Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 18




90r: Steven Seagal / Michael Bolton

Nico Tenelli

Nico Tenelli.....Steven Seagal
Richmeister.....Rob Schneider
Police Chief.....Phil Hartman
Police Officer #1.....Julia Sweeney
Police Officer #2.....Chris Farley

[focus on a detectiveís office]

Police Chief: Tenelli, Iíve had about all I can stand of your kind of police work. Improper searches, beatings, suspects, ever heard of a little thing called the Bill of Rights? Now Iíve got the ACLU up my behind and the DA has to throw out these indictments! [slams paper on desk]

Nico Tenelli: I caught these two guys with three kilos of cocaine, what do you think they were doing with it, making chalk for girlsí softball games?

Police Chief: Nico, as long as Iím running this department, everybody has civil rights, including drug dealers. And just to make sure you get the picture, Tenelli, Iím taking you off the streets. I want your badge and I want your gun. Weíll see how tough you are sitting behind a typewriter. [Tenelli hands over his badge] Is that clear? [Tenelli hands over his gun]

Nico Tenelli: Yeah, itís clear. [leaves the office]

Police Officer #1: Welcome to the trenches, Nico. [hands him a paper]

Nico Tenelli: What you want me to do with this?

Police Officer #1: Make three copies, file one, send two to headquarters.

Nico Tenelli: Let me see your headÖ [strokes her hair and heads toward the door to the copy room]

Police Officer #2: Well, a little less action than youíre used to, huh Nico?

Nico Tenelli: Yeah. [shoves him to the ground and enters the copy room, where he begins to make copies]

Richmeister: Nico! Nico Tenelli, the Tenellimeister, all right! Detective Tenelli, makiní copies, the Tenellinator!

Nico Tenelli: Hey Rich.

Richmeister: Tenellitola! The guy who breaks the rules, the rule breakster!

Nico Tenelli: Yeah, Iím just trying to make a couple copies, now let meÖ

Richmeister: Nico Nicopolis!

Nico Tenelli: Do me a favor, shut up, all right?

Richmeister: Nico, the lone wolf! El lobo solo!

Nico Tenelli: Iím not in the mood for this, you know?

Richmeister: All right, Nico. Not in the mood! Bad moon for the Niguana!

Nico Tenelli: Listen to me, Iím serious, I think youíd better shut up now, you know what Iím saying?

Richmeister: [singing in an operatic tone] Nickski!

Nico Tenelli: [walking Richmeister to copy machine] Come here, man, come here, I just want to show you what Iím thinkingÖ [shoves Richmeister into copy machine, knocking it over]

Richmeister: Oh no, the Richmeister, thrown through the copy machine! Possible concussion for the Rich-Man! [Tenelli shoves him again] Nico, losing control! [Tenelli hangs Richmeister outside of the window by his ankles] All right!

Nico Tenelli: Now, listen to meÖ

Richmeister: Nico, got me by my ankles! The anklemeister!

Nico Tenelli: Listen to me carefully. I donít want you to talk about anything to me anymore, I donít want you to say my name anymore, you hear me?

Richmeister: Everythingís upside down! Topsy turvy world for the Rich-Man! [Tenelli brings Richmeister back into the copy room]

Nico Tenelli: I donít want you to talk to me no more, you got it?

Richmeister: All right! Nico, coolest cop on the force, hanginí out with the Rich-Man! Nico!


Submitted by: Johnny Lurg


SNL Transcripts




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