Middle-Aged Man

Teenager #1.....Dana Carvey
Teenager #2.....Chris Rock
Middle-Aged Man.....Mike Myers
Housewife #1.....Jan Hooks
Housewife #2.....Victoria Jackson
Drinking Buddy.....Chris Farley



[ open on two Teenagers trying to work on their car ]

Teenager #1: How does this thing work?

Teenager #2: I don't know, man, I've never done this before..

Teenager #1: Ah, I'm never gonna make it to the concert now..

Middle-Aged Man: [ flashes in ] Maybe I can help! Always hook positive to positive.. when the dead car starts, remove the cables immediately! You know, you ought to put some baking soda on those battery terminals! That way, they won't corrode!

Teenager #1: [ impressed ] Wow.. I never would have thought of that! How do you know this stuff?

Middle-Aged Man: I know, because I'm.. Middle-Aged Man!

[ dissolve to opening credits for "Middle-Aged Man" ]

[ SUPER: "Middle-Aged Man, with Ed Miles" ]

Jingle: "Middle-Aged Man. Middle-Aged Man.
He has powers and knowledge that are far beyond younger men.
Middle-Aged Man.
Caught between forty and fifty-five
Accruing more interest, yet losing his sex drive.
Middle-Aged Man."


Announcer: Tonight's episode: "The Affair".

[ open on two Housewives having coffee in the kitchen ]

Housewife #1: I think Larry is having an affair.

Housewife #2: Oh, no.. you really think so?

Housewife #1: I just wish there was someway I could find out for sure..

Middle-Aged Man: [ flashes in ] Maybe I can help!

Housewife #1: What? Who are you?

Middle-Aged Man: I'm.. Middle-Aged Man!

Housewife #2: I've heard of you! [ Drinking Buddy flashes in ] Who's this?

Middle-Aged Man: Uh.. this is my sidekick.. Drinking Buddy.

Housewife #2: What's the difference between you and Drinking Buddy?

Middle-Aged Man: I have a life!

Drinking Buddy: You.. you got any beer?

Housewife #1: Uh, yeah.. I think there's one left in the fridge there.

Drinking Buddy: [ pulls out a single beer ] Oh, I couldn't take your last beer.. [ pulls tab ]

Housewife #1: Oh, that's okay.

Drinking Buddy: Thanks! [ guzzles beer ]

Middle-Aged Man: [ returning to the issue at hand ] What seems to be the problem? Hold on.. hold on.. I think I just had a Maalox Moment!

Housewife #1: I think my husband is having an affair?

Middle-Aged Man: [ thinking ] Hmm.. did he recently buy a red sports car?

Housewife #1: Why, yes, he did!

Middle-Aged Man: Did he go out and get a haircut that's far too young for his face?

Housewife #1: Why, yes, that's amazing!

Middle-Aged Man: And, finally, does he seem unusually happy lately?

Housewife #1: No.. not really..

Middle-Aged Man: Then he's not having an affiar! [ he and Drinking Buddy laugh uproariously ] Ah, just a little Middle-Aged humor! Right, Drinking Buddy?

Drinking Buddy: [ belching ] Absotutely!

Middle-Aged Man: [ panicking ] Hey! What are you looking at! You're looking at my gut, aren't you!

Housewife #2: No!

Middle-Aged Man: Well, I'm working on it!

Drinking Buddy: [ waving beer can ] Say, Ed, it's beer-thirty.. don't you think we should be, uh.. you know.. going?

Middle-Aged Man: Ah, tie a knot in it! Don't start getting the shakes on me!

Housewife #1: Oh, Middle-Aged Man, my husband seems so bored and disinterested..

Middle-Aged Man: How long have you been married?

Housewife #1: Seven years.

Middle-Aged Man: How long have you had that hairstyle?

Housewife #1: Seven years.

Middle-Aged Man: What are you, Betty Rubble?! Change it!

Housewife #1: [ put off ] Well, now, I think you've forgotten what it feels like to be sexually desirable.

Middle-Aged Man: Maybe. But I know where all my appliance warranties are.

Housewife #2: Wow! I'd give anything to know that!

Middle-Aged Man: [ annoyed ] Hey! you're still looking at our guts, aren't you?!

Housewives: Noooo..

Middle-Aged Man: Hey! I bought an Abdominizer!

Housewife #2: I think Love Handles are sexy!

Middle-Aged Man: Oh, yeah, Love Handles! There's a euphanism. It's like calling saggy breasts Love Bags! NO ONE'S BUYING IT!!

Drinking Buddy: Hey, Ed, come on.. my back teeth are starting to pull here..

Middle-Aged Man: Alright, hold your horses! You know you don't buy beer, you rent it! [ to Housewife #1 ] I hope we were some help to you.

Housewife #1: Yes, you were. Thanks, Middle-Aged Man!

Middle-Aged Man: My pleasure. [ to Housewife #2 ] Just stop looking at my gut! I'm working on it!

[ Middle-Aged Man flashes off, followed closely by Drinking Buddy, as the Housewives wave goodbye ]

Jingle: "He's Middle-Aged Man."

[ fade out ]


SNL Transcripts