Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 15: Episode 18

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89r: Alec Baldwin / The B-52's

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

... Dennis Miller
... Kevin Nealon
... A. Whitney Brown

Music Intro: Led Zeppelin's "The Immigration Song"

Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update, with anchorperson Dennis Miller!

[Extended enthusiastic applause. Dennis waits for it to end and, when it doesn't, takes a sip of water from a cup.]

Dennis Miller: Good evening and what can I tell ya?

Dan Quayle will be the first sitting vice president to serve as Grand Marshal of the Indianapolis 500 on May 26th. A Quayle spokesman said that the vice president plans to spend the interim month and a half memorizing the phrase "Gentlemen, start your engines!"

President Bush and National Security Advisor Brent Scowcroft braved the wind and rain on a Hamilton, Bermuda golf course last week. [Dennis glances at the accompanying photo in which the thin, elderly Scowcroft appears shrunken, wrinkled and wizened standing next to Bush] Kind of instills confidence in a nation to know that their chief security advisor cuts such a dashing figure, huh? ... Looks like the little bald guy on Benny Hill tryin' to hold in a whiz. ...

President Bush this week denied rumors that the nation's railroad system is in shambles. To prove his point, he took a group of students from Washington to Chicago by handcar. [Video clip shows Bush flying a kite with schoolchildren but the video is looped to make it appear that Bush is pumping his hands up and down as if pumping a railroad handcar]

[Photo of circus clown and child with egg on White House lawn] Here's a shot from last Monday's Easter egg hunt at the White House. The event was picketed by right-to-life groups who feel the egg should not be trifled with.

Spokesman for the Lithuanian government responded this week to Soviet's cutting eighty percent of their heating oil supplies by saying, "Go ahead, cut off our heating oil. It's almost summer, you pinhead! ... Yeah, next winter, why don't you cut off our bathing suit supplies?" ... President Bush warned Soviet Premier Gorbachev that if he continues the economic cutbacks in Lithuania, he would get an even stronger warning. ... A spokesman for the Soviet news agency Tass said the president was only bluffing.

In Prague, Czechoslovakia yesterday, Parliament approved a new name for the Central European nation. It'll be called the Czech and Slovak Federated Republic. It was the second name change in a month. The first one, roundly rejected, was The Pat Sajak Show.

[Photo of a Nikita Khrushchev look-alike] Former Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev turned up this week at a demonstration in Soviet Moldavia. Khrushchev, who died in 1971, explained his reappearance by saying, "Well, Communism failed and hell froze over."

Dennis Miller: And now, once again, it's time for a new feature on Weekend Update, "News from Ten Feet Away." We go now to correspondent Kevin Nealon.

[Cut to Kevin Nealon standing in the audience ten feet away, wearing a trench coat and speaking into a cordless microphone. Dennis, sitting at the Weekend Update desk, is visible in the background. SUPER: LIVE / KEVIN NEALON / TEN FEET AWAY]

Kevin Nealon: Dennis, once again, I'm standing here, ten feet away from you and the Weekend Update desk. ... And, once again, there are some lights and television equipment here as if there's a show being performed. ... And there seems to be a crowd gathered. [cheers and applause] Apparently, a rambunctious crowd and - and they're here to watch something. It - it's an almost eerie similarity to the last time I reported to you from ten feet away, Dennis. ...

Dennis Miller: And what's the mood over there this time, Kevin?

Kevin Nealon: Well, once again, the mood is, uh, uh, festive. [cheers and applause] It's a mood of anticipation, uh, I would say mostly anticipation, Dennis. The people here seem to be waiting for something. ... Almost as if they're ready to be entertained and yet -- they're not being entertained. ... Not in any way, shape or form. ... And now, from a fair portion of the audience, I'm sensing a glint of recognition, mixed with absolute disbelief. As if they're watching something that they had seen before and that they never in their wildest imagination thought they would ever have to sit through again. ... [cheers, Kevin clears his throat] And now, I'm - I'm seeing some faces, uh, looking in my direction, Dennis, and I'm sensing a feeling of pity. ... Pity and tolerance, almost as if they're watching someone who does not appear on the show very often. ... [crowd says: "Awwwwwww!"] Someone who is being allowed to make a token appearance, being thrown a bone, if you will. Pure pity, Dennis. Pure pity. ... And now I can tell the mood is shifting again, Dennis. ... This time to - to boredom. ... Boredom and indifference. A feeling of "That's his problem, we came here to be entertained. Why don't they get on with the real show?" All this just ten feet away, Dennis. And now, within my field of vision, I see a man with a headset. He's giving me a slashing "cut" gesture with his hand. Uh, almost as if he's being directed to cut short a routine, if you will, that is not working and should be stopped. ... Uh, a routine that was put on without anyone's authorization or approval. Now, that same man is throwing his headset down, Dennis, almost as if he can't get through to someone who is very stupid or self-absorbed. ... He seems to be very irate. I can't give you a full report as I'm only ten feet away. Oh, but, now he's coming a little closer-- Yes, he does appear to be a little - a little ex-- [A hammer swings into view conking Kevin on the head, he falls to the studio floor and sprawls there unconscious, cheers and applause as we cut back to Dennis at the desk]

Dennis Miller: I sense the report is over.

New York won the title of Number One Crime Capital in the United States this week. Detroit, after demanding a recount, will finally be giving their concession speech later this week. ... Statistics in the Big Apple show that there is at least one stick-up every six minutes. For those of you visiting the big city, do not fear -- if you fail to get mugged within the six minute time period, you'll get your pizza free.

[Photo of President Bush with two people in large Easter bunny costumes, a male and a female] President Bush met with Arizona senator Bruce Babbitt and his wife this week.

And the new movie Ernest Goes to Jail grossed fifteen million dollars in its first two weeks. Fifteen million dollars. [An old song by the Doors plays with Jim Morrison singing: "This is the end, beautiful friend..." as the lighting turns dark red and Dennis grows grim and peers into the camera shaking his head sadly:] The horror ... the horror ... ["This is the end..." Song ends, lights come up and Dennis returns to normal]

[Photo of students at a school dance] The Supreme Court this week refused to overrule a decision by a Missouri court that prohibited dancing in the city of Purdy, Missouri, saying it was up to the city to rule on it. And, additionally, the Supreme Court made it illegal in Purdy to make this overly cool dancing face. [Closer shot of the same photo with one student grimacing horribly]

[Photo of baseball umpire calling prostrate ball player out at home plate - it looks as if the umpire just punched out the player] Umpire Mark Johnson knocked out Milwaukee Brewer Rob Deer in the third inning of last night's game. The umpire's manager Don King said that he will fight Don Mattingly sometime later this summer.

[Photo of singer-actress-activist Eartha Kitt] And, tomorrow, of course, is Eartha Day and ... I couldn't be more excited. I - I've always been such a fan of this special lady's work. ...

Dennis Miller: And now, a humble man who breathes the very air of truth and insight, A. Whitney Brown with the Big Picture. Welcome, Whitney. [cheers and applause for Whitney who shakes hands with Dennis]

A. Whitney Brown: Thank you, Dennis. Nice to be here. Thank you. Well, friends, tomorrow everybody will be out planting trees to save the planet. Of course, we'll cut them all down again at Christmas but ... it's the thought that counts. Earth Day began in 1970, right after we went to the moon. Why did we go to the moon? No one knows. ... Maybe JFK wanted to impress one of his secretaries. ... Or maybe he just wanted to make Khrushchev look bad. Anyway, it was a dream that he had and LBJ made it come true -- on some land a friend of his owned in Houston. ... It was an amazing feat. In fact, it was the greatest leap of life since the amphibians hit the beach in the Paleozoic Era. But, you know, our egotism was revealed with those eleven cruel words: "[That's] one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind." Like the rest of the ecosystem didn't even exist! No mention of the trees that made the oxygen that fired the rockets! No "thank you" to the cretaceous mollusks that laid down the continents one stinking shell at a time -- without a government contract, I might add. ... You know, if I were another link of the food chain, I'd have taken it as a deliberate snub. He could have at least thrown a bone to the invertebrates who backed us up when we were a bunch of nobodies. ... Actually, I don't think Neil Armstrong even wrote it himself. It sounds more like Neil Diamond. ... But, in the Big Picture, besides arrogance, the greatest threat to the environment is ignorance. For example, there are twenty-five million illiterates in this country alone. Every day, vast numbers of them give directions at service stations. ... [cheers and applause] ... wasting millions of gallons of gasoline. Thousands more of them defrost refrigerators with sharp objects. ... Thereby releasing chloroflourocarbons into the atmosphere. Which is all the more reason to plant trees. Because they give us two most crucial elements for our survival: oxygen and books. And that, my friends, is the Big Picture. [cheers and applause]

Dennis Miller: Whitney Brown.

By the way, numerous Earth Day celebrations are planned for all over the world tomorrow -- or is it today? [chuckles] You know, I'm so bad with Earth Days. Anyway-- ... In the event of rain, they will all be moved inside the core of the planet.

And, in an effort to strengthen Deborah Norville's image, the Today Show flew her to Nicaragua yesterday to interview the incoming president Violeta Chamorro. Norville met with Mrs. Chamorro at the palace in Managua at 7:15 this evening and, as we understand it, as of 8 p.m., Deborah Norville is the new president of Nicaragua.

[Photo of broadcast journalist Diane Sawyer and Donald Trump's mistress Marla Maples - the two blonde women are near look-alikes so Dennis sings a parody of "The Patty Duke Show" theme song:]
Where Diane adores the minuet
The Ballet Russe and crÍpes suzette
Hey, Marla loves the rock and roll
Billionaire makes her lose control
What a crazy pair

The U.S.-- [cheers and applause for Dennis' singing]

The U.S. census was declared a failure by Democrats this week after only sixty-five percent of all households chose to respond to the questionnaire. But what's the point of a census if they already have a complete list of all U.S. residents to mail the census to?

You know, you might think the Ninja Turtles would be the hottest toy item on the market right now but not so! It's gotta be this new one -- the New Kids on the Chopping Block doll set. [Dennis pulls out a New Kids on the Block doll with its head in a guillotine - cheers and applause] Let's see how it works. I'm not sure which one this is. I - I think it's Michelangelo. But here's how it works. [guillotine blade refuses to fall] Okay. ... [Dennis puts the doll away and laughs] Replacement heads are sold separately.

You know, the French government has declared war on tobacco, approving a law banning all cigarette advertising and announcing a fifteen percent increase in the price of tobacco products beginning next year in France. You know, I was in Paris last year and the nicest thing anybody did to me was blow smoke in my face.

[Photo of actor Richard Gere] Recent publicity for the movie Pretty Woman reveals that Richard Gere is now a Buddhist and also dating model Cindy Crawford. [Photo of model Cindy Crawford with her famous beauty mark] Gere said he converted to Buddhism about the same time he met Cindy. [Photo of Buddhist artwork with the same beauty mark]

Guess what, folks? That's the news and I - am ...

[Cheers and applause drown out Dennis final words as we pull back and fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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