A Message From Iraq

President George Bush.....Dana Carvey
Moderator.....Phil Hartman
Tadir Havadabadi.....Tom Davis
Jan Hooks.....Malid Haziz Amani
Amad Havim Adabadi.....Kevin Nealon



[ open on still image of Saddam Hussein, over Iraqi chant music ]

Announcer: You are watching Iraqi State Television. The following is an unedited address by the President of the United States, George Bush.

[ dissolve to President Bush in the Oval Office ]

President George Bush: Good evening. Now, first of all, I'd like to thank the Iraqi government, for giving me this second opportunity to talk to the Iraqi people. You know, when I last spoke to you a few weeks back, apparently I failed to convey just how seriously the United States views the illegal seizure of Kuwait down there. My mistake, I believe, was in using the vague, euphemistic code words of international diplomacy. So, tonight I'm gonna speak to you in the kind of language that every Arab, every Iraqi, can understand.

You see, your leader - the godless liar, Saddam Hussein - is nothing more than a hyena in the skin of a lion. He thinks to frighten us, like sheep, with his loud braying - nah gah do it! America's no sheep waiting to be seized by a hyena! Rather, it's a great scorpion! Which deals a deadly sting to those who would crush it! Stinging! Stinging! Stinging!

You know, I've been in cose consultation with Speaker Foley, Senator Dole and Mitchell over there, in that place where they are down there! And, like me, they agree: the American people are not afraid of war. They don't fear death. But, rather, welcome death as a glorious martyrdom The reward of those who die in battle for the one true God, Jesus Christ! And your leader, the hyena, Saddma Hussein, thinks he can climb into the pit with the American cobra, and charm it with the music of his lies. But remember, Mr. Hussein: the venom of the American cobra spits far and true! Not spittin' yet - wouldn't be prudent! But, rest assured, that cobra will strike! [ hisses ]

As the prophet has written: [ speaks in Iraqi ] "Your children shall wander aimlessly. There reason shall desert them, and they shall not know where there fathers' bones are buried."

You know, this summer I was up in Kennenbunkport, Maine - relaxing, in that relaxation mode - while our armies, our great armies, lay poised on the brink of a great war. My wife, Bar, turned to me, and what she said speaks for Americans everywhere. "Jackals", said Bar. "Jackals will slake their thirst on the blood of Iraqi soldiers, and their entrails shall stink in the sun and be food for hogs!"

So, to sum up: Hussein, lion's clothing - really a hyena; America, both a scorpion and a cobra [ hisses ]; jackals, slaking their thirst, entrails stinking, food for hogs. Good night!

[ dissolve to moderated Ieaqi forum ]

Moderator: You have been listening to an address by the President of the United States. Here, with an analysis, are: Tadir Havadabadi.. Malid Haziz.. and Amad Havim Adabadi. Tadir, how do you think Bush did?

Tadir Havadabadi: I was impressed. This was a new George Bush. A mad man I think we can deal with.

Moderator: Malid?

Malid Haziz: Well, after his first speech, Bush desperately needed a hit. Tonight, I think he got a home run. I do. I do.

Moderator: Amad?

Amad Havim Adabadi: I was especially struck by the part about our children not knowing where are bones are buried. I've got several grandchildren, I want them to know where my bones are buried!

Moderator: This has been Iraqi State TV's special coverage of an address by the President of the United States. Later tonight, "Kojak". This week, Kojak is cortnered by members of the mob. But, first: "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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