Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10






89j: Ed O'Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

SNL In The 90's

.....Lorne Michaels
Church Lady.....Dana Carvey
.....Phil Hartman

Lorne Michaels: Hello, I'm Lorne Michaels. And, as you know, this is our first show of the 1990's. And all of us here at "Saturday Night Live" are very excited. For you see, unlike other television shows, we plan to keep right in step with this fantastic new decade, and all the changes it is bringing.

First of all, from now on all cast members will be equipped with jetpacks, to allow them free and rapid movement during a sketch.

[ Church Lady hovers by slowly on a jetpack ]

Church Lady: Well, isn't that special?

Lorne Michaels: Yes, Church Lady, it truly is. Another change is that you'll no longer be listening to the "Saturday Night Live" band. Recent advances in audio technology have enabled us to replace them with this silicon globule. [ displays the globule ] Similar advances have enabled us to replace Jon Lovitz.. with this.

Globule V/O: Yes.. that is the tick-et.

Lorne Michaels: We'll be gradually automating all of our cast members, with the execption of Phil Hartman.. who, as you know, is an android.

[ smiling, android-like Phil Hartman steps up to give Lorne a handshake ]

Phil Hartman: Hello, Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: Hello, Phil.

[ android Phil Hartman steps backwards off the stage, barely moving a muscle ]

Lorne Michaels: But that's not at all. The "Saturday Night Live" of the 90's will also make food for you. Just place your "Saturday Night Live" frozen dinner in front of your TV screen while the musical guest is performing, and the show will emit ultraviolet rays that will cook it in three minutes. It's a delicious meal, and it's made by Stouffer's.

[ a futuristic logo flies into the righthand corner of the screen, its colors throbbing and glowing vibrantly as Lorne talks ]

Ah! It's the new "Saturday Night Live" logo! Especially designed to capture the excitement of the 90's, the logo was created at John-Hopkins University and has the ability to read your mind. Its colors and hapes reveal how you're responding to a sketch.

[ the silicon globule screeches ]

I see we'd better wrap things up. But, before I go, just one more feature of the show, that you'll find at your local drugstore. From now on, if you miss a show for any reason, you can grab a "Saturday Night Live" rerun pill, pop it in your mouth, and enjoy. [ pops a rerun pill into his mouth ] Mmm.. Tony Danza! It still holds up!

Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy these changes throughout the decade, and that you'll learn to-

Don Pardo V/O: Wait a minute, Lorne! You forgot me!

Lorne Michaels: Oh, I'm sorry! Don! [ a stangehand hands a tortoise to Lorne ] I forgot to mention that the voicebox of our announcer, Don Pardo, has been surgically-implanted in a young tortoise. This will ensure that Don will be the voice of "Saturday Night Live" for the next 150 years! Right, Don?

[ close-up of the tortoise, his mouth actually moving in sync to Don Pardo's V/O ]

Don Pardo V/O: Right, Lorne!

[ dissolve to new futuristic "Saturday Night Live" logo glowing different colors ]

Don Pardo V/O: The new "Saturday Night Live". Retooled, state-of-the-art.. high-tech entertainment that has the Japanese on the run.

[ dissolve back to wide shot of Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: I think.. we have a lot to offer. And all of us here at the show hope we'll be in your future. Thank you.

[ the image of Lorne Michaels folds inward, into a line, then is covered by a bright light and disappears the same way the picture does when older televisions are turned off ]

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts