Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 15: Episode 20




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89t: Candice Bergen / The Notting Hillbillies

A Special Message From The President Of The United States

President George Bush.....Dana Carvey

President George Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. You know, in the past, when I've spoken to you from this office here, the news has always been good. Not bad - good! The Berlin Wall, the collapse of Communism, that Noriega thing over there - good, good, good! [ laughs ] It's no wonder I'm up around that 80% approval area.

But now, tonight, the news I have to bring to you - not good. It's kind of bad! Maybe after you hear it, my approval rating will slip down to 75%! [ laughs ] A little joke there for ya! Now, during my campaign for President, certain things were said. Things like "Read my lips.. no.. new.. taxes." Now, when I said it, I meant it. I meant all three words. I meant "No"; I meant "New"; I meant "Taxes". I meant 'em all! But situations change.. Spring becomes Summer; summer days become cloudy up there; sincere growth projections prove overly optimistic. Expenditures have continued to grow.. [ tilts his hand ] Up here.. right there, those little expenditures, right in that area. Revenues remain flat.. [ places other hand below first hand ] ..right down here. See this gap here? That's what I wanna talk about, this budget deficit. The most frightening thing I've ever seen in my life. Right here! [ hands are positioned so as to appear to be holding an invisible box ] Doesn't go away. You can move it.. [ moves his hands all around, maintaining same shape ] Still the same size - flip it, turn it, throw it up, do anything you want.. [ moves his hands all over, keeping the shape intact ] ..don't think I haven't tried - still there! You can move it - move it in and out, results are always the same.

We've got that debt thing happening - we need cash. Sort of boggles my mind, but don't fear. I've got a plan. I've got a good plan. Gonna tell ta right now. Not avoiding it. Gonna come at ya with it, ready to tell you. Let the telling begin. Gonna come out with it! Here it comes! gonna tell ya - not afraid! Read my lips: I'm.. I'm gonna.. I'm gonna ra.. I'm gonna ra-ra.. I'm gonna ra-raise.. I'm gonna raise.. [ hyperventilates ] I'm gonna rai.. [ stutters ] t-t-t-t.. t-t-t-tax-es.. There! I said it, loud and clear.

Now, you might ask me, who's the money gonna come from? Could tax the poor; haven't got the money - wouldn't work! The rich - tax 'em all you want, they're slippery suckers! The incorporate meal deductions - they'll laugh at ya! Don't want to be laughed at by a tax lawyer down there, doing that laughter thing he does. That leaves us with the beautiful middle class - dependable, always there, family people. Don't know about keeping receipts, don't have a lot of paper laying around. Solid people. Don't think we don't love you, you little taxpayers! [ laughs ] Now, of course, the Democrats are gonna urge a big tax increase - 8, 10, 12% - nah.. ga.. do it! I'm talking 3, 4% tops - no more than 5 - that's it! So read my lips: No.. huge.. new.. taxes.

So, to sum up: Berlin Wall down; Communism collapsing; Noriega behind bars; gap! [ holds shape with hands again ] Dan Quayle still gaining acceptance; no huge new taxes. That's right - "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Ni-i-i-i-i-ight!


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