Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 12






89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

Dr. Fulton

Dr. Fulton.....Quincy Jones
Patient.....Phil Hartman

[ Establishing shot of office entrance. Close-up shot of sign: "Wallace R. Fulton - M.D., P.C., Psychiatry." Inside, a grief-stricken patient sits on the couch, holding a handkerchief and sniffling. Dr. Fulton sits in an armchair with a note pad. ]

Patient: (sniff) I'm, I'm sorry. What was I talking about?

Dr. Fulton: Your ex-wife.

[ A piano slowly begins playing 12-bar F-scale blues along with the patient's words. ]

Patient: Oh yeah. You rem-- you remember I said my ex-wife called last Sunday, to let me know she's having an affair?

Dr. Fulton: Yes, I remember.

Patient: Well, she called again this Sunday, to make sure I knew she was having an affair.

Dr. Fulton: How does that make you feel?

Patient: Well God knows I hate the woman, but down inside there's still a piece of me that cares.

Dr. Fulton: So, how are you dealing with it?

[ The piano continues playing into his second "verse", becoming more prominent as he goes on. ]

Patient: Well, I didn't go to work on Monday ... I watched TV all day in bed.

Dr. Fulton: Is that the way you always react to her calls?

Patient: Well yes, she calls and tells me she's happy, and ... I usually watch TV all day in bed.

Dr. Fulton: Why does her happiness bother you so much?

Patient: Makes me feel like I have nothing ... and no one cares if I'm alive or dead.

Dr. Fulton: What about your relationship with Amy?

[ The piano tune reaches its full 6/8 tempo and becomes louder. ]

Patient: Amy's just like my mother ...

[ ba bum ba bum ]

Patient: ... my first and second wife ...

[ ba bum ba bum ]

Patient: ... I seek out desperate women, I have done it all my life!! It's because I'm unentitled, like, they won't love me for myself ...

Dr. Fulton: Do you see this as a repeating pattern in your behavior?

Patient: (Shrugging it off) Yes, yes, I perpetuate bad relationships by denying all my needs for someone else.

Dr. Fulton: And why do you think you do that?

Patient: (sits up, starts crying to the tempo as he has an epiphany) Oh God ...

Dr. Fulton: Go ahead.

Patient: (to the tempo) ... Dear God ...

Dr. Fulton: Keep on going.

Patient: (to the tempo, now bawling) Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-ga-waaaaohh ... (plops back on the couch)

[ The piano continues playing throughout the final verse ]

Dr. Fulton: How do you feel?

Patient: I dunno ... I know it intellectually, but I can't learn it emotionally.

Dr. Fulton: Have you tried?

Patient: Yes! No ... I don't know how.

Dr. Fulton: Well, you think about it ... and we'll talk about it ... but I'm afraid we'll have to stop right now.

[ The blues music concludes, as the patient blows his nose. ]


Submitted by: G. Gomez


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