating
a name change. They've whittled it down to two
choices, either the "Social Democratic Workers Party"
or the "Wolverines" and ... in either case, though,
the mascot will be a wolverine.
[Photo of several rows of tough-looking uniformed men]
A convention of dictators was held this week in Las
Vegas, Nevada. ... Shooting broke out when the
scheduled performer, Gallagher, was replaced by Howie
[Photo of President George Bush and Publishers
Clearinghouse Sweepstakes spokesman Ed McMahon shaking
hands] Ed McMahon knocked on the White House door
yesterday and handed President Bush a check for ten
million dollars ... proving that the contest really is
on the level. ...
President Bush said this week that while he was
limited in his discussions with Gorbachev at the Malta
conference because of the bizarre weather conditions,
they did agree to have a summit sometime next year in
the summer. And Bush said he plans to hold the summit
thirty miles north of Los Angeles on the San Andreas
The White House says that President Bush plans to
attend a drug summit in Colombia in February. Hey, ya
know, that's a press junket I thought I might pass on,
huh? [heavy sarcasm] "Oh! An exclusive?! Riding in the
president's car through downtown Bogota?! Oh, yeah!
Yeah! Gee, sorry! I got a "Back to the Future III"
thing at the Waldorf that day." ...
[Photo of military man with giant, curly handlebar
mustache] And it was revealed this week that the
latest coup attempt in the Philippines was under the
leadership of this man, Generalissimo Dad. ...
[Photo of Soviet Premier Gorbachev sitting across a
desk from Pope John Paul II] Mikhail Gorbachev
recently was the first Soviet leader to have an
audience with the Pope. He is pictured here in the
Vatican library just before the pontiff pushed the
button on the trap door chair. ... Afterwards -
afterwards, no one laughed harder than the Kremlin
And, according to reports out of Berlin this week,
since the Wall has come down, millions of elderly East
Germans have been complaining about a bit of a draft.
... [applause and cheers]
You know, I'm, uh - You know, I'm trepidatious about a
unified Germany in much the same way I am about Dean
Martin and Jerry Lewis getting back together. ... I
haven't really enjoyed any of their previous
collaborations and I'm not sure I need to see any of
their new stuff. ...
[Photos of White House unveiling ceremony and a
portrait of Ronald Reagan posed with a hand on his
desk] President Reagan's official portrait was
unveiled this week at a White House ceremony.
Appropriately enough, the portrait depicts the
absent-minded president inadvertently pressing the
button on his desk and destroying the planet.
Olympic star Nadia Comaneci announced that she plans
to live with her married lover, Constantine Panait,
the man who helped her escape from Romania last week.
Nadia, who won all those gold medals in the '76
Olympics is still in great shape, as you can see here.
[photo of Nadia doing a spectacular mid-air backbend]
Her boyfriend, Constantine, is now in a south Florida
hospital having all the bones in his body removed. ...
Except THAT one! ... [cheers and applause] But that's
not really a bone, is it? ... [photo of Nadia sticking
her tongue out] Just an amazingly intricate set of
capillaries ... Boy, science blows me away! You know--
Asked if she didn't - asked if she didn't think it was
unfair to ask a married man to leave his wife and four
children for her, Comaneci said, "So what? It doesn't
matter." [Dennis shakes his head and adopts a singsong
tone] Nad-i-a! [holds up a sign reading "4.0" and
shakes his head sadly] ... [cheers and applause]
In Louisiana, Republican state representative David
Duke, a former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan,
announced this week that he will seek the U.S. Senate
seat in Louisiana. When Duke was asked if he didn't
feel his past as a Ku Klux Klan leader would haunt him
in his political aspirations forever, he said,
"There's no way people will ever forget that. I guess
it's my cross to burn forever." ...
And now, it's time for "Dennis Miller's Christmas
Craft Corner"! ... This week, I'll be showing you how
to make that special Christmas wreath project [dumps a
bag's worth of Wonder Bread wrappers on the desk in
front of him] out of all those old, used Wonder Bread
wrappers. ... [Bobbing his head enthusiastically as if
hosting a craft show] Now, what you do is, you take
eight or ten Wonder Bread wrappers, like I have here--
[Using his arm, Dennis suddenly sweeps the wrappers
off the desk and on to the floor - bluntly] And you
get rid of 'em. Ya get a credit card, you go to a
store, you buy a wreath. All right? Thank you. ...
[cheers and applause]
[Photo of elderly comedian George Burns holding a copy
of one of his books] And, this morning, George Burns
displayed a hardcover book that was removed from his
urinary tract Thursday ... in a delicate three-hour
operation. ... Burns said that he was curious to read
the book that had been formed by the slow action of
chemical processes in his bladder. ...
A nasal spray that stops bed-wetting was approved this
week by the Food and Drug Administration. The FDA has
also approved plans for a catheter that will cure
New York State Lottery officials today unveiled a new
Lotto card that has an almost fifty percent chance of
winning two million dollars. Cards will go on sale
next month at a million dollars a pop. ...
Domino's Pizza owner Tom Monaghan said yesterday he
may sell the company to his employees. Talks are
already in progress but Monaghan said if the deal
isn't completed in thirty minutes, they can have the
whole company for nothing. ...
A sports note. Sugar Ray Leonard defeated Roberto
Duran in a unanimous decision Thursday night in Las
Vegas. Boy, did you see Round Seven? Did you see how
mad Duran got when Sugar Ray kicked his walker out
from underneath of him? ... Asked about his future
plans, Duran said he'll keep his date to fight next
month against renowned character actor Hume Cronin.
[photo of the elderly Cronin] ...
In a last-minute Christmas rush to cash in on the
media hype surrounding "Trump: The Game," the Gruber
Corporation has now created "Merv: The Game." The
rules are the same except that, when playing "Merv,"
the person who finishes a distant second is the
TV Guide came out with a special issue this week on
television in the eighties and features a section
called "Twenty Moments that Shaped - and Shook - the
Decade." The number-seventh-rated moment was "Luke
Weds Laura" on "General Hospital" and the
number-twelfth-rated moment was "Diane Leaves Sam" on
"Cheers." And the number-twentieth-rated moment was
"The Berlin Wall Opens." ... Maybe those East
Berliners should just turn around and go back, huh?
They don't know what it's like out here. ...
[Photo of two gigantic Japanese sumo wrestlers - in
the background, a ringside observer has a good view of
one wrestler's backside] You know, I can't even tell
you what makes these sumo wrestlers tick ... but I can
tell ya that that man in the background is lookin' at
the worst thing he'll ever see in his life. ...
[cheers and applause] And-- There - there are just
some events you don't want to be ringside at. You
Starting in January, Gumbel fans will have their
choice of morning show Gumbels. Bryant on NBC or big
brother Greg on CBS. Actually Bryant doesn't have a
brother but a recent ego overflow was enough to make
another Gumbel. ...
Guess what, folks? That's the news and I - am - out o'