Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 12

89l: Quincy Jones / Tevin Campbell, Andrae Crouch, Sandra Crouch, Kool Moe Dee, Big Daddy Kane

Driving Miss Daisy

Miss Daisy.....Jan Hooks
Hoak.....Quincy Jones
Boolie.....Phil Hartman

[ open on footage of car driving down the road ]

[ dissolve to car interior, grumpy Miss Daisy sitting in the back seat, as chauffeur Hoak mans the steering wheel in the front ]

Hoak: Sure is a beautiful day, isn't it, Miss Daisy?

Miss Daisy: You be quiet! Wouldn't know what it's like outside, you're driving too fast for me to see anything!

Hoak: Now, Miss Daisy.. the speed limit's 25 miles an hour, and I'm only going five.

Miss Daisy: Well, it's too fast! I like to go backwards. And look here - you keep your eyes on the road!

Hoak: Now, Miss Daisy, I'm a grown man, and I know how to drive.

Miss Daisy: Well, then, why are we going to the Puggly Wiggly this way? I always take Mulberry Road.

Hoak: But Mulberry Road's in Alabama, Miss Daisy.

Miss Daisy: Well.. it's the way I've always gone!

Hoak: [ has now had enough ] Miss Daisy? You know what your problem is?

Miss Daisy: No, Hoak. But I imagine you're gonna tell me.

Hoak: Well.. it seems to me like you an old, ugly, dried-up sack of fertilizer, Miss Daisy.

Miss Daisy: That is the last straw, Hoak! I'm tired of your backtalk! You are fired!

Hoak: You can't fire me, Miss Daisy! 'Cause I quit! [ casually steps out of the moving vehicle ]

Miss Daisy: [ now fearing for her life without a driver behind the wheel ] Hoak! Hoak! You get back in this car!!! [ screams ]

[ cut to stock Toonces footage of white car flipping over the side of a cliff, crashing to the ground below ]

[ dissolve to Miss Daisy cooped up in bed, as her son Boolie enters the room ]

Miss Daisy: Boolie? Is that you?

Boolie: How you feelin', Mama?

Miss Daisy: Oh! Well, just fine. I'm ready to go on out to the Piggly Wiggly now. Have you found a driver for me yet, boy?

Boolie: Yes, I did, Mama. It wasn't easy findin' out that wouldn't talk back, but I managed.

Miss Daisy: Wellll.. you're a good boy, Boolie. What's his name?

Boolie: I'm not sure, Mama.. he gave me his card here, but it's.. kinda hard to read.

Miss Daisy: [ glancing at the card quizzically ] Hmm..

[ dissolve to opening Toonces theme ]

"Toonces the Driving Cat
The Cat who could drive a car.
He drives around
all over the town
Toonces the Driving Cat!"

Announcer: Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive A Car! Tonight's episode: "Driving Miss Daisy".

[ dissolve to Miss Daisy in the back seat, with Toonces at the wheel in front ]

Miss Daisy: Now, this is much, much better! No backtalk! I can just relax, and enjoy mysaelf at last! [ looks out the window, suddenly filled with worry ] Excuse me? Where are you going? You just.. you just passed the Piggly Wiggly! Now, you turn this car around, right now, do you understand me? Turn around! [ Toonces hits the pedal instead ] You're going too fast! Slow down!! [ screams as the car twists out of control ]

[ cut to stock Toonces footage of white car flipping over the side of a cliff, crashing to the ground below ]

He drives around
all over the town.
Toonces the Driving Cat."

[ fade ]

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