Renee Becker.....Victoria Jackson
Sgt. Jimmy Becker.....Joe Mantegna
Ted Koppel.....Dana Carvey
Art.....Mike Myers
Aunt Rose.....
Dad.....Phil Hartman
Bob.....Chris Farley
Grandma.....Julia Sweeney
Dirk.....Tom Davis
Sam Donaldson......Kevin Nealon
Diane Sawyer......Jan Hooks

Renee Becker: Hello, honey?

Sgt. Becker: Hi, honey! You sound great!

Renee Becker: Honey, we love you! And we're very proud of you!

[ "Nightline" graphics open ]

Ted Koppel: Good evening. I'm Ted Koppel, and thiiiiiis.. is "Nightline". If war does come to the Middle East, it will not be fought by George Bush or Saddam Hussein. It will be fought by men like Sgt. Jimmy Becker, of Sulphur Srings, Pennsylvania. Sgt. Becker, I know you were married last August, and your honeymoon plans were cut a little short.

Sgt. Becker: Yes!

Ted Koppel: Well, we have your bride, Renee, on a live phone hook-up. and, reNee, Jimmy - the line is now yours.

Renee Becker: Honey? You look great, and.. like I said.. we love you, and we're really proud of you!

Sgt. Becker: Well, I love you, and, uh.. I appreciate it.

Renee Becker: Well.. here's Art!

Art: Jimmy, it's Art!

Sgt. Becker: Hey! Little Brother!

Art: Hey, we love you, and we're real proud of you!

Sgt. Becker: I love you, too!

Art: Okay. now, I'll give it back to Renee!

Renee Becker: Hi, honey! It's me again! I still love you, and I'm still proud of you!

Sgt. Becker: I'm proud of you, too, honey!

Aunt Rose: Jimmy? Hi, this is your Aunt Rose! We love you, and we're just.. so proud! Here's your dad!

Dad: Son, I'm proud of ya!

Sgt. Becker: And.. you love me?

Dad: Sure do! I love you! And I'm proud of ya! I'm gonna give you back to Renee.

Renee Becker: Honey, it's me again! Everyone is just so proud!

Sgt. Becker: I.. know..

Renee Becker: I have a suprrise for you!

Bob: Jim, it's Bob!

Sgt. Becker: [ excited ] Bob!

Bob: Jim, you look great!

Sgt. Becker: Well, thanks! I wish I could see everybody there.

Bob: Well.. we're all very proud of you. I'll give you back to Renee.

Sgt. Becker: [ disappointed ] Uh.. you don't have to do that, Bob..

Renee Becker: Honey? I miss you.

Sgt. Becker: Yeah.. no more, okay, honey?

Renee Becker: Honey, somebody special came all the way from Tulsa!

Sgt. Becker: Okay.

Grandma: Jimmy, it's Grandma!

Sgt. Becker: Hi, Grandma!

Grandma: Jimmy, where are you?!

Sgt. Becker: I'm.. I'm in Saudi Arabia, Grandma.

Grandma: Jimmy, can you come over when you have some time, my car is making that same noise again!

Sgt. Becker: Uh.. I'll try to get somebody to fix that, Grandma..

Grandma: It still drives fine, and everything - of course, I don't drive that much any more!

Sgt. Becker: [ getting aggravated ] Grandma, put Renee back on.

Grandma: If something happened to that car, I don't know what I'd do!

Sgt. Becker: Grandma! Put Renee back on! [ Renee attempts to grab the phone from Grandma ] Hello? Hello! What's going on!

Ted Koppel: Jimmy, excuse me. I believe Renee is trying to get the phone away from Grandma.

Renee Becker: Honey? It's me again. Don't worry - Dirk said that he'll drive out and look at Grandma's car for her.

Sgt. Becker: Okay.. Well.. you thank Dirk for me.

Renee Becker: Wait, uh.. you can talk to him, he's right here!

Sgt. Becker: Uh.. uh.. honey! No!

Dirk: Jim! It's Dirk! Listen, don't you worry about Grandma's car. you just take care of yourself over there, we sure wouldn't want any thing to happen to you, seeing as how we all love you, and, uh.. how proud we all are of you.

Renee Becker: Hi, honey, I'm back! Honey?

Ted Koppel: Sgt. Becker? Sgt. Becker, I don't mean to interrupt. This is Ted Koppel in Washington. On behalf of all of us at ABC News, I just want to say how very proud we are of you, Sgt. Becker, and how much we all love you.

Sgt. Becker: [ out of it ] Thank you, Ted, I.. love you, too.

Ted Koppel: I've got Sam Donaldson here.

Sam Donaldson: Sgt. Becker! Sam Donaldson here! I don't know if Ted made it clear just how much we at ABC News love you! And it goes without saying that we're most proud of you and your brave co-horts - whom we also love!

Diane Sawyer: Sgt. Becker? Diane Sawyer. Now, while I can't say that I love you, because.. well, i've never met you-

Sam Donaldson: Oh, come on, Diane! I've never met him, and I love him!

Diane Sawyer: Sam, if you would let me finish, I was about to say how proud of him I am.

Sam Donaldson: Oh, I see! It's all well and good to be proud of our soldiers! But to love them! No, that's going too far! Come on, Diane, it's no skin off your back to love the man!

Sgt. Becker: Uh, yeah.. hi. Uh.. is Renee there?

Diane Sawyer: Well, Sam, maybe it's just that love means something more to me. I mean, I love my husband-

Sam Donaldson: Oh, I get it! Let's just love Mike Nichols, he's a big Hollywood director! It's easy to love him!

Ted Koppel: Sorry, Sam and Diane, but I do want ot get back to Sgt. Becker for some final thoughts. Sgt. Becker?

[ camera shows battle fatigues wrapped around a broom; Sgt. Becker nowhere to be seen ]

Ted Koppel: Apparently, Sgt. Becker has assembled a crude dummy of some sort, and left it in his place. I'm afraid we're going to have to leave it there. I'm Ted Koppel, and thiiiiis.. is "Nightline".

SNL Transcripts