89q: Corbin Bernsen / The Smithereens
Weekend Update with Dennis Miller
... Dennis Miller
... Victoria Jackson
Grumpy Old Man ... Dana Carvey
Music Intro: Lou Reed's "Dirty Boulevard"
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with
anchorperson Dennis Miller!
Dennis Miller: Good evening and what can I tell
[Photo of President Bush shaking hands with Soviet
Foreign Minister Edward Shevardnadze who looks up in
the air] A laughing President Bush earlier this week
met with Soviet Foreign Minister Edward Shevardnadze
who looked skyward as Bush unveiled the newest weapon
in our military arsenal, the Stealth Pigeon.
The attentive Shevardnadze came away from the viewing
much better off than his boss, [Photo of Soviet leader
Mikhail Gorbachev displaying the port wine stain birth
mark on his forehead - it looks somewhat like he's
been spattered by a pigeon dropping] who wasn't aware
of the advent of the new weapon. ...
At next month's summit meeting between President Bush
and President Gorbachev, officials for both sides are
not expecting any concrete agreement on long range
nuclear missiles. In an effort to remain upbeat,
though, both sides have agreed that Sean Connery was
the best James Bond.
[Photo of smiling President Bush gesturing two "thumbs
up"] President Bush was pronounced A-OK this week as
he exited a physical at Bethesda Naval Medical Center.
Doctors said the President has a clean bill of health
except for a minor disease of the hand joints called
Siskel-itis. ... There's a cure for it and it's called
Ebert's Formula but there's a dangerous side effect --
it makes you really, really fat.
According to the president's upcoming itinerary, Bush
hopes this year to visit Brazil, Argentina, Chile,
Uruguay and Venezuela. The trip will take place some
time after the summer. For the record, Vice-President
Quayle has already made six trips to Latin America
but, in an effort to save face with his friends, he
keeps telling them he's going to L.A.
While delivering a speech in Houston on Wednesday,
this fell out of Vice-President Quayle's head. [Photo
of an enormous metal tube]
And ... [holding up a poster advertising "Earth Day"]
these Earth Day things are all over town, littering
the streets and makin' a big mess. ... You know, East
and, uh-- [applause]
East and West Germany got together Tuesday afternoon
for a quickie but it didn't work and they once again
agreed to see other countries.
And, in Israel, Shimon Peres, head of the Labor Party,
failed to form a new government yesterday when every
Israeli citizen formed their own separate political
Dennis Miller: After a half century of serving
the poor, Mother Teresa announced her retirement this
week. Here, with a commentary, is our own Victoria
Jackson. Welcome, Vicki. [applause]
Victoria Jackson: Thank you, Dennis! Thank you!
Thank you. [stiffly, as if reading a report in grade
school] Last Wednesday was a sad day in Calcutta,
India as Mother Teresa announced her retirement. She
won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979 and soon became a
favorite on talk shows like Johnny Carson. Her witty
repartee and smart attire set her apart from other
Catholic nuns. She's the major influence of my life.
Because of Mother Teresa I started tap dancing. One
day, when I was little, I got sick and I had to go to
the hospital and Mother Teresa came and visited me and
she told me that she promised she would hit a home run
for me that night. As I was listening to the radio
announcement of the game, Mother Teresa hit two
home runs. She went three for four with five RBIs and,
at the end of the game, she dug out home plate and
gave it to the poor. ... Wait. Maybe it was Mickey
Mantle but I had a really high fever. But my point is
that Mother Teresa and Mickey Mantle were
always there for the people, whether they were playing
baseball or - or giving food and stuff to poor people.
Mickey Mantle deserved the Nobel Peace Prize in 1979
but instead he gave it to Mother Teresa so he could go
out drinking with Whitey Ford. ... Because that's what
kind of a guy Mickey Mantle was.
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Victoria Jackson.
[applause, Dennis shakes Victoria's hand] Very good.
[turns to audience which is still applauding] And--
Yesterday - yesterday was Friday the thirteenth. Since
our Gregorian calendar began in 1582, there have been
nine hundred and thirty-five "Friday the thirteenths."
Which is only fourteen less than the number of
Friday the 13th movie sequels.
And, in other film news, remember tomorrow is the
premiere of the new thriller Easter Egg Hunt for
Red October. [Image of an Easter egg decorated as
And, in Amsterdam, following last week's tragic
vandalism where a thirty-one year old man threw
sulfuric acid at Rembrandt's masterpiece The Night
Watch, museum officials are no longer permitting
sulfuric acid vendors on museum grounds. The sulfuric
acid vendors are filing a class action suit against
the museum, claiming, "It's not sulfuric acid that
ruins paintings, it's people that ruin
[Photo of real estate mogul Donald Trump posing next
to an oversized genie's lamp] Donald Trump posed this
week for publicity photos as he opened his Trump Taj
Mahal hotel and casino in Atlantic City. On his love
life front, it was reported that he's no longer seeing
Marla Maples. He is now dating someone named
And it was revealed this week that Ivana Trump plans
to market a line of her own underwear for women. A
spokesman, asked if Mrs. Trump was qualified, said,
"If she's not, she will be -- because she's gonna be
seeing a lot of briefs in the upcoming months."
[mild reaction from crowd] Well. That brought Update
to a screeching halt. [Sound effects of squealing
tires and car crash. From beneath the Update desk, an
airbag deploys and inflates to protect a startled
Dennis who is pushed back to the wall behind him.
Laughter, cheers and applause. Dennis recovers,
straightens his papers.] Gotta see somebody about that
bladder. [to the prop man under the desk] You wanna
leave? Wanna leave? Go 'head. [the prop man emerges
from beneath the Update desk and exits - Dennis calls
after him:] Now, you blew that up all by yourself,
didn't ya? [pause, then quickly] You might want to
leave a phone number. You know, uh ...
You know, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles set
box office records again this week. The movie brought
in one point five million dollars in L.A., two point
three million dollars in New York and an astonishing
seventeen million dollars in the Galapagos Islands.
And Art Buchwald - Art Buchwald has sued the makers of
the Turtles this week, saying the concept was stolen
from an original screenplay he submitted years ago
entitled Adolescent Hybrid Samurai
Dennis Miller: And now here with a commentary
is Grumpy Old Man! Welcome, Grumpy! [applause for
Grumpy Old Man, an elderly, bespectacled, gray-haired
man in a sweater]
Grumpy Old Man: I'm oooooold! And I'm not
happy! And I don't like things now compared to the way
they used to be. All this progress -- phooey! In my
day, we didn't have these cash machines that
would give you money when you needed it. There
was only one bank in each state -- it was open only
one hour a year. And you'd get in line, seventeen
miles long, and the line became an angry mob of people
-- fornicators and thieves, mutant children and circus
freaks -- and you waited for years and by the time you
got to the teller, you were senile and arthritic and
you couldn't remember your own name. You were born,
got in line, and ya died! And that's the way it was
and we liked it!
Life was simpler then. There wasn't all this concern
about hy-giene! It my days, we didn't have
Kleenex. When you turned seventeen, you were
given the family handkerchief. ... It hadn't been
washed in generations and it stood on its own ...
filled with diseases and swarmin' with flies. ... If
you tried to blow your nose, you'd get an infection
and your head would swell up and turn green and
children would burst into tears at the sight o' ya!
And that's the way it was and we liked it!
Life was a carnival! We entertained ourselves!
We didn't need moooovin' pitchurrrres. In my
day, there was only one show in town -- it was called
"Stare at the sun!" ... That's right! You'd sit in the
middle of an open field and stare up at the sun till
your eyeballs burst into flames! And you thought, "Oh,
no! Maybe I shouldn't've stared directly into the
burning sun with my eyes wide open." But it was too
late! Your head was on fire and people were
roastin' chickens over it. ... And that's the way it
was and we liked it!
Progress?! Flobble-de-flee! In my day, when we
were angry and frustrated, we just said,
"Flobble-de-flee!" 'cause we were idiots and we
didn't know what else to say! Just a bunch o'
illiterate Cro-Magnons, blowin' on crusty
handkerchiefs, waitin' in lines for our head to burst
into flame and that's the way it was and we
Dennis Miller: Grumpy Old Man! Thank you,
Grumpy! [applause, Dennis tries to shake Grumpy Old
Man's hand but Grumpy Old Man is too ornery to shake
anybody's hand, dadgummit]
Grumpy Old Man: Flobble-de-flee!
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Grumpy!
You know, Life Magazine's new Earth Day edition
celebrating our trees printed five million copies and
used up thirty-five thousand trees.
And nuclear power plant workers were exposed to more
radiation last year than ever before. In a government
study just released, the radiation dose they received
was roughly equivalent to fifty chest X-rays, six
hundred tanning salon visits, twelve thousand days in
the sun or one bottle of Perrier.
[Photo of M & M chocolate candies] And M & M turned
fifty this week and reportedly they are going through
a change of life, asking their buyers to now refer to
them as "W & W's."
And Zsa Zsa Gabor is bragging about her
once-upon-a-time dates with John Kennedy. According to
Gabor, "I went out with Mr. Kennedy, the President of
the United States, and I was his favorite date but he
never once asked me to sleep with him." You know, my
respect for Jack Kennedy grows more and more every
And, due to his wonderful performance in front of the
Poindexter Iran-Contra trial jury last month, Ronald
Reagan who, when answering "I don't recall" to one
hundred and twenty-four out of one hundred and fifty
questions asked, sometimes appeared to be lobotomized,
recently won the lead in the sequel to One Flew
Over the Cuckoo's Nest. [Doctored photo of Reagan
dressed as McMurphy in the 1975 film version of
And this week marked the fifty-fourth anniversary of
the abdication of Edward VIII who gave up the throne
of England because he fell in love with, and wanted to
marry, Mrs. Simpson, a commoner from America. [Side by
side photos of Edward VIII and cartoon character Marge
Simpson of TV's The Simpsons.]
Guess what, folks? That's the news and I - am - out -
of - here!
[Applause and more of Lou Reed's "Dirty Boulevard"]