89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens
The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Easter
Hanukkah Harry.....Jon Lovitz
Easter Bunny.....Corbin Bernsen
Mr. Toole.....Phil Hartman
[Sketch opens with the Rifkin family in the middle of a Passover seder]
Rifkin Family: …borei pri hagafen.
Ira: And now we drink the third cup of wine, aleph asher kidivitsnu.
[All raise their cups of wine and drink]
Ira: And now, as is family tradition, Uncle Hanukkah Harry will tell us about the prophet Elijah.
[Hanukkah Harry stands up]
Hanukkah Harry: Please, please stop, you’re embarrassing me! Now, as you all know, I love Passover. It’s no Hanukkah, but that’s nine months away. So I have plenty of time to relax, fly down here to Miami, visit my sister Cheryl, my nephew Ira, this beautiful family. And now, Elijah. As you know, it is custom to set aside a goblet of wine for the invisible prophet Elijah who visits every Jewish home who welcomes him. Now it is at this point in the seder when we open the front door for Elijah.
[Hanukkah Harry opens the door, revealing the Easter Bunny wearing crutches]
Hanukkah Harry: Oy gevalt!
Easter Bunny: Hi, I’m looking for Hanukkah Harry.
[Fade into opening credits:] [Hallmark in Association with the Jewish Anti-Defamation League presents:] [The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Easter]
[As the theme song is sung, we see Harry dressed in a gray suit flying through the air on a rickety cart pulled by 3 donkeys with blue blankets bearing their names.] Song: "On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo! Says Hanukkah Harry eight nights a year! On Moische! On Herschel! On Schlomo! Means that Hanukkah Harry is here! Delivering toys for Jewish girls and Jewish boys
We dance the hora around the menorah When Hanukkah Harry is Here!"
[Cut to Easter Bunny at the Rifkins’ seder table]
Hanukkah Harry: Easter Bunny, come here! Have another potato pancake.
Easter Bunny: No, thank you, thank you.
Hanukkah Harry: Have a—
Easter Bunny: No, I can’t eat another thing. It’s delicious, thank you, Mrs. Rifkin.
Hanukkah Harry: Well, anyway, about your leg, you were saying…
Easter Bunny: Yeah, I was in the woods and uh, I stepped into this steel trap left by one of these furrier jerks, and uh, my goodness, a forest ranger was there and he recognized me just as I was about to chew off my left leg.
Hanukkah Harry: You’re not able to deliver the Easter baskets to all the Gentile boys and girls?
Easter Bunny: No, that’s where I was hoping you would come in.
Hanukkah Harry: Well, I’m sorry, Easter Bunny, I only have that holiday eight nights a year. But you know, there is one man who has that power…
Ira: Uncle Hanukkah Harry!
Hanukkah Harry: …during Passover!
Ira: Uncle Harry, you don’t mean Elijah?
Easter Bunny: Elijah?
Hanukkah Harry: Yeah! In fact, when I was going to open the door for you before, I was opening it to let in Elijah.
[Focus on the wine glass, which magically empties as if an invisible being is drinking it]
Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, it’s you!
[A disembodied chair approaches the table]
Elijah [voice] You were expecting maybe Charlton Heston?
Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, I was wondering if you could do a little favor?
Elijah: Yes, Harry, I know, I heard. But tell me, why should I help the goyim?
Hanukkah Harry: Ach!
Easter Bunny: Please, Elijah, this is for all the little Christian boys and girls.
Rifkin Family: Please, Elijah!
Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, remember that Jesus was a Jew.
Easter Bunny: I didn’t know that.
Hanukkah Harry: Yes, yes He was. In fact, His Last Supper was a seder not unlike this one, except they didn’t have the appliances. Jesus was a great teacher, not unlike yourself, Elijah.
Elijah: But He was not the Son of God.
Easter Bunny: Oh yes, He was.
Hanukkah Harry: Easter Bunny, please, you’re not helping. All I’m saying is that Jesus was a great rabbi, which is just one letter from the great rabbit, which is what we have here.
Elijah: Well, all right.
Rifkin Family: Hooray!
[We see Hanukkah Harry once again flying through the air on his cart, this time accompanied by a coat worn by the invisible Elijah, as a parody of “Hava Nagila” is sung]
[Harry and Elijah, Harry and Elijah, Harry and Elijah saving Easter]
[Focus on two teenage hillbillies in a decrepit rural shack]
Otis: [drinking a bottle of Coca-Cola] You think the Easter Bunny’s gonna send us some Easter eggs, Rowena?
Rowena: There ain’t no Easter Bunny, Otis. That was Mama that always brang them Easter baskets, but now that she’s run off with that truck driver, we ain’t ever gonna have Easter again.
[Mr. Toole, Otis and Rowena’s father walks in, wearing only a pair of overalls and a backwards baseball cap and holding a beer]
Mr. Toole: What’re you kids doing up? Otis! You ain’t supposed to drink no Coke at night! That’s your breakfast!
Otis: Sorry, Papa. [sets the beverage on a nightstand]
Mr. Toole: Now, shut up and go to sleep! [shuts door]
[Otis and Rowena quickly fall asleep. Hanukkah Harry clumsily stumbles in through the window.]
Hanukkah Harry: Oy!
Elijah: Gott im Himmel. People live like this?
Hanukkah Harry: Elijah, shush!
[The teens wake up]
Otis: Who are you?
Hanukkah Harry: Oh, hello, boys and girls, I’m Hanukkah Harry! I’m sort of filling in for the Easter Bunny, along with my good friend here, the prophet Elijah. [points at his invisible companion]
Hanukkah Harry: He, well, uh, never mind.
[Focus on the Coke bottle, which magically empties as Elijah sips it]
Otis: You brought us an Easter basket! [He and Rowena approach Hanukkah Harry]
Hanukkah Harry: Yes, yes. Look what I have for you, delicious treats. Some macaroons [hands them to the kids, who look at each other in disappointment] and some chocolate colored matzah [kids frowningly shrug] and look, a nut cup with filberts. Can you believe it?
[Mr. Toole opens the door again]
Mr. Toole: I thought I told you kids to shut…what the hell?
Rowena: [embraces Mr. Toole] Daddy, Daddy, this is Hanukkah Harry, he’s helping us celebrate Easter.
Mr. Toole: Shut up, Rowena. I got eyes. I can see what we got here [takes a shotgun off his gun rack and points it at Hanukkah Harry], we got us a Jew boy breaking and entering!
Hanukkah Harry: [holds up his arms] Please, Mr. Toole, allow me to explain. You see, I was at my nephew’s seder, Ira, and uh…
Mr. Toole: Shut your trap…
Hanukkah Harry: No, hold on…
Mr. Toole: If I was you, I’d get down on my hands and knees and pray to your Jew God, ‘cuz I’m gonna plug you so full of holes… [suddenly trips as his gun is taken away by the invisible Elijah] Huh? [Elijah hits Mr. Toole multiple times, knocking him out]
Otis: Gee whiz!
Rowena: How’d you do that, Hanukkah Harry?
Hanukkah Harry: Well, uh, let’s just say the Israeli military is getting very sophisticated.
Otis: Wait, Papa’s coming to!
Hanukkah Harry: Are you okay, Mr. Toole?
Mr. Toole: Yeah, I’ll be okay. Maybe being whupped by a Jew is the best thing ever happened to me. Makes me challenge a lot of my preconceptions, rethink my entire value system. Maybe Jews are just like everyone else, and maybe that Jew social worker from the county’s right, maybe I should stop whuppin’ my kids, get us into some family therapy, so’s I don’t lose the one thing I love in life, my kids. [bursts into tears]
Kids: We love you, Papa!
Mr. Toole: Thank you, Hanukkah Harry, thanks for the greatest Easter gift of all, the gift of rebirth.
Hanukkah Harry: Well, don’t thank me, thank Elijah.
[Mr. Toole’s beer floats in the air]
Mr. Toole: My beer! [Elijah takes a sip and sets it next to the gun rack]
[Fade out to see the globe with both Harry’s cart and a second disembodied cart in flight]
Hanukkah Harry: On Moishe! On Herschel! On Shlomo! Happy Passover everyone, and happy Easter!
Submitted by: Johnny Lurg