Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 16: Episode 17

90q: Catherine O'Hara / R.E.M.

Frank Gannon P.I. P.I.

Frank Gannon.....Kevin Nealon
Professor Halloway.....Tim Meadows
Dr. Amanda Caldecon.....Catherine OíHara
Mother #1.....Julia Sweeney
Mother #2.....Jan Hooks

[Man appears dead lying on the floor]

Dr. Caldecon: [crying]

Professor Halloway: I know, I know.

Dr. Caldecon: I just canít believe this is happening.

Professor Halloway: I know, I know.

Dr. Caldecon: Everyone loved George.

Professor Halloway: Iím sure that the police will get to the bottom of this Amanda.

Dr. Caldecon: But who could have killed him? Who could have done it? Who? Who? Who?

Frank Gannon: [approaches scene of crime] Thatís what Iím here for maíam. Frank Gannon, PI. Letís take a look at the body. [Glances at body, pause] I must be in the wrong place, the captain said a professor had been shot.

Professor Halloway: Thatís right, professor Atkins.

Frank Gannon: But this is a black man, this is obviously a drug related crime. Iím looking for the body of a college professor.

Dr. Caldecon: He was a professor.

Frank Gannon: Maybe you should take a closer look, this is clearly the body of a black man.

Professor Halloway: I know, this is the body of professor George Atkins, a college professor who happened to be black.

Frank Gannon: Oh oh I see, a professor of black studies?

Dr. Caldecon: Excuse me, I donít know why you would make that assumption, he was a professor of history.

Frank Gannon: Oh I see, black history.

Announcer: [as music plays] Frank Gannon, PI PI, politically incorrect private investigator.

Frank Gannon: Well anyway whatever kind of history he taight, heís history right now, and Iím here to find out why heís history. So if you could just direct me to the professorís widow, Iíd like to ask a couple of questions.

Dr. Caldecon: Iím the professorís widow.

Frank Gannon: Oh, by widow I mean the woman who was married to the professor, I mean the black woman.

Dr. Caldecon: I was his wife, I was married to the professor for 12 years.

Frank Gannon: Oh ok I seeÖ hippies? Now Mrs. Atkins-

Dr. Caldecon: Dr. Caldecon!

Frank Gannon: No I mean you, Mrs. Atkins.

Dr. Caldecon: No my name is Dr. Caldecon.

Frank Gannon: Woah, woah, hold on a minute here. I thought you said you were married to this Atkins guy.

Dr. Caldecon: I was I just didnít take his name.

Frank Gannon: I see, because heís black?

Dr. Caldecon: No! Are you an idiot?

Frank Gannon: Letís calm down Mrs. Cal-

Dr. Caldecon: Dr. Caldecon!

Frank Gannon: Hold on a minute now honey, you mean youíre a doctor?

Dr. Caldecon: Yes.

Frank Gannon: Oh I seeÖ midwife?

Professor Halloway: Dr. Caldecon is one of the finest orthopedic surgeons in this country.

Frank Gannon: Oh now who are you?

Professor Halloway: I am professor Halloway.

Frank Gannon: Oh I see, now Iím supposed to believe thereís two black professors?

Professor Halloway: Amanda, Iím sorry, Iíve done all I can. [walks off set]

Frank Gannon: Alright Dr. Caldecon, let me see if I have this correct. He broke into the house, he startled you, you shot him.

Dr. Caldecon: He lived here!

Frank Gannon: Why would he break into his own house?

Dr. Caldecon: He didnít break in!

Frank Gannon: Then why did you shoot him?

Dr. Caldecon: I didnít shoot him!

Frank Gannon: Alright, alright, calm down now. I gotta have you calm before we go any further here on this.

Dr. Caldecon: I didnít shoot him.

Announcer: [as music plays, shows office door with sign that reads ĎYes, weíre open of Martin Luther Kingís birthdayí] And now a scene from next weeks episode of ĎFrank Gannon PI PI, Politically Incorrect Private Investigatorí.

[goes to scene with Gannon and two women sitting with a young boy]

Frank Gannon: Alright let me see if I got this correct now. You both adopted little Jason here?

Mother #1: Thatís right.

Mother #2: Weíre Jasonís legal parents.

Frank Gannon: So youíre the mother and youíre the mother? [pointing to both women]

Mother #2: Thatís right.

Mother #1: Yes.

Frank Gannon: Ok but Iím still gonna have to talk to Jasonís two fathers.

Announcer: Next week on ĎFrank Gannon PI PIí.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

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