Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 12







90l: Kevin Bacon / INXS

The Richmeister

Tom.....Mike Myers
Richmeister.....Rob Schneider
Randy.....Kevin Nealon
Steve.....Phil Hartman
Sandy.....Julia Sweeney
Xerox Repair Guy.....Kevin Bacon
Tim.....Tim Meadows

[ Tom enters the Copy Room ]

Richmeister: To-o-om! Tommy!

Tom: Hey, Richard. Just making some copies.

Richmeister: The Tom-Man! Makin' copies! The Tomster! Tomarewski! The Tom-meister!

Tom: Yeah. See ya. [ exits ]

Richmeister: Tom-o! [ Randy enters ] Randy! The Randster! Randy Ranapolis!

Randy: Hi, Richard. Just making some copies.

Richmeister: Randyyyy!

Randy: That's my name. Don't wear it out.

Richmeister: Sham-a-la-ma-Randman!

Randy: Bye bye. [ turns to leave ]

Richmeister: Randy Ra-owooo! Randatola! [ Randy exits ] The Great Randino. [ Steve enters ] Steve! The Steve Stevester!

Steve: Hey, Richard.

Richmeister: Baron von Steve!

[ copy machine makes a funny noise ]

Steve: [ tapping side of machine ] Has this machine been acting up?

Richmeister: Ste-e-eve!

Steve: [ picks up Richmeister's phone ] Yeah, this is Steve down the hall. Could somebody come over and take a look at the copier?

Richmeister: Steve-man! Calling for help! Helping the Xerox! Xeroxolla!

[ Sandy enters ]
Sandy: Hi, Richard.

Richmeister: Sandy! The Sandstress!

Steve: [ on phone ] Great! You're on your way? Okay. [ hangs up phone, approaches Sandy ]

Sandy: Has it stopped again?

Richmeister: Senor-i-ta Sand-i-ta!

Steve: I called the guy. He'll be right here.

Richmeister: Steve and Sandy. Can't make their copies!

[ Xerox Repair Man enters ]

Steve: Thanks for coming.

Xerox Repair Man: No problem.

Richmeister: Alright! Xerox Repair Man! The Guy Who Checks The Toner! Toner-Checker Man!

Xerox Repair Man: Hey, I'm try'na work here, alright?

Richmeister: Toner-Checkerinski! The Guy Who Took A Swing At Me!

Xerox Repair Man: [ opens copier ] Oh, boy. Not good. Not good.

Steve: What is it?

Xerox Repair Man: Well, your portal receptor belt's busted.

Sandy: [ confused ] What does that mean?

Richmeister: Admiral Checkley von Toner!

Xerox Repair Man: I can't fix it here. I gotta take it down to the shop.

Sandy: Do you have to?

Richmeister: Tony Tone Tone!

Xerox Repair Man: I'll have it back in.. 3 to 4 days, tops. [ exits room ]

Sandy: The copy machine is Richard's whole life. If they take it away, it'll kill him.

Steve: I know. He'll have no one to talk to.

Richmeister: Stevester and the Sandita! Sharing a secret!

Sandy: Can you tell him? I don't think I could. [ pats Richmeister's shoulder before she exits ]

Steve: Hey, Rich! The Richster!

Richmeister: Steve-o-o-o-o!

Steve: Rich, there's no easy way to tell you this. Thry can't service the copy machine here.

Richmeister: [ stunned, then smiles ] Alright! Steve-a-rono, teasin' the Richmeister! Pullin' my leg!

Steve: [ solemn ] No. It's no joke. The copy machine needs some major work.

Richmeister: The Steveinator! Pushin' the joke too far! Not funny!

Steve: Rich.. [ pats Richmeister's arm ] I wish it were a joke.

[ Xerox Repair Man re-enters with buddy, they roll the copy machine away, leaving Richmeister devestated. Steve quietly exits. ]

Richmeister: Disaster for the Richmeister. [ stands up, exits room, returns dragging the coffee machine, quickly plugs it into the wall ]

Tim: [ peers into room ] Oh. There's the coffee machine! [ pours a cup of coffee ]

Richmeister: Ti-i-i-im! Tim-my! Gettin' some coffee!

Tim: How ya doing, Richard?

Richmeister: No cream for the Tim-Man! Tim-oramovich! Timmy-Tim-Timinator! Tim!

[ fade to black ]


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