Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 15

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In Association with

89o: Rob Lowe / The Pogues

Alexander's Fur World

Alexander.....Jon Lovitz

Alexander: Hello! I'm Alexander Johnson, of Alexander's Fur World. And we're havin our year-end, better-off-dead sale. Furs, furs, furs! Choose from hundreds of full-length minks. Every one of these animals was raised in the lap of luxury, and, I'm sorry to say, committed suicide due to personal problems..

[ SUPER: "Depressed Minks" ]

And that's not all! We have a fabulous collection of evil, murdering, vicious coyotes - every one a confirmed sheep and bunny killer convicted by a jury of environmentalists, and executed under humane conditions. Believe me, they're better off dead.

Also, review our selection of reatarded beavers..

[ SUPER: "Retarded Beavers" ]

These poor animals were unable to cope with the complex demands of beaver society, and had to be put out of their misery. We have road possums, rabid foxes, and a limited number of filthy, destructive raccoons we found dead by the side of the road..

[ SUPER: "Flattened Raccoons" ]

So come with a clear conscience, and remember: they're animals, for crying out loud! That's what they're there for!

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