Twin Peaks

Dale Cooper.....Kyle MacLachlan
Sheriff Truman.....Kevin Nealon
Leo.....Chris Farley
Deputy Andy Brennan.....Conan O'Brien
Leland Palmer.....Phil Hartman
Audrey Horne.....Victoria Jackson
Nadine Hurley.....Jan Hooks
Log Lady.....Jan Hooks
Backwards-Speaking Little Man.....Mike Myers



[ Music: "Twin Peaks" Theme ]

[ open on interior, Dale Cooper's hotel room at night ]

Dale Cooper: [ talking into tape recorder ] Diane, 11:31 pm. Just finished washing up and ready for bed. This morning, I showered for nine minutes. Found seventeen hairs; three curly, fourteen straight. I used the Basalm shampoo along with the conditioner courtesy of the hotel and delivering what it promised. A silky manageability. Cotton towel by Field Crest with just the right amount of absorbancy. Consumed fifteen doughnuts today, Diane. All jelly. I'll be injecting my insulin in four minutes. Diane, slept great last night. Got to find out what kind of sheets these are; not cotton, not rayon, silky. Damn fine sheets. I'm gonna get naked and slide around in them.

[ front door opens, as Sheriff Truman enters ]

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, great news. We found out who killed Laura Palmer. It was Leo. He just confessed.

Dale Cooper: Harry, I'm glad you're here. Tonight we're going to go up to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as indians. Hawk said we could borrow his buckskins - you know, the one with the eagle feather.

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, listen. Leo confessed. Leo turned himself in.

Dale Cooper: Well, that's good news, Harry. Another piece of the puzzle. It won't be long now.

Sheriff Truman: No, no, no, no. Leo confessed. He really did, honest. It's over. We found the murder weapon in the truck. His fingerprints match. We even have a video tape of it. [ pulls videotape out of his pocket ]

[ Music Over: "Laura Palmer's Theme" ]

Dale Cooper: Harry, in the FBI we're trained in one very important thing - to look beyond the obvious. Now, this video tape is helpful, but last night I had a dream. In that dream I saw a hairless mouse with a pitchfork singing a song about caves. I surmised these are the same caves at the Packard Saw Mill. Harry, tonight you and I are going to do a little spelunking.

[ the front door bursts open, as a handcuffed Leo enters with Deputy Andy Brennan ]

Leo: I guess you heard. I did it. I'm ready to do my time. Get me a beer!

Dale Cooper: Harry, this certainly puts him high on the list of suspects. See he doesn't leave town.

[ Music Over: "Laura Palmer's Theme" ]

Leland Palmer: [ despondent, enters the room ] Special Agent Cooper. I want to thank you for finding the man that killed my daughter Laura. Now that its over, I'm gonna miss you. [ hugs Cooper ] Dance with me. Dance with me. [ holds Cooper's hands and begins to sway ]

Dale Cooper: Leland, I'm afraid your celebration may be a bit premature. Laura's killer is still at large.

Leland Palmer: [ stops dancing ] What? [ sobs and uncontrollably dances with his hands, palms forward and on his head, then exits the room ]

Sheriff Truman: Cooper? Why did you say that? Leland's just starting to make a recovery.

Dale Cooper: Oh, don't worry about Leland. His dancing is actually getting quite good.

[ Music Over: "Audrey's Dance" ]

Audrey Horne: [ enters the room and leans against the wall ] Agent Cooper.

Dale Cooper: Audrey, did you dig up any new leads at the perfume counter?

Audrey Horne: I quit that job as soon as I found that Leo did it.

Leo: That's right! I'm the one.

Dale Cooper: [ scolding ] I'm talking to Audrey.

Leo: [ reaches in his pants pocket ] I've got pictures, see. [ pulls out his wallet and displays the pictures ] Here's me about to kill her. Here's me killing her. Here's me wrapping her in plastic.

Audrey Horne: [ squeezing between Cooper & Leo ] I just wanted to say goodbye, Agent Cooper. I want you to take this with you. [ hands him a gift ] I just have to finish wrapping it. [ shoves a 5-inch long, red ribbon in her mouth and slowly gobbles it up. Her tongue squirms around in her mouth, then she sticks her tongue out to reveal a tied red bow, which she places on Cooper's gift. ]

Dale Cooper: Thank you Audrey. [ Audrey exits the room ] Harry, tonight we'll stake out the graveyard disguised as alter boys.

Sheriff Truman: No, no. No, we won't, Cooper, and I'll tell you why - because the crime has been solved already. Leo confessed.

Dale Cooper: Okay, we'll go to One-Eyed Jacks disguised as Eskimo seal hunters.

Sheriff Truman: No, Cooper.

Dale Cooper: How about Vegas?

Sheriff Truman: No.

Dale Cooper: It's fun.

Sheriff Truman: Come off it, Cooper.

Dale Cooper: Harry, I've got it. [ picks up a rock from the table. ] I'll throw this rock at the window. If it breaks, Leo is innocent. [ throws the rock at the window, breaking it. ] Leo you're free to go.

Sheriff Truman: Look, Cooper - I know you have interesting methods, and I don't blame you for loving your work. But seeing that this crime is solved already, I'd like to move on to an unsolved crime.

Leo: Look! I did it! You think those notes I sent you were a joke?!

Dale Cooper: What notes?

Leo: Those notes right there. [ points to some notes on the table ]

Sheriff Truman: [ picks up the notes and reads them ] "Dear Agent Cooper. I killed Laura Palmer. Signed Leo Johnson." [ reads next note, as Cooper looks on ] "Dear Agent Cooper. Wondering if you got my first note. Read my killing of Laura Palmer. Signed Leo Johnson." [ reads next note ] "Dear Agent Cooper. Why no response about me killing Laura Palmer? Are you still on the case? If not, please forward to proper authorities. Yours truly, Leo 'the murder of Laura Palmer' Johnson."

[ Music Over: "Night Life in Twin Peaks" ]

Nadine Hurley: [ rushes in carrying a drape runner ] Agent Cooper. [ grabs his left arm ] I understand you're returning to Washington? [ Cooper nods yes ] This.. [ points to her drape runner ] This is my silent drape runner. Please see that it gets to the patent office. That is all. [ runs out of the room ]

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, I think I'm going to head off, too.

Dale Cooper: Oh, not yet, Harry. We still haven't heard from the Log Lady.

Sheriff Truman: Cooper, you're not going to hear from the Log Lady.

Dale Cooper: Why not?

Sheriff Truman: Well.. because there's only two women left on "Saturday Night Live", and we've already used them both up.

[ Log Lady rushes into the room carrying her log in her arms ]

Log Lady: [ out of breath ] Hi. My log says Leo did it. That all, I got to go. [ exits room in a rush ]

Dale Cooper: Harry, this town never ceases to amaze me.

Sheriff Truman: Well, you come back and visit any time. [ faces Leo and Andy ] Let's go, everybody.

[ the three of them start to leave ]

[ Music Over: "Into The Night" ]

Dale Cooper: Well, wait.. maybe.. maybe Leo did kill Laura Palmer.. but we still haven't figured out who shot me.

Leo: I did! Geez, you saw me!

Sheriff Truman: Come on, lets go, everybody. [ to Cooper ] A good morning to you. [ exits room and closes door ]

[ Music Over: "Twin Peaks" Theme ]

Dale Cooper: [ puts drape runner down, then takes out his miniature tape recorder ] Well, Diane, I guess I'm going to be heading home several months earlier than I planned. [ turns light off ] I suppose I might as well, because for the first time in my life.. here in this beautiful town of Twin Peaks, I feel alone. Hopelessly alone.

[ front door opens, as the Backwards-Speaking Little Man enters ]

Backwards-Speaking Little Man: [ subtitles ] Hello Cooper.

Dale Cooper: Hello, little friend.

Backwards-Speaking Little Man: [ subtitles ] Heard about Leo confessing, tough break.

Dale Cooper: It's okay. Say, I thought I might go to the diner for a slice of cherry pie before I leave town.

Backwards-Speaking Little Man: [ subtitles ] Do they have little pies?

Dale Cooper: My friend, I've got a feeling they do. [ pats the Backwards-Speaking Little Man on the arm, then heads to the door, where he pauses solemnly ] You know what - on second thought, I think I'll just call it a night. Is that all right? Nothing personal?

Backwards-Speaking Little Man: [ subtitles ] Sure. No problem.

[ Music Over: "Dance of the Dream Man" ]

[ Backwards-Speaking Little Man begins to dance, as Cooper climbs into bed and cover himself with the sheets ]

[ fade to black ]


SNL Transcripts