Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 12




89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

Pumping Up with Hans & Franz

Hans.....Dana Carvey
Franz.....Kevin Nealon

[ open on "Pumping Up with Hans & Franz" logo over image of a red heart ]

Announcer: And now, a special Valentine's Day presentation from Hans & Franz.

[ dissolve to Hans & Franz on their set ]

Hans: Good evening. Once again, I am Hans.

Franz: Ya. And I am Franz.

Together: And we just want to pump.. [ clap their hands ] ..you up.

Hans: You know, Valentine's Day is coming. But just because we are alone tonight, don't be thinking we are losers.

Franz: Ya! We could very easily come out here with a lovely liebchen on each arm, but what would that prove?

Hans: Ya! It would only provoke a flabulance of jealousy and envy!

Franz: Alright. Enough talk. Valentine's Day is a time for serious reflection.

Hans: Ya. Time to consider the relationship between a man and his most important love.

Together: His muscles!

Hans: Happy Valentine's Day, muscles!

Franz: This one's for you.

[ singing variant of Frankie Avalon's "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" ]
"You're just too pumped to be true
Not one ounce of flab from you.
You're just like heaven to touch
I want to hold you so much."


Hans: [ singing variant of Stevie Wonder's "I Just Called To Say I Love You" ]
"I just called
To say
I pumped you!
I just called
To say how big you are!"


Franz: [ singing variant of Andy William's "Theme From Love Story" ]
"Where do I begin
You're to tell a story of the flab that I have seen."


Hans: [ singing cariant of The Commodores' "Three Times A Lady" ]
"You're once.. twice..
Three times the size of a normal muscle!"


Franz: [ singing variant of Frank Sinatra's "Stranger In The Night" ]
"Losers in the night
Exchanging flab.
Muscles are not tight
You know, their tone is bad."


Hans: [ singing variant of Richard Harris' "MacArthur Park" ]
"Someone left his buttocks in the rain
I don't think they can be tightened
And it makes me very frightened!
'Cause I'll never have that pumpitude agaaaaaaiiiinnnnn!
Oh, noooooooo!!
Oh, noooooooo!!"


Together: [ singing variant of Frankie Avalon's "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" ]
"I love you, muscle!
And, if it's quite alright..
"Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!!""



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