Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Announcer.....Phil Hartman
Hans.....Dana Carvey
Franz.....Kevin Nealon
.....Patrick Swayze

Announcer: Welcome to Pumping Up with Hans & Franz the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.

Hans: Alright welcome. We're back! (Crowd applauds) Now once again I'm Hans.

Franz: And I'm Franz. And --

Both: we just want to PUMP (Clap) YOU UP!!

Hans: Alright we've been on the body court for the last 4 months. Some 300 scientists of 23 countries made an exhausted study of our bodies to try and find out if we were real.

Franz: Yeah that's right. Could two men be this perfect? Is it genetically possible? Answer: yeah.

Hans: Conclusion affrimative. Now I know we seem not to be real because we are beyond belief but you can stop pinching yourself.

Franz: Yeah that's right. Wake up and smell the muscles.

Hans: All right enough talk. We're not here to recite dry scientific jargon. We're here to introduce our first...

Both: (Clap) Guest!

Franz: All right ladies and gentlemen at this time. Please welcome international film star. Mr Patrick Swayze!

(Patrick enters to applause)

Patrick: Thanks for having me on. I'm a big fan.

Hans: Yeah, well find me someone who's not.

Franz: Now Patrick this summer, we saw you in the movie called "The Ghost". Now its theme is the internal struggle between good and evil. The pumped up VS The flabby.

Hans: That's right. In case you haven't seen the movie, Patrick plays a properly pumped up man who rises to heaven. While the girly man loser is sucked down into his loser hole where he remains eternially flabby!

Patrick: Well that's pretty much what we were trying to say with the film.

Hans: Right We know that, We know that. You know Patrick, Franz and I are big fans of your work. and we think you are you are one of the greatest non Arnold actors working today.

Patrick: Wow thank you. That's really nice to hear.

Franz: And we understand that your film is the highest grossing film of the year. Even though it lacked a Schwarzeneggerian element.

Patrick: Well we are pleased with the success of "Ghost" but we didn't mean any disrespect to Mr. Schwarzenegger.

Hans: I'm sure Arnold is not threatened.

Franz: I think not.

Hans: Give me break, alright. Anyway I understand you have a new book out, Patrick.

Patrick: (As Franz shows the book) Yes it's called Fitness and Flexibility the Swayze Way.

Franz: Sounds interesting.

Patrick: I feel that, compared to muscular strength, flexibility is often neglected, you know?

Franz: I tell you something, Patrick, we know all about flexibilty.

Hans: Here's some flexibilty for you! (They pose)

Patrick: That's good but I'm talking about a different kind of flexibilty.

Hans: Yeah.

Patrick: This kind where you... get down Harold. (Gets down on the floor and does a split.) Come on try.

Hans: Yeah we can do it.

Franz: That's not important. (They try to split but can't get down as far.) You know either way.

Hans: It's all flexibilty. (Patrick gets up)

Franz: All right Patrick thank you for dropping by and dropping in.

Patrick: Thank you for having me.

Hans: Patrick Swayze thank you. (Patrick leaves) You know Franz. I have to say. I'm sure our viewers out there will agree. I'm very impressed with Mr. Swayze's flexibilty. You know for a non-Arnold actor he was very pumped up.

Franz: Yeah I suppose...

Hans: I was particularly impressed by the lift of his sturdy buttock muscle and the firmness of his hairless pectoral.

Franz: Yeah I agree.

Hans: I couldn't help but thinking of how well his chest area, properly oiled, would do in competition.

Franz: (Thinking) What are all these feeling I'm experiencing? Why do I keep thinking about Patrick Swayze wanting to get to know him better and to possibly work and train with him. What do these feelings mean?

Hans: Franz! Franz, I asked you a question.

Franz: Oh I'm sorry Hans!

Hans: I asked you what you thought about the angle of his body crease and how well porportioned it's doing?

Franz: Well I didn't notice.

Hans: What do you mean you didn't notice? How could you not notice?! You did not notice his buttocks? They were so out thrust and nicely contoured.

Franz: (Thinking) Why is Hans doing this to me? Why does he keep tormenting me this way? I must drive these thoughts away. I must pommel them out of my mind. Pummel out, pummel out, pummel out, pummel out, pummel out!

Hans: I mean get out of here you didn't notice his buttocks! What do you mean you didn't notice his buttocks? I've known you for 17 years Franz. You never cease to amaze me Franz. You can practically reach out and firm up and lift up his buttocks.

Franz: Yeah yeah yeah right. Yeah I did notice. (Starts daydreaming of a goat leaping in the air and then he dreams of Patrick riding on a white horse down the road)

Hans: Franz!! Franz! We are talking about Patrick Swayze's body and I've lost you. It's like you're in another world or something. You know I can't believe it because his body...

Franz: (Daydreams again and he gets on the same white horse with Patrick)

Hans: FRANZ!! FRANZ!! Earth to muscleman! Earth to muscleman! Are you still with us? I can't believe you. Well ladies and gentlemen. We're going to have to cut the show tonight. Franz is now feeling well. Yeah that's the ticket. But we'll be back next week to...

Both: PUMP (Clap) YOU UP!! (they pose)

Announcer: This has been pumping up with Hans & Franz.

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts