Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 19




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89s: Andrew Dice Clay / Spanic Boys, Julee Cruise

Ridiculous Bull

Jake La Motta.....Andrew Dice Clay
Joey La Motta.....Jon Lovitz

Announcer: And now, from the makers of "Raging Bull", another episode of "Ridiculous Bull."

[ open on black-and-white setting: Jake La Matta sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the camera. Joey La Matta is standing. ]

Jake La Motta: Joey. You make a good sandwich, Joey.

Joey La Motta: [ pleased ] Thanks, Jake. [ steps over to the kitchen sink ]

Jake La Motta: You make a good sandwich. Hey, Joey! You can clean up later. Come sit down, Joey. Come sit down, we got twenty minutes before the ball game. [ Joey sits ] You look really good, Joey, you know?

Joey La Motta: Thanks, Jake!

Jake La Motta: You know, Joey, can I ask you a favor?

Joey La Motta: Yeah, sure.

Jake La Motta: If I asked you a favor, you would do it, wouldn't you?

Joey La Motta: Yeah, sure, whattaya want?

Jake La Motta: Alright, do me a favor, Joey. Hit me in the face.

Joey La Motta: What?

Jake La Motta: Hit me in the face, Joey.

Joey La Motta: Come on, let's go to the game.

Jake La Motta: Joey, hit me in the face. I'm your older brother, I'm askin' you to do something.

Joey La Motta: Oh, come on, Jake! What's it gonna prove?!

Jake La Motta: What's it gonna prove? Two things: I'm nuts, and you got a lifelong thing about gettin' me down! Now hit me in the face!

Joey La Motta: [ whining ] But I don't wanna hit you in the face!

Jake La Motta: Joey, hit me --

[ Joey reaches across the table and punches Jake in the face ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey punches harder ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? I'm still standin'!

Joey La Motta: Alright, let's go to the game --

Jake La Motta: You see that, Joey? Alright, Joey, do me a favor, alright?

Joey La Motta: What?

Jake La Motta: Break the plate over my head, Joey. [ Joey looks more surprised than before ] Do me a favor, break the plate over my head.

Joey La Motta: Oh, come on!

Jake La Motta: Hit me with the plate! I'm askin' ya, I'm your brother, Joey --

Joey La Motta: But -- [ he stands ]

Jake La Motta: Hit me, Joey. Hit me with the plate!

[ Joey smashes a plate over Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder, Joey!

[ Joey smashes another plate over Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes another plate over Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass, Joey!

[ Joey smashes a glass over Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass!

[ Joey smashes another glass over Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the glass, Joey!

[ Joey smashes another glass over Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? [ he stands, as Joey hits one last glass across his head for good measure ] You see? I'm still standin', Joey! [ walks away from Joey ]

Joey La Motta: Yeah, okay.

Jake La Motta: I'm still standin', Joey! Do me a favor, Joey.

Joey La Motta: What? [ more anxious than ever to leave for the game ]

Jake La Motta: Pick up the bat, Joey.

Joey La Motta: Wh-what?!

Jake La Motta: Pick it up, Joey!

Joey La Motta: [ picks up the bat ] You're crazy!

Jake La Motta: I'm crazy, huh?

Joey La Motta: Come on, Jake!

Jake La Motta: I'm crazy, right? Hit me with the bat!

Joey La Motta: I don't want to hit with the bat!! [ he his Jake with the bat anyway ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey hits Jake harder with the bat ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey? Look at me, Joey, I'm still standin'! You're never gonna get me down, Joey! You ain't never gonna get me down, Joey!

Joey La Motta: Come on!

Jake La Motta: Joey, you're my brother, right?

Joey La Motta: Yeah.

Jake La Motta: You want to do me a favor? Pick up the bowling ball, Joey.

Joey La Motta: [ frustrated ] It's ridiculous!

Jake La Motta: Hit me with the bowling ball, Joey.

Joey La Motta: But -- come on, let's go to the game!

Jake La Motta: Pick it up or I'll kill ya', Joey! I'm tellin' ya, you're gonna make me snap, Joey! Hit me with the bowling ball!

Joey La Motta: But, Jake, I really don't -- [ smashes the bowling ball on Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in, Joey!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball on Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the bowling ball!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball on Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey smashes the bowling ball harder on Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey! Look at me, Joey! I'm still standin', huh?

Joey La Motta: Can we go to the game now --

Jake La Motta: Joey, pick up the sledgehammer, Joey!

Joey La Motta: Oh, come on!

Jake La Motta: Pick up the sledgehammer, Joey! I'm goin' crazy, Joey!

Joey La Motta: [ picks up the sledgehammer ] Jake, what's it gonna prove?!

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the sledgehammer, Joey! I'm tellin' ya - smash my skull in!

Joey La Motta: I ain't gonna do it!

Jake La Motta: Smash -- You ain't gonna do it?

Joey La Motta: I ain't gonna do it!

Jake La Motta: You ain't gonna do it?

Joey La Motta: I ain't gonna do it!

Jake La Motta: I'm your older brother, I'm tellin' ya' - smash my head in, Joey!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer and smashes it across Jake's head ]

Jake La Motta: Harder!

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer at Jake, hitting only his nose ]

Jake La Motta: You see, that, Joey! You can't even hit me no more! [ backs up a step ]

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer at Jake, barely grazing his chest ]

Jake La Motta: You missed me, Joey, you see what I'm sayin'!

[ Jake smugly turns his back on Joey, who promptly takes the opportunity to smash the sledgehammer across the back of his head ]

Jake La Motta: You see what I'm -- heeyy, heeyy, Joey! Ohh, you're crazy, now, huh?

[ Joey swings the sledgehammer menacingly ]

Jake La Motta: Joey, pick up the microwave, Joey!

Joey La Motta: [ confused, puts down the sledgehammer ] Pick up the what?

Jake La Motta: Pick up the microwave, I ask of you!

Joey La Motta: Microwave?! It's --

Jake La Motta: Pick up the --

Joey La Motta: [ exasperated ] It's 1948!!

Jake La Motta: I know it is, but we got a microwave! Pick it up, Joey!

[ Joey relunctantly crosses over to the kitchen counter and picks up an anachronistically-challenged microwave ]

Jake La Motta: [ hovers over of Joey ] Pick up the microwave.

Joey La Motta: [ points the microwave at Jake ] Hey. You got a spot on your shirt.

Jake La Motta: I got a spot on my shirt?

Joey La Motta: Yeah.

Jake La Motta: I got a spot on my shirt?

Joey La Motta: Yeah, that's right.

[ as Jake looks down, Joey busts the microwave over Jake's head. It takes two strikes, but Jake's head passes right through the micrwoave, which crumbles around him ]

Jake La Motta: You see, Joey!

Joey La Motta: Jake!

Jake La Motta: Look at me, Joey! I'm still standin', Joey! [ Joey pushes the microwave remnants off Jake's shoulders ] I'm still standin', Joey, huh!

Joey La Motta: I gotta go!

Jake La Motta: You think you're gonna get -- you wanna go? You wanna go? You wanna do me a favor? Pick up the refridgerator, Joey.

Joey La Motta: Aw, come on!

Jake La Motta: Smash my skull in with the refridgerator, Joey!

Joey La Motta: I'll get a hernia!

Jake La Motta: I'm your brother! I'm tellin' ya', Joey, I'm your brother!

Joey La Motta: You're nuts!

Jake La Motta: Hit me with the refridgerator!

[ Joey struggles to lift the heavy refridgerator ]

Jake La Motta: Look at ya'! Look at ya'! look at you! [ Joey begins to raise the refridgerator off the ground ] Smash my head in with the refridgerator!

Joey La Motta: I'm gonna kill you!!

Jake La Motta: Go ahead! hit me with the refridgerator!

[ Joey taps the side of the refridgerator across Jake's head, as pots and pans fall from the top ]

Jake La Motta: Come on, Joey!

[ Joey taps the side of the refridgerator across Jake's head again ]

Jake La Motta: Harder! Harder!

[ the refridgerator now splits open, and Jake passes right through it ]

Jake La Motta: You see that, Joey! Look at me, Joey! Look at me! See! See, I'm still --

Joey La Motta: Your cuts are openin'!

Jake La Motta: My cuts -- I love you, Joey! Get over here, you're my brother! [ he hugs Joey ] Alright, you wanna go to the ball game? Huh?

Joey La Motta: Yeah.

Jake La Motta: You wanna go to the ball game?

Joey La Motta: Can we go?

Jake La Motta: Huh? You wanna go to the ball game?

Joey La Motta: Let's go.

Jake La Motta: Alright.

Joey La Motta: Don't forget to shut the window!

Jake La Motta: Alright.

[ Jake turns to face the window, then stops and stares at it for an extended moment ]

Joey La Motta: Are you comin'?

Jake La Motta: Joey. Come here a minute.

Joey La Motta: [ steps forward ] What do you want, Jake?

Jake La Motta: You're my brother, right?

Joey La Motta: Yes.

Jake La Motta: You do me a favor?

Joey La Motta: Sure.

Jake La Motta: Throw me out the window, Joey?

Joey La Motta: [ exasperated ] What? What's it gonna prove?!

Jake La Motta: Two things: I'm nuts, and you got a lifelong thing about gettin' me down. Now, t'row me out the window!

Joey La Motta: But we're on the first floor!

Jake La Motta: We're on the first floor, huh? [ wraps his arm around Joey ] Let's go to the roof, Joey. You're crazy!

[ they exit the kitchen ]

[ fade ]


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