Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 12





90l: Kevin Bacon / INXS

The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton

Jeffrey.....Phil Hartman
Cosima.....Jan Hooks
Colin.....Kevin Bacon
Blake.....Mike Myers
Meg.....Victoria Jackson
Chris.....Chris Farley

[ open on interior, family library, as members of the Sarcastic Clapping Family enter and sit ]

Jeffrey: Now that we're all here, I'd just like to say one thing: I know that some of you would like to challenge Father's will! After all, Meg and I did to rather well.. and maybe Blake and Cosima think that's unfair! Of course, I certainly respect your right to do whatever you feel you have to do - but! For God's sakes.. before we start getting lawyers in here, and fighting each other like greedy rats! Let's remember one thing: we're a family, dammit! A family!! Because there's a lot more at stake here than mere dollars and cents! There's the memory of a man we all loved. The man we called.. "Father".

[ Cosima claps sarcastically ]

Cosima: Quite a performance, Jeffrey. Oh.. quite a performance, indeed. Considering the fact that you.. hated Father! No, no, no - don't act so shocked, Jeffrey. We all know that you were just waiting for Father to die, so you could get oyur filthy hands on all his money..!! [ sobs ]

[ Colin claps sarcastically ]

Colin: Nice speech, Cosima. Very nice. Considering you hadn't seen Father in almost two years!

[ Blake claps sarcastically ]

Blake: Nice cutting observation, Colin.

[ Meg claps sarcastically ]

Meg: Nice sentence, Blake.

[ Chris claps sarcastically ]

Chris: Nice clapping, Meg!

[ Jeffrey claps sarcastically ]

Jeffrey: Nice.

[ they all clap sarcastically ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: And now, a scene from the next episode of.. "The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton".

[ dissolve to Blake and Cosima sitting around their proud Little Girl ]

Little Girl: Mommy! Daddy! Look at my picture!

[ Blake and Cosima clap sarcastically ]

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: Next week, on.. "The Sarcastic Clapping Family of Southhampton".

[ fade ]


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