Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 17







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89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

... Dennis Miller
... Victoria Jackson
Grumpy Old Man ... Dana Carvey

Music Intro: Lou Reed's "Dirty Boulevard"

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller!

Dennis Miller: Good evening and what can I tell ya?

[Photo of President Bush shaking hands with Soviet Foreign Minister Edward Shevardnadze who looks up in the air] A laughing President Bush earlier this week met with Soviet Foreign Minister Edward Shevardnadze who looked skyward as Bush unveiled the newest weapon in our military arsenal, the Stealth Pigeon.

The attentive Shevardnadze came away from the viewing much better off than his boss, [Photo of Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev displaying the port wine stain birth mark on his forehead - it looks somewhat like he's been spattered by a pigeon dropping] who wasn't aware of the advent of the new weapon. ... [applause]

At next month's summit meeting between President Bush and President Gorbachev, officials for both sides are not expecting any concrete agreement on long range nuclear missiles. In an effort to remain upbeat, though, both sides have agreed that Sean Connery was the best James Bond.

[Photo of smiling President Bush gesturing two "thumbs up"] President Bush was pronounced A-OK this week as he exited a physical at Bethesda Naval Medical Center. Doctors said the President has a clean bill of health except for a minor disease of the hand joints called Siskel-itis. ... There's a cure for it and it's called Ebert's Formula but there's a dangerous side effect -- it makes you really, really fat.

According to the president's upcoming itinerary, Bush hopes this year to visit Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Uruguay and Venezuela. The trip will take place some time after the summer. For the record, Vice-President Quayle has already made six trips to Latin America but, in an effort to save face with his friends, he keeps telling them he's going to L.A.

While delivering a speech in Houston on Wednesday, this fell out of Vice-President Quayle's head. [Photo of an enormous metal tube]

And ... [holding up a poster advertising "Earth Day"] these Earth Day things are all over town, littering the streets and makin' a big mess. ... You know, East and, uh-- [applause]

East and West Germany got together Tuesday afternoon for a quickie but it didn't work and they once again agreed to see other countries.

And, in Israel, Shimon Peres, head of the Labor Party, failed to form a new government yesterday when every Israeli citizen formed their own separate political party.

Dennis Miller: After a half century of serving the poor, Mother Teresa announced her retirement this week. Here, with a commentary, is our own Victoria Jackson. Welcome, Vicki. [applause]

Victoria Jackson: Thank you, Dennis! Thank you! Thank you. [stiffly, as if reading a report in grade school] Last Wednesday was a sad day in Calcutta, India as Mother Teresa announced her retirement. She won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979 and soon became a favorite on talk shows like Johnny Carson. Her witty repartee and smart attire set her apart from other Catholic nuns. She's the major influence of my life. Because of Mother Teresa I started tap dancing. One day, when I was little, I got sick and I had to go to the hospital and Mother Teresa came and visited me and she told me that she promised she would hit a home run for me that night. As I was listening to the radio announcement of the game, Mother Teresa hit two home runs. She went three for four with five RBIs and, at the end of the game, she dug out home plate and gave it to the poor. ... Wait. Maybe it was Mickey Mantle but I had a really high fever. But my point is that Mother Teresa and Mickey Mantle were always there for the people, whether they were playing baseball or - or giving food and stuff to poor people. Mickey Mantle deserved the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979 but instead he gave it to Mother Teresa so he could go out drinking with Whitey Ford. ... Because that's what kind of a guy Mickey Mantle was.

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Victoria Jackson. [applause, Dennis shakes Victoria's hand] Very good. [turns to audience which is still applauding] And-- Thank you.

Yesterday - yesterday was Friday the thirteenth. Since our Gregorian calendar began in 1582, there have been nine hundred and thirty-five "Friday the thirteenths." Which is only fourteen less than the number of Friday the 13th movie sequels.

And, in other film news, remember tomorrow is the premiere of the new thriller Easter Egg Hunt for Red October. [Image of an Easter egg decorated as a submarine]

And, in Amsterdam, following last week's tragic vandalism where a thirty-one year old man threw sulfuric acid at Rembrandt's masterpiece The Night Watch, museum officials are no longer permitting sulfuric acid vendors on museum grounds. The sulfuric acid vendors are filing a class action suit against the museum, claiming, "It's not sulfuric acid that ruins paintings, it's people that ruin paintings."

[Photo of real estate mogul Donald Trump posing next to an oversized genie's lamp] Donald Trump posed this week for publicity photos as he opened his Trump Taj Mahal hotel and casino in Atlantic City. On his love life front, it was reported that he's no longer seeing Marla Maples. He is now dating someone named "Jeannie."

And it was revealed this week that Ivana Trump plans to market a line of her own underwear for women. A spokesman, asked if Mrs. Trump was qualified, said, "If she's not, she will be -- because she's gonna be seeing a lot of briefs in the upcoming months." [mild reaction from crowd] Well. That brought Update to a screeching halt. [Sound effects of squealing tires and car crash. From beneath the Update desk, an airbag deploys and inflates to protect a startled Dennis who is pushed back to the wall behind him. Laughter, cheers and applause. Dennis recovers, straightens his papers.] Gotta see somebody about that bladder. [to the prop man under the desk] You wanna leave? Wanna leave? Go 'head. [the prop man emerges from beneath the Update desk and exits - Dennis calls after him:] Now, you blew that up all by yourself, didn't ya? [pause, then quickly] You might want to leave a phone number. You know, uh ... [applause]

You know, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles set box office records again this week. The movie brought in one point five million dollars in L.A., two point three million dollars in New York and an astonishing seventeen million dollars in the Galapagos Islands.

And Art Buchwald - Art Buchwald has sued the makers of the Turtles this week, saying the concept was stolen from an original screenplay he submitted years ago entitled Adolescent Hybrid Samurai Toads.

Dennis Miller: And now here with a commentary is Grumpy Old Man! Welcome, Grumpy! [applause for Grumpy Old Man, an elderly, bespectacled, gray-haired man in a sweater]

Grumpy Old Man: I'm oooooold! And I'm not happy! And I don't like things now compared to the way they used to be. All this progress -- phooey! In my day, we didn't have these cash machines that would give you money when you needed it. There was only one bank in each state -- it was open only one hour a year. And you'd get in line, seventeen miles long, and the line became an angry mob of people -- fornicators and thieves, mutant children and circus freaks -- and you waited for years and by the time you got to the teller, you were senile and arthritic and you couldn't remember your own name. You were born, got in line, and ya died! And that's the way it was and we liked it!

Life was simpler then. There wasn't all this concern about hy-giene! It my days, we didn't have Kleenex. When you turned seventeen, you were given the family handkerchief. ... It hadn't been washed in generations and it stood on its own ... filled with diseases and swarmin' with flies. ... If you tried to blow your nose, you'd get an infection and your head would swell up and turn green and children would burst into tears at the sight o' ya! And that's the way it was and we liked it!

Life was a carnival! We entertained ourselves! We didn't need moooovin' pitchurrrres. In my day, there was only one show in town -- it was called "Stare at the sun!" ... That's right! You'd sit in the middle of an open field and stare up at the sun till your eyeballs burst into flames! And you thought, "Oh, no! Maybe I shouldn't've stared directly into the burning sun with my eyes wide open." But it was too late! Your head was on fire and people were roastin' chickens over it. ... And that's the way it was and we liked it!

Progress?! Flobble-de-flee! In my day, when we were angry and frustrated, we just said, "Flobble-de-flee!" 'cause we were idiots and we didn't know what else to say! Just a bunch o' illiterate Cro-Magnons, blowin' on crusty handkerchiefs, waitin' in lines for our head to burst into flame and that's the way it was and we liked it!

Dennis Miller: Grumpy Old Man! Thank you, Grumpy! [applause, Dennis tries to shake Grumpy Old Man's hand but Grumpy Old Man is too ornery to shake anybody's hand, dadgummit]

Grumpy Old Man: Flobble-de-flee! [exits]

Dennis Miller: Thank you, Grumpy!

You know, Life Magazine's new Earth Day edition celebrating our trees printed five million copies and used up thirty-five thousand trees.

And nuclear power plant workers were exposed to more radiation last year than ever before. In a government study just released, the radiation dose they received was roughly equivalent to fifty chest X-rays, six hundred tanning salon visits, twelve thousand days in the sun or one bottle of Perrier.

[Photo of M & M chocolate candies] And M & M turned fifty this week and reportedly they are going through a change of life, asking their buyers to now refer to them as "W & W's."

And Zsa Zsa Gabor is bragging about her once-upon-a-time dates with John Kennedy. According to Gabor, "I went out with Mr. Kennedy, the President of the United States, and I was his favorite date but he never once asked me to sleep with him." You know, my respect for Jack Kennedy grows more and more every day.

And, due to his wonderful performance in front of the Poindexter Iran-Contra trial jury last month, Ronald Reagan who, when answering "I don't recall" to one hundred and twenty-four out of one hundred and fifty questions asked, sometimes appeared to be lobotomized, recently won the lead in the sequel to One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. [Doctored photo of Reagan dressed as McMurphy in the 1975 film version of Cuckoo's Nest]

And this week marked the fifty-fourth anniversary of the abdication of Edward VIII who gave up the throne of England because he fell in love with, and wanted to marry, Mrs. Simpson, a commoner from America. [Side by side photos of Edward VIII and cartoon character Marge Simpson of TV's The Simpsons.]

Guess what, folks? That's the news and I - am - out - of - here!

[Applause and more of Lou Reed's "Dirty Boulevard"]


Submitted Anonymously


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