Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 9

89i: Andie MacDowell / Tracy Chapman

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

... Dennis Miller
Mrs. Claus ... Victoria Jackson
... Al Franken
... Joe Franken

Music Intro: The coda of "Hey Jude" by the Beatles.

Don Pardo V/O: And, now, "Weekend Update" with anchorperson, Dennis Miller.

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell ya?

[Newsweek cover with photo of President George Bush pointing with index finger to Soviet Premier Mikhail Gorbachev.] Boy, it might have been a short summit conference but, towards the end, these two guys got so cozy, right after this photo was taken, Bush had Gorby pullin' on his finger. ...

You know, President Bush has claimed that recent pro-democracy changes in Czechoslovakia are the direct result of influence by his administration. In a related story, Prague held its first free elections in over thirty years and Czech freedom fighter Alexander Dubcek has been linked to furloughed Massachusetts rapist Willie Horton. ...

[Photo of Vice President Dan Quayle delivering a speech] An awkward moment during his speech this week in New York when Vice President Dan Quayle's face plate popped off. ... [Doctored photo of Quayle with face gone, replaced by robot technology] ... and they had to resolder a circuit board before the speech could continue. ... [cheers and applause]

[Photo of Secretary of State James Baker peeping through a hole in the Berlin Wall] Secretary of State James Baker was in West Berlin this week and couldn't resist taking a peek through the Berlin Wall. Here's what he saw through the peephole. [Video of two scantily-clad women boxers slugging it out in a bar] ... Afterwards, he went backstage to meet one of the performers. [Photo of Baker with a black eye, shaking hands with British Prime Minister Margaret "The Iron Maiden" Thatcher] ... [applause]

Egyptian authorities this week reopened an investigation into what really happened last year when a seven hundred pound chunk of the Sphinx plummeted to the ground. The crumbling Sphinx -- could it have been sabotage? To answer that question, the Egyptian government has called in a blue-ribbon panel of erosion experts. [Photos of actress Joan Collins, evangelist Tammy Faye Bakker and one of the Gabor sisters] ... [crowd oohs, Dennis cracks up, some applause]

And, now, just in from the North Pole, is a very perturbed Mrs. Claus. Hello, Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: Hi, Dennis. [Cheers and applause for bespectacled, white-haired Mrs. Claus who wears a red suit with white fur fringe - She speaks more in sorrow than in anger as she waves to the crowd] Hello, everybody. Dennis, thank you so much for letting me do this. I - I'm sick and tired of my husband ignoring me. And I know he watches the news every night so he might see this. [pleading, into camera] Santa, I've tried everything to distract you from making those stupid toys all year and leaving me alone every Christmas Eve with the elves. This is my final attempt to get your attention.

[Brief electric guitar intro, then Mrs. Claus sings:]

Every year you go away
While I'm turning old and gray
Santa, please skip Christmas this year -

[Mrs. Claus pulls down her top to expose her bare shoulders, pulls off her white wig and tousles her blonde locks.]

I dyed my hair, I lost some weight
I could make ya feel really great
Santa, please skip Christmas this year -

[takes off eyeglasses]

Everybody knows by now
Santa Claus is just not how
Presents end up under the Christmas tree -
Look at me!

[slides over to embrace Dennis]

I'm horny as a bat from hell [kisses Dennis on cheek]
I need your love - can't you tell?

[Instead of singing the line "Santa, please skip Christmas this year," Mrs. Claus repeatedly smooches Dennis, smearing his face with lipstick - then breathlessly climbs up on the WU desk to pose provocatively, revealing a short, fur-trimmed skirt and black stockings. Dennis tries to straighten his sheaf of news bulletins but she pushes them away.]

We could drink some eggnog
Lay down by the fire
Think of all those tingly things
Our little red suits - could inspire

[climbs off desk]

Everyone knows you don't exist
So you could never be missed
Pillows belong on a bed, not under your shirt

[sits in Dennis' lap]

Lose that list that you've checked twice
[puts her arms around Dennis]
I'll be naughty, I'll be nice
Put something in my stocking Christmas Eve
We could be rocking

The children will all be okay
[As she leans in toward the camera, her microphone emits feedback]
Maybe we could even-- [looks down at her mike, startled]
Maybe-- [glances back at Dennis, turns, winks into camera]
Maybe we could even conceive some of our own today -
Santa, please skip Christmas this year -
[rises for a stop-time climax, shakes her hips]
I'll ring your be-e-ells!
Santa, please skip Christmas this year -
Some milk and cookies!
[drops into Dennis' lap again]
Santa, give it to me!
Give it to me -
[big finish]
This yeeeeeeeeear!

[Song ends, huge cheers and applause as Mrs. Claus gives Dennis a huge kiss on the lips, rises] Whoo hoo! [laughing, she sits in her own chair again and watches as Dennis fans himself with his sheaf of papers and uses a handkerchief to wipe some of the lipstick off his face. She yells out:] Never mind, Santa Claus! [sidles up to Dennis and lovingly takes his arm]

Dennis Miller: Well. Thank you, Mrs. Claus.

Mrs. Claus: [shyly] Thank you. [exits]

Dennis Miller: Suddenly, I'm sitting here with a candy cane. ... [applause, wipes off more lipstick] Wow. Now, is it just me or did she just get feedback off her breasts? You know-- ... [Dennis cracks up]

You know, today marks the birthday of Ludwig van Beethoven, the noted eighteenth century composer who inspired the hit song, "Roll Over, Beethoven." ...

And Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver became parents this week for the first time. They had a beautiful baby daughter who was born in a Los Angeles hospital. The attending physician said there's no mistaking it's Arnold's kid. The baby immediately began doing pull-ups on the umbilical cord. ...

A judge ruled yesterday that reputed mob boss John Gotti can learn the names of the jurors in his upcoming assault trial -- but not their businesses or home addresses. Jury foreman John Smith said that he is not worried ... but juror Laika Jardel Rapsanick said, "Yeah, I'm a little worried but, uh ... I'm pretty sure he's not guilty." ...

Last week, the National Capital Planning Commission approved a National Park Service proposal to give the Washington Monument grounds one of the most extensive face lifts in its hundred and five year history. The first step in the plan is to bring in, once again, a blue-ribbon panel of restoration experts. [Photos, once again, of actress Joan Collins, evangelist Tammy Faye Bakker and one of the Gabor sisters] ... [some applause]

Tonight will be the last Weekend Update of the Al Franken Decade and here to give his thoughts on the '90s is Al Franken. Welcome, Al!

Al Franken: [cheers and applause for bespectacled Al Franken, in suit and tie] Thank you, Dennis. In December 1979, I sat behind this desk and asked you to think about what you could do for me, Al Franken. [SUPER: AL FRANKEN] ... Well, it's ten years later and I know you're wondering what the '90s will bring for me, Al Franken. [SUPER: AL FRANKEN] Another Al Franken Decade? No. No, in the '90s, I'm going to be looking beyond myself, Al Franken. [SUPER: AL FRANKEN] Because, frankly, I'm worried about the kind of world we're leaving to my children. I've had two this decade. A son, Joe. And a daughter-- Uh-- [can't remember daughter's name] ... Boy, this is embarrassing. Um-- I can see her face. She's - she's really beautiful. In fact, when I look at my kids, I see me, Al Franken. [SUPER: AL FRANKEN] ... And that's why the 1990s will be the Joe Franken Decade. Joe? [Five year old Joe Franken, a tiny boy in a checked suit and tie, rolls into view on a chair and joins his father - cheers and applause] Hi, Joe.

Joe Franken: Hi, Dad. [SUPER: JOE FRANKEN]

Al Franken: Ah, I under-- First of all, congratulations on, uh, first, on being my son. And, uh-- ... And on my decision to make the 1990s the Joe Franken Decade. Now, I understand you - you have a joke for us.

Joe Franken: Knock knock.

Al Franken: Who's there?

Joe Franken: Me.

Al Franken: Me, who?

Joe Franken: Me, Joe Franken. [SUPER: JOE FRANKEN] ... [applause]

Al Franken: And, Joe, your watchword for the '90s is?

Joe Franken: [enthusiastic, with pumping of fists] YES! ...

Al Franken: By the way, Joe will, uh, turn fifteen just before the close of the Joe Franken Decade. You - you did a good job, Joe.

Joe Franken: Thank you, Daddy.

Al Franken: Ah, and, for those of you who won't be, uh, in - be able to be in Times Square on New Year's Eve, here's a little peek at how the Joe Franken Decade will be ushered in.

[Cut to Times Square at night where a lighted ball with Al's face drops as a roaring crowd counts down to zero. When it hits bottom, green neon text reading "1989 - GOODBYE AL" switches to "1990 - HELLO JOE - HAPPY JOE FRANKEN DECADE" and Al's face is replaced with Joe's. Fireworks explode, the lighted ball ascends, the crowd roars. Extended cheers and applause as we dissolve back to the WU desk.]

Al Franken: Dennis?

Dennis Miller: [shakes hands with Joe and Al] Thank you, Al. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, buddy. Joe Franken. [Al puts a supportive hand on Joe's shoulder and kisses him on the head] Thank you, Joe, thank you. I already like him better than the old man. You know-- ...

[Photo of Mount Rushmore] Ravaged by time and weather, the Mount Rushmore faces are being studied by mineralogists to see if the granite needs resurfacing. And, to aid in the decision, they've called in a blue-ribbon panel ... of experts for advice. [Photos, one last time, of Joan Collins, Tammy Faye Bakker and that Gabor sister.]

[Photo of aging ex-Beatle Paul McCartney and co-author of song "When I'm Sixty-Four" who had played four concerts that week at New York's Madison Square Garden.] You know, if he keeps this up, we'll be able to tell him to his face if we still need him when he's sixty-four. ...

[Image of "Doogie Howser, M.D." on cover of TV Guide] This week's-- This is this week's cover of TV Guide and, you know, I find it easier to believe in the concept of a sixteen year old surgeon than I do to believe in a sixteen year old kid who hasn't asked his parents to stop calling him "Doogie." ...

The American bald eagle, whose population plummeted two decades ago, has made such a dramatic recovery that federal officials say it will no longer be an "endangered species" but rather a "threatened species." Trying to figure out why sportsmen are not going after the bald eagle as much as they used to, a wildlife spokesman said, "The only thing we can figure is that many hunters are put off by the fact that the bald eagles often pull hair from this side of their skull over to this side of their skull to cover the bald spot." ...

[Photo of actresses Vivien Leigh and Hattie McDaniel in "Gone with the Wind"] This week, to celebrate its fiftieth anniversary, Ted Turner's Superstation broadcast the classic "Gone with the Wind." This time, Turner racially colorized the film [Vivien Leigh turns black and Hattie McDaniel turns white] so that the white actors became black and the black actors became white, confusing many who were seeing the movie for the first time. ...

[Doctored photo of boxing promoter Don King with tinsel and Christmas ornaments in his towering head of hair] And Don King had his annual hair trimming party yesterday. ...

Guess what, folks? That's the news and I am out o' here! Merry Christmas!

[Cheers, applause and more of "Hey Jude" by the Beatles. Dennis grooves to the music as we pull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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