Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 12




89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

Sharing The Swimsuit Issue

Tarzan.....Kevin Nealon
Tonto.....Jon Lovitz
Frankenstein.....Phil Hartman

[ Tonto sits at kitchen table, as Tarzan enters and pours a cup of coffee ]

Tarzan: Mmm. Good coffee. Change brand?

Tonto: No. Tonto clean pot.

Tarzan: Where Frankenstein?

Tonto: Him at mailbox again.

Tarzan: Frankenstein lurk at mailbox all week.

Tonto: Maybe him expect important letter.

Tarzan: Hmm.

[ Frankenstein meanders into the room, hiding a mystery object behind his back ]

Tarzan: Frankenstein! Any mail for Tarzan!

Frankenstein: Ugh!

Tarzan: Then.. what hide behind back? Show Tarzan!

[ Frankenstein relunctantly reveals the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue ]

Tarzan: Ooh-h-h! Swimsuit Issue!

Tonto: Hmm. Tonto get second.

Tarzan: Tarzan pay for subscription, Tarzan look first!

Frankenstein: [ pleading ] Friend! Friend! Friend!

Tarzan: Frankenstein right. Him share first look with two best friends.

Tonto: Put magazine table. That way all can see.

[ Frankenstein raises table up with one hand, clearing the surface for the vantage of viewing the magazine collectively ]

Frankenstein: Ugh! Ugh! Uggggghhhh!!

[ Tonto and Tarzan share the excitement with Frankenstein ]

Tarzan: Jane had body like that once. Before Boy.

Frankenstein: Uggghhhh!!

Tarzan: Hmm. Tarzan buy.. swimsuit for Jane like that.

Tonto: Hmm. How Jane look in suit?

Tarzan: [ woeful ] Jane never wear for Tarzan.

[ Tazan flips through numerous full-page ads, as Frankenstein vividly grunts his disappointment ]

Tonto: Many ads, this issue.

Frankenstein: Ba-a-a-add!

Tarzan: No, Frankenstein! Advertising not bad! Advertising help sell swimsuit issue!

Frankenstein: Ugh!

Tarzan: [ points at magazine ] Look! There four-wheel drive vehicle Tonto want!

[ Frankenstein continues to grunt ]

Tonto: Tonto agree, Frankstein. Get to good part!

[ they all grunt their excitement over the magazine ]

Tonto: This look interesting.

[ Frankenstein gets excited at the pictures ]

Tonto: Mmm. Magazine say this woman six-foot-one. Oh-h-h! Tonto live on her like reservation!

Tarzan: Tarzan not throw her out of tree for eating cracker!

[ Frankstein grabs at a page he likes, and throws himself on top the table over it ]

Tarzan: Frankenstein! Get hold of self!

Tonto: Frankenstein embarrass Tonto! See Tarzan? Him enjoying magazine, not disgrace self.

[ Tarzan pulls Frankstein up on his feet ]

Tarzan: Frankenstein must understand swimsuit issue. Fantasy! Dream! Not real!

Frankenstein: Ugggghhhh!

Tarzan: Yes. See? [ flips through the pages ] Them not real. This woman not look that good real life. Not dressed this way!

Tonto: Tonto read many thousand picture taken. Editor need make-up.. many hour.. Lighting create illusion.. pefrect woman.

Frankenstein: [ growls ]

Tarzan: Beside.. Tarzan, Tonto, Frankenstein.. just regular guys. Never meet this kind women.

[ Frankenstein crumbles into tears ]

Tonto: But.. does not mean three guys can't have good time looking.

Frankenstein: Good! Bad!

[ the trio sit back down to leaf through the swimsuit issue, as the scene fades ]


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