Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 18




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89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52's

The Greta Garbo I Knew

James O'Brien.....Alec Baldwin
Greta Garbo.....Jan Hooks
Delivery Boy.....Rob Schneider

[ open on black and white photograph of Greta Garbo ]

James O'Brien V/O: This is Greta Garbo as the public remembered her - the luminous legend of the screen. But I remember a different Garbo - the reclusive woman for whom I, James O'Brien, worked in 1983. Garbo was intensely protected of her privacy, and maintaining it was always a challenge. I remember my first day..

[ dissolve to Greta Garbo's reclusive home ]

James O'Brien: [ enters sunroom ] Miss Garbo?

Greta Garbo: [ looks up from behind dark shades ] Are you.. alone?

James O'Brien: Yes.

Greta Garbo: Very well.

James O'Brien: I have flowers here for you. From another anonymous fan.

Greta Garbo: [ sighs ] Put them in another room. I want to be.. alone.

James O'Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo.

Greta Garbo: Let me see them. [ takes the flowers ] Ohh.. they're so beautiful. Put each flower in a separate vase, so that they are.. alone.

James O'Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo. Are you ready for your lunch?

Greta Garbo: Yes. I'll have a single baked potato.. wrapped in its own foil.

James O'Brien: Would you like the potato with butter?

Greta Garbo: No, no, no, no.. alone.

James O'Brien: Yes, Miss Garbo, I'll prepare that for you.

Greta Garbo: You may.. leave me.. alone.. now.

James O'Brien: Yes, ma'am. Goodbye.

Greta Garbo: So long.. [ phone rings, she panics ] Oh, no.. uh.. telephone! Telephone! Telephone! Telephone! [ James rushes in ] Please.. please.. please..

James O'Brien: [ answers phone ] Hello, Miss Garbo's residence! Miss Garbo? Uhhh...

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O'Brien: She's not here at this time! Who's calling, please? Mr. Zeckindorf, from the RKO days..

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O'Brien: Uh.. yeah. She's, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ rubs her head ]

James O'Brien: ..rubbing herself..

Greta Garbo: [ spins, while contuning to rub her head ]

James O'Brien: ..rubbing her hair.. uh.. no.. what?

Greta Garbo: [ mimes pulling something ]

James O'Brien: Uh.. uh.. you'll call back?

Greta Garbo: [ waves her arms frantically ]

James O'Brien: No, no, no.. she'll call you! You're at a payphone? Oh! Uh.. when will she be back? Uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ holds out her hand, five fingers held up ]

James O'Brien: Five minutes! Hours! Days! Weeks! Months! Years! Uh, no, no, no! Five weeks! She'll be back in five weeks! Where is she? Uhh.. uhh..

Greta Garbo: [ holds out her arms and mimics and airplane ]

James O'Brien: She's flying! She's flying to, uh.. to, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ rocks back and forth ]

James O'Brien: She's surfing! No, she's doing the hula.. she's in Hawaii! She's in Hawaii! You're in Hawaii?! Oh! Well! She's, uh.. she's, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ touches leaves on an indoor plant ]

James O'Brien: Houseplant.. tree.. leaves.. leaving! She's leaving Hawaii! To, uh.. to, uh..

Greta Garbo: [ stretches arms out, raises out ]

James O'Brien: To see! To see, uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ drops on all fours ]

James O'Brien: A horse! A dog! A cat! A mouse! Uh.. uh.. An ant! She's going to visit her aunt! Her aunt who lives in, uh.. lives in, uh.. uh..

Greta Garbo: [ mimes a shell game ]

James O'Brien: Shell game.. dealer.. cards.. cards.. Montel Carlo.. Monte Carlo! She's in Monte Carlo! She's visiting her aunt in Monte Carlo! Okay! Bye! [ hangs up phone ] Wow! That was something! I really thought he had us there, being in Hawaii! We pulled it off!

Greta Garbo: You idiot! Now.. I want you to sit down over here. It should not be so difficult. We are going to go over it one more time, okay? Now.. what is it.. that I want?

James O'Brien: To be alone.

Greta Garbo: And?

James O'Brien: To be alone.

Announcer: Next week, on "The Garbo I Knew".

[ James is trying to keep a Delivery Boy from entering the house, as Garbo hides behind the door ]

James O'Brien: No, really! you can just leave the bags there, I'll bring them in!

Delivery Boy: Sir, this one's ripped, you'd better let me bring it in.

James O'Brien: No, no, no, no! You really can't! The floor.. it was, uh.. it was just waxed!

[ Garbo sneaks away from the door ]

Delivery Boy: No problem..

James O'Brien: No, no, no, please, really..

Delivery Boy: The meat leaked!

James O'Brien: Well, I'll get some paper towels and clean it up myself!

Delivery Boy: I got a lot of deliveries to make.

James O'Brien: [ gives in ] Alright..

Delivery Boy: [ brings the bags in, puts them on a table, then exits ]

James O'Brien: Thank you.

[ James looks up ablive and discovers Garbo hanging from a chandelier ]

[ fade ]


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