All My Luggage

Baggage Handler.....Kevin Nealon
Jessica Fleming.....Susan Lucci
Ted Fleming.....Phil Hartman

[ sketch opens with soapy organ music ]

Baggage Handler: Mrs. Fleming?

Jessica Fleming: Yes?

Baggage Handler: I'm afraid we have some bad news.

Jessica Fleming: Bad news? What do you mean?

Baggage Handler: I'm afraid we can't find your luggage.

[ organ hits a high chord ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: "All My Luggage".

[ dissolve back to scene ]

Jessica Fleming: What do you mean, you can't find my luggage? What do you mean? Where is it?

Baggage Handler: It's too soon to know.. but it is possible it was taken off in St. Louis - which, as you know, is our hub. In that case, your luggage could be anywhere. It could be in Dallas, Chicago, Newark, Memphis, Salt Lake City, Miami..

Jessica Fleming: This isn't happening! No, no, no! I spoke with Customer Complaints, and they said they would put a tracer on it! And that means my luggage will be returned to me by tonight, right?!

Baggage Handler: [ dramaticd pause ] Mrs. Fleming.. a tracer is a complicated and time-consuming process. First, we have to ask you to circle the shape of the luggage on this chart. Then we would fax it to Detroit, Baltimore, Atlanta, Kansas City..

Ted Fleming: So, what are you telling us?

Baggage Handler: I'm telling you there's a chance you won't get your luggage this eveinng.

Jessica Fleming: No, this isn't happening! You don't understand! I change my clothes four times a day! My suede skirt is in my bags! All my scarves, all my make-up! No, no, no, this isn't happening! This is not happening!

Baggage Handler: Mrs. Fleming, we're all praying here that the tracer works. However, you may have to face the possibility.. of shopping here in Vegas.

Jessica Fleming: No! Oh, no, no! My luggage is not lost! Do you understand me? My luggage is not lost!

Ted Fleming: Sweetheart, it's okay.

Jessica Fleming: No, Ted, they're wrong! I-I know they're wrong! [ to Baggage Handler ] Don't you dare stand there and tell me that I have to face the possibility that my luggage is lost! Because I will not face that possibility! I will not!

[ Jessica storms out of the office ]

Ted Fleming: [ to Baggage Handler, stern ] You put that tracer through now! And the next time I hear from you, you'd better have some information about those bags!

[ cut to Jessica standing in the airport chapel ]

Ted Fleming: You cannot do this to me, do you understand! You cannot do this!

[ Ted enters chapel ]

Ted Fleming: Jessica!

Ted Fleming: Ted! Ted, tell me it's all a nightmare, and then I'll wake up and they will find my luggage, and my luggage will be here with me! My clothes will be here! My scarves will be here! My make-up will be here!

Ted Fleming: Shhhh.. Jessica.. don't do this to yourself.

Jessica Fleming: Why? Why did this happen! Ted, why did this happen?!

Ted Fleming: Shhhh.. The baggage handler's are there, darling. If anyone can find your luggage, it's them.

Jessica Fleming: But what if they can't? What if they can't?

Ted Fleming: Shhhh.. Shhhh.. Let me take you out to the baggage area. I think you need soem rest.

Jessica Fleming: Rest? no, I can't rest - not now. I'd like to stay here - alone - for a minute. Okay?

Ted Fleming: [ long dramatic pause ] Okay. I'll be in the

[ Ted exits ]

Jessica Fleming: [ kneels and prays to God ] It's been a long while since I've prayed. I know it seems like the only time I come to you is when I lose my bags. I hope you'll forgive me for that. But this time I had no carry-on at all! Everything is in that baggage! Oh, God, I know I've over-reacted before! Like the time in Phoenix, when I left my garment bag on the plane, and I said there was a bomb threat just so I could get all my stuff! But this time, it's different! I have everything in those bags!

[ Baggage Handler enters chapel ]

Baggage Handler: Jessica Fleming!

Jessica Fleming: Yes?!

Baggage Handler: We found your bags.

Jessica Fleming: Oh.. thank you.

Baggage Handler: They're in Milwaukee.

Jessica Fleming: No! No! No! No! No! No!

[ dissolve to title card, fade ]

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