Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

... Dennis Miller
2nd Dennis Miller ... Dana Carvey
3rd Dennis Miller ... Tom Hanks

b>Music Intro: "Instant Karma" by John Lennon.

[A hip-swiveling Statue of Liberty grooves to the beat against a red-hued New York City skyline as a graphic reads: WEEKEND UPDATE/ DENNIS MILLER. Cheers and applause.]

Don Pardo V/O: And, now, "Weekend Update" with anchorperson, Dennis Miller!

[Dissolve to Dennis at the WU desk where he, too, grooves to the beat.]

Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?

This week, after ordering the release of all foreign hostages, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein reiterated his vow to never get out of Kuwait -- that's final. Hearing the news while visiting South America, President Bush bristled and, in an effort to send Hussein a strong message, squeezed a piece of anthracite coal into a diamond. [Photo of Bush gritting his teeth while making a fist] ...

Twenty-three of the departing hostages were about to leave today but, when they found out their flight was on Northwest Airlines, they chose to stay. ... [applause]

Iraqi airports -- one of the few airports in the world where they have a metal detector when you get off the plane. ...

In the Persian Gulf this week, some of the U.S. Army soldiers were tricked into selling their M-1 tank for a bag of, quote, "magic sand." ... The - the soldiers now plan to trade an Apache helicopter for some "magic water" because without magic water, the magic sand just won't work. ...

And actress Brooke Shields was denied a visa this week to visit our troops in Saudi Arabia for the holidays. Spokesmen in the Gulf said, "First off, she's a beautiful young woman. Secondly, she often wears scanty clothing. And third, and most importantly, did you see Blue Lagoon? What in the hell was THAT all about?" ...

The United States has begun a secret airlift of a group of anti-Qaddafi Libyans living in Chad. In a related story, the Anti-Qaddafi Libyans Living in Chad said that their new album, "We are the Anti-Qaddafi Libyans Living in Chad" will be out in late January. ... And, you know, if you haven't seen the Anti-Qaddafi Libyans Living in Chad live, you are really missing something. ...

General Colin Powell, Chairman of the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff, met this week with British Prime Minister John Major to talk about the Gulf crisis at 10 Downing Street. Powell then went to the suburbs of London where he inspected a dirty Q-Tip factory. [Photo of Powell inspecting British Beefeaters, their black fur helmets looking like dirty cotton swabs] ...

The FBI monitored over fourteen hundred telephone calls made by General Manuel Noriega from his prison cell between February and November. The FBI expressed concern over language it believed may have included encoded messages concerning drug and money transfers such as the following passage: "Tell the Domino's Pizza in Bogota that I want ten thousand grams of their best pizza delivered to my friend Jaime Escolar in Miami. ... He is very, very hungry and will pay in cash or deutschemarks." ...

Pope John Paul II appeared on the balcony in Vatican City this week to speak an encyclical to over three hundred thousand people but then turned and ran in confusion when the crowd greeted him with Arsenio's "woof woof woof" thing. [Dennis demonstrates] ... [applause]

In an effort to diminish further misunderstanding, Jewish and Catholic leaders met at the Vatican this week to begin a dialogue. Here are some of the dialogue excerpts: "You did, too, kill Him." "We did not." "Did, too!" "Did not!" ... The two groups hope to reach an agreement sometime next century. ...

To help relieve the Russian food crisis, the U.S. has been sending as much aid as they can afford. Thirty thousand cases of black licorice, a similar amount of prune juice, and a couple cases of beets have been sent over so far. And there are plans to send more stuff nobody here likes -- and they're now underway. ...

After weeks of mounting tension, a million dollars at stake, and the World Chess Championship on the line, Garry Kasparov went berserk yesterday, took off all of his clothes and yelled, "Yahtzee!" ... [applause] Thank you.

[Photo of unidentified mustachioed Mideasterner] Ladies? Beware of this man. He will attempt to romance you away from your husband. ...

And the New York City Board of Education is considering a cucumber curic'lem - curriculum ... in order to teach students how to use condoms. It has devised a program in which students will be given two condoms and a cucumber or a zucchini on which to put the condom to demonstrate how it is used. ... A student body spokesman, Billy Eckhart, said, "Great. I got enough peer pressure. Now, I've gotta spend the rest of my life trying to live up to vegetables. ... Yeah. Isn't there--? [cheers and applause] Isn't there some way we can demonstrate these things on those baby corns you get at Thai restaurants?" ...

[Photo of Vice President Dan Quayle standing next to an auctioneer] And Christie's auction house on Manhattan's East Side this week, auctioned off Dan Quayle at their annual Curiosity Sale. ... Quayle brought thirty-eight dollars and forty cents at the auction but was returned later in the day by an unidentified buyer from Houston, Texas because he said the Vice President was broken. ...

Singer Sinead O'Connor this week told journalist Marcelle Clements that she has a preference for black men. The singer said, "I don't just like black men, I like dark-skinned men with dark hair, dark features. They must be over thirty years old, drug free and have plenty of facial hair." [Photo of actor Redd Foxx as Fred Sanford from the TV sitcom "Sanford and Son"] When contacted, junkman Fred Sanford said, "I'm comin', Sinead! This is the big one, baby!" ... [cheers and applause]

And Edward Scissorhands and Captain Hook were both killed this week when they high-fived each other at an apres-premiere party at New York City's Hard Rock Cafe.

Well, you know what? It's that time of the year, folks, and to get you into the festive spirit a little early, I thought I'd sing a Christmas carol. Assisting me will, of course, be -- me. Hey, squeeb-squaw.

[Pull back to reveal a second Dennis Miller -- with matching suit, tie, blow-dry haircut, pencil and sheaf of papers -- sitting next to the real Dennis.]

2nd Dennis Miller: Hey, keakoe. ...

Dennis Miller: You wanna try "Jingle Bells"?

2nd Dennis Miller: I think we need three part harmony for that one, baba ganoush. ...

Dennis Miller: Baba ganoush?

2nd Dennis Miller: Hey, lighten up, Captain Hairdo. You're the one who talks like this, okaaaaay?

Dennis Miller: All right, bring up the new guy.

2nd Dennis Miller: [calls off] Hey, waterpick!

[A third Dennis Miller rolls into view, clucking and shaking his head, Dennis Miller-style. The two mock Dennises cluck and draw cheers and applause, much to the real Dennis' embarrassment.]

Dennis Miller: All right. Let's - let's - let's - let's - let's - let's just-- Let's just sing this song, okay?

2nd Dennis Miller: Hey, chill out, Mitch Miller! Okay, Quak-a-po-keek-ko-quawk.

Dennis Miller: All right, all right. Let me give you the tone here. [takes out a pitch pipe and blows a note]

3rd Dennis Miller: Ho, ho, where'd you pick that up? Juilliard, babe?

Dennis Miller: [to the crowd] I've created an attitude monster. [to his fellow Millers] Let's just sing, all right?

2nd Dennis Miller: Okay.

Dennis Miller: One, two, three --

All Three Dennis Millers: [singing]
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh

[simultaneously running their hands through their blow-dried hair]
Dashing through the snow
[snow begins to fall from above]

2nd Dennis Miller: In a one horse open sleigh

3rd Dennis Miller: O'er the fields we go

All Three Dennis Millers:
Laughing all the way

[simultaneously doing Dennis' trademark high-pitched "ha haaa" laugh]

Dennis Miller: Bells on Bob-tail's ring

2nd Dennis Miller: [spoken] Hey, what the hell's a "bob-tail," cha-cha?

3rd Dennis Miller:
Don't be a big pain in the ass
Just sing the freakin' song

All Three Dennis Millers:
Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh, what fun ...

[The mock Millers lapse into clucking, shaking their heads, running their hands through their hair. The real Dennis gets fed up.]

Dennis Miller: Enough! Enough! Enough!

All Three Dennis Millers: [finishing the song]
Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!
Guess what, folks? That's the news and we are out of here!

[The three Millers do Dennis' trademark pencil in the air signature and groove to "Instant Karma" -- cheers and applause as we fade out.]

Submitted Anonymously

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