Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 10




89j: Ed O'Neill / Harry Connick, Jr.

Lothar of the Hill People

Lothar.....Mike Myers
Tyler.....Phil Hartman
Faldor.....Ed O'Neill

Lothar: [ to the audience ] I am Lothar of the Hill People! Much have I have seen, and much have I done, for I am Lothar of the Hill People! [ sits next to Tyler and Faldor ] Faldor, Tyler, of what do speak?

Tyler: We speak of many things! The hunt! Fire! The weakness of women!

Lothar: Do not tell me that women are weak! For today, my woman has cast me out of the hut!

Faldor: Mine, as well!

Tyler: My woman, also! She behaves as if I am unimportant!

Lothar: Yes! I am Chieftan of all the Hill People! But in my own hut, I am deemed no better than foul humors discharged from the body!

Faldor: Ah, yes. I, too, have worn the brown helmet. It vexes me!

Lothar: You know, I will do battle with my woman, and lose. I will do battle with my woman, and win.. and yet, I still lose! And I am supposed to feel great sorrow for her! I swear, by Zeena's teats, if I hand her advantage on the field of war, I would be a god.

Faldor: To this, I can relate. At dawn, I leave the hut; my woman is happy in her toil. When I return from my daily gathering, I am tired and hungry; there is no food or fire, because she has dragged out her ceremonial betroval skins and spent the day weeping because they do not fit. And somehow all this is my fault! I tell you, that ties a knot in my pelt! And now, her family has come to comfort her. They have been with us since Nordis blew his icy breath. And, I tell you, if her brother is not out of my hut by piping time, there will be a clubbing!

Lothar: My woman's family dwelled among us for some time. My woman would not walk with me while they were in our hut. She felt her matriarch would not approve of her walking with a man. I told her that her mother must have walked freely with somebody at sometime, or she would not be here for this conversation. My point was futile. It was like trying to tell the people not to eat monkey heads!

Tyler: Ah. There are days that I am so troubled, that I swear I will never walk with a woman again! And keep only the company of men!

Faldor: I have a brother who made that pledge.

Tyler: Oh, do not be misled.. the urge to walk with women is still there, there has never been any question of that! But my woman is so unpredictable! After the last great hunt, I stopped by the council fire and the feast!

Lothar: Ah, I know it well - it was a good feast, albeit a formal one.

Tyler: I drank many falgens of mead, as is my custom, and invited my fellow warriors to the hut for a game of sticks and rocks. I sent my woman ahead to prepare for us, but when I arrived, I found my personal collection of sacred relics and amulets scattered outside the hut, as if thrown with great force! Above the door is the Talisman of Gleadley, signifying death to all who cross it! Since then, I have been in the company of men!

Lothar: I have seen woman behave like this - they frighten cattle!

Faldor: What gives women such power? We are the warriors! We are the chieftans!

Lothar: Yes! Who smoked the Tree People when they attacked with a force three times greater than our own - women?

Tyler & Faldor: No!! Men!!

Tyler: And who was it that redirected the River Zoro, so the harvest would be more bountiful!

All: Men!!

Faldor: And who is it that can write their name in the snow without using their hand! Men!

[ Lothar are Tyler stare at Faldor ]

Lothar: Well.. that is a lesser point.. But you are a man, and we will overlook it!

Tyler: Yes! Slacks shall be cut for you, my friend!

Lothar: And who is better at creating a social and domestic order - one in which we can all create, and be at our best? [ pause ] Again, that is a bad example. Let us sing a song to help us forget about women!

Tyler: Yes!

Lothar: Yes! Let us sing "The Man Song"! You know the tune!

[ they stand ]

All: [ singing ]
"Men, men, men, men
Men are better than women!
Men are stronger
Men are better
Men are better than women!"


[ they laugh ]

Tyler: I am filled with camaraderie!

Faldor: Let us sing another verse!

Tyler: Yes!

Woman's Voice: Lothar? Lo-thar!

Lothar: Uh.. [ speaks to the audience ] I can tell by the position of the sun in the sky, that is time for us to go. Until next time, I am Lothar of the Hill People!

[ fade ]


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