Pumping Up With Hans & Franz
Announcer: Good evening, and welcome again to "Pumping
Up With Hanz & Franz", the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.
Together: Welcome! We're back!
Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans...
Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to...
Together: pump... [They clap]...you up!
Franz: Alright, first of all, let’s clear something up. You know, many people have accused us of being involved with steroids.
Hans: Ja. They are right! But let me explain—to us, those steroids are something different!
Franz: Ja. They are the people who stop on the street and stare at our amazing pumpitude!
Hans: Hence, we call them Steroids!
Franz: Alright. Enough talk. We're not here to talk. We're here to...
Together: pump... [They clap]...you up!
Franz: You know, the big news this summer is, our cousin Arnold is coming out with a new blockbuster action movie. Doesn’t surprise us.
Hans: Ja. You know, Arnold is sure to beat out all the competition from these other second-rate action-movie stars!
Franz: ie, Sylvester Stallone, Rambo, Rocky…You know, all those guys!
Hans: That's right, you know—Charles Bronson Pinchot, all of them! You know, it’s a laugh to even compare them to Arnold! Look at me, Franz; I am laughing!
Franz: Ja! So am I, Hans!
[They laugh on, oblivious to the presence of Steven Seagal who has just walked up behind them and simply stands there]
Hans: Ja, we are laughing—And what about this guy, Steven Seagal?
Franz: Ja! Hear me now and believe me later…Arnold could easily rip Steven Seagal’s skinny little arms off and use them as dental floss!
Hans: Ja, unwaxed! [They mime flossing their teeth, then suddenly notice Seagal for the first time] Mr. Seagal! I didn’t see you!
Steven Seagal: I couldn’t help overhearing what you guys were saying, you know…
Hans: Oh, you’re so quiet; how long were you back there? We were just talking…
Steven Seagal: Look, fellas—let’s not confuse the issue here. I don’t wanna compare myself to these other stars; they’re great and everything like that. But what I do is unique…You see, I follow—Zen.
Hans: Oh, we know Zen. First we lift a barbell…
Franz: …Zen we lift another…
Hans: …Zen another…
Franz: …Zen another…and Zen another…
Hans: ...And Zen another…
Franz: …And Zen we are done.
Steven Seagal: Nah, I don’t think you guys understand what I’m talking about; maybe I could demonstrate. I’d like to hold my little finger out and let you guys push on it.
Franz: Ah—Well, before you make this rash decision, maybe you should see what you’re up against.
Hans: Ja. Take a look, Steven…
[Hans and Franz flex their muscles superiorly, although Seagal seems impressed]
Hans & Franz: [adlibs of “Now what do you think about that?”]
Steven Seagal: Looks to me like you guys are, like, really constipated; maybe you could drink some prune juice or something. I don’t know who taught you that stuff, but it looks kind of silly. You know what I’m saying?
Hans: All right, put it out…Go! [Seagal holds out the little finger on his right hand; Hans and Franz proceed to push on it but can’t budge it an inch] All right—Push, Franz!
Franz: I am pushing, Hans! But Steven’s baby finger is too strong!!
Hans: It’s a Super-Baby-Finger!! [They stop to catch their wind] I’m very impressed, Mr. Seagal; maybe we misjudged you.
Franz: Ja, maybe you’re not a girlie-man after all, Mr. Seagal.
Steven Seagal: Sure thing; anytime, fellas…Just try and remember the Zen of things, okay? Have a nice one.
Franz: Ah—certainly, Mr. Seagal. Good day. [Seagal departs]
Hans: You know, Franz, Steven’s pinkie has taught us a great lesson.
Franz: Ja, maybe there would be a better way to pummel a girlie-man than muscle against flab.
Hans: Fist against poop-filled diaper.
Franz: Are you thinking what I’m thinking…?
[Segue into the “Pumping Up” opening sequence, but with the life-size cutouts of Arnold Schwarzenegger replaced by those of Steven Seagal. Moreover, Hans and Franz both wear ponytails and black leather jackets;
they also talk in Seagal-like monotones]
Together: Welcome. We’re back.
Hans: Once again, I’m Hans.
Franz: Ja, and I’m Franz.
Togeter: And we just want to pump… [They lightly bring the tips of their pinkies together]…you up.
[Segue back to the “Pumping Up” set as we know it, with the life-size Arnold Schwarzenegger cutouts]
Hans: …On second thought, I would hate to use just my pinkie and not the rest of these god-like muscles!
Franz: …Ja! Me too, exactly! Mind over matter is great, but let’s not forget muscle over matter!
[They flex some more, then…]
Together: Live from New York, it’s Saturday… [They
Submitted by: Patrick Jackson