The Dark Side with Nat X Nat X.....Chris Rock Andrew Dice Clay.....Steven Seagal Sandman.....Chris Farley Announcer: Live, from Compton, California—It's "The Dark Side With Nat X". The only show on TV written by a brother, produced by a brother, and strictly for the brothers! Now, get ready for a man who’s so black, he’s worth his weight in oil—step back, 'cause here comes Nat! Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters! I’m Nat X and welcome to the Dark Side, the only 15-minute show on TV! Why only 15 minutes? Because if the man gave me anything less, it would be a commercial! I think we all know who the man is! I’m talking about the same man who calls a white mouse a pet and feeds it cheese, and calls a black mouse a rat and tries to kill it! I’m talking about the same man who invented the game of pool: a game in which the player uses a white ball and a stick to knock a bunch of colored balls off a table and into a bunch of holes! Alright, y'all. It's about time for Viewer Mail! Sandman! Come on out here and read me a letter! [Sandman the Clown enters and takes a seat] Sandman: Tonight’s letter—“Dear Nat, you seem like a very tense man. What do you do to relax?” Nat X: Well, I like to go bowling. There’s nothing like taking that big black ball and knocking it into those ten white pins with the red necks! [Suddenly camera zooms in on Nat, with siren sound effects] Oh, no! Here it come! There go the White-Man Cam! Get outta here! Get outta here!! [Graphic image of jail bars appear in front of Nat, as he mimes being in prison] That’s how you want me! But you’re not gonna get me! That’s what you wanna see! That’s what you wanna see!! The White-Man Cam! You know, I haven't had that much fun since Aunt Jemima took that rag off her head! And now it’s time for the Top Five List! Why five? Because ten would make the man loose sleep! Tonight: The Top Five Reasons the L.A. Cops Beat Up Rodney King. Reason #5: They hate paperwork. Reason #4: They thought he was Mexican. Reason #3: They were trying to impress Jodie Foster. Reason #2: They were upset over the portrayal of white people on “In Living Color.” And the #1 Reason the L.A. Cops Beat up Rodney King: They just saw “New Jack City.” And that's the Top Five! Our first guest tonight is one of the most controversial comedians in the country. Please welcome Andrew Dice Clay! [Dice enters set] Dice: It’s a beautiful thang! Nat X: Sit yo white ass down. [Dice takes a seat] Dice: How ya doin’ Nat. It’s great to be on your show here. Nat X: Glad you could make it, Mister Dice! I understand you got a lot of free time on your hands since “Adventures of Ford Fairlaine.” Dice: What are you talkin’ about? “Ford Fairlaine” was one of the greatest movies ever made! And I kick any [expletives deleted] you could name that didn’t make that kinda money! Nat X: [holds up a VHS copy] Well, I’m not sayin’ it was a bomb, but last week the Ku Klux Klan tied one of these under my car! Dice: It wasn’t my fault; it was the critics, ya know! They’re just a bunch of over-[more expletives deleted] Nat X: So what’s next for you? You got a movie comin’ out this summer? How about next summer? Dice: Nah, but I’m amazin’ anyway!! Nat X: Okay, Cracker Boy, I got a nursery rhyme for you: “There once was a whitey named Dice, Who looked like Fonzie on steroids…blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah, my big black foot in yo ass!” [Close music starts up] Nat X: Wow! I guess our 15 minutes is up! Check us out next week, with Stupid White People Tricks. Peace! Submitted by: Patrick Jackson SNL Transcripts