Pumping Up With Hans & Franz Hans.....Dana Carvey Franz.....Kevin Nealon Himself.....Steven Seagal Announcer: Good evening, and welcome again to "Pumping Up With Hanz & Franz", the informative training program for the serious weightlifter. Together: Welcome! We're back! Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans... Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to... Together: pump... [They clap]...you up! Hans: Alright. Franz: Alright, first of all, let’s clear something up. You know, many people have accused us of being involved with steroids. Hans: Ja. They are right! But let me explain—to us, those steroids are something different! Franz: Ja. They are the people who stop on the street and stare at our amazing pumpitude! Hans: Hence, we call them Steroids! Franz: Alright. Enough talk. We're not here to talk. We're here to... Together: pump... [They clap]...you up! Franz: You know, the big news this summer is, our cousin Arnold is coming out with a new blockbuster action movie. Doesn’t surprise us. Hans: Ja. You know, Arnold is sure to beat out all the competition from these other second-rate action-movie stars! Franz: ie, Sylvester Stallone, Rambo, Rocky…You know, all those guys! Hans: That's right, you know—Charles Bronson Pinchot, all of them! You know, it’s a laugh to even compare them to Arnold! Look at me, Franz; I am laughing! Franz: Ja! So am I, Hans! [They laugh on, oblivious to the presence of Steven Seagal who has just walked up behind them and simply stands there] Hans: Ja, we are laughing—And what about this guy, Steven Seagal? Franz: Ja! Hear me now and believe me later…Arnold could easily rip Steven Seagal’s skinny little arms off and use them as dental floss! Hans: Ja, unwaxed! [They mime flossing their teeth, then suddenly notice Seagal for the first time] Mr. Seagal! I didn’t see you! Steven Seagal: I couldn’t help overhearing what you guys were saying, you know… Hans: Oh, you’re so quiet; how long were you back there? We were just talking… Steven Seagal: Look, fellas—let’s not confuse the issue here. I don’t wanna compare myself to these other stars; they’re great and everything like that. But what I do is unique…You see, I follow—Zen. Hans: Oh, we know Zen. First we lift a barbell… Franz: …Zen we lift another… Hans: …Zen another… Franz: …Zen another…and Zen another… Hans: ...And Zen another… Franz: …And Zen we are done. Steven Seagal: Nah, I don’t think you guys understand what I’m talking about; maybe I could demonstrate. I’d like to hold my little finger out and let you guys push on it. Franz: Ah—Well, before you make this rash decision, maybe you should see what you’re up against. Hans: Ja. Take a look, Steven… [Hans and Franz flex their muscles superiorly, although Seagal seems impressed] Hans & Franz: [adlibs of “Now what do you think about that?”] Steven Seagal: Looks to me like you guys are, like, really constipated; maybe you could drink some prune juice or something. I don’t know who taught you that stuff, but it looks kind of silly. You know what I’m saying? Hans: All right, put it out…Go! [Seagal holds out the little finger on his right hand; Hans and Franz proceed to push on it but can’t budge it an inch] All right—Push, Franz! Franz: I am pushing, Hans! But Steven’s baby finger is too strong!! Hans: It’s a Super-Baby-Finger!! [They stop to catch their wind] I’m very impressed, Mr. Seagal; maybe we misjudged you. Franz: Ja, maybe you’re not a girlie-man after all, Mr. Seagal. Steven Seagal: Sure thing; anytime, fellas…Just try and remember the Zen of things, okay? Have a nice one. Franz: Ah—certainly, Mr. Seagal. Good day. [Seagal departs] Hans: You know, Franz, Steven’s pinkie has taught us a great lesson. Franz: Ja, maybe there would be a better way to pummel a girlie-man than muscle against flab. Hans: Fist against poop-filled diaper. Franz: Are you thinking what I’m thinking…? [Segue into the “Pumping Up” opening sequence, but with the life-size cutouts of Arnold Schwarzenegger replaced by those of Steven Seagal. Moreover, Hans and Franz both wear ponytails and black leather jackets; they also talk in Seagal-like monotones] Together: Welcome. We’re back. Hans: Once again, I’m Hans. Franz: Ja, and I’m Franz. Togeter: And we just want to pump… [They lightly bring the tips of their pinkies together]…you up. [Segue back to the “Pumping Up” set as we know it, with the life-size Arnold Schwarzenegger cutouts] Hans: …On second thought, I would hate to use just my pinkie and not the rest of these god-like muscles! Franz: …Ja! Me too, exactly! Mind over matter is great, but let’s not forget muscle over matter! [They flex some more, then…] Together: Live from New York, it’s Saturday… [They clap]…Night! Submitted by: Patrick Jackson SNL Transcripts