Daily Affirmation With Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley.....Al Franken
.....Michael Jordan



Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.

Announcer: "Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley". Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.

[ open on Stuart giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror ]

Stuart Smalley: I'm going to do a terrific show today! And I'm gonna help people! Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!

[ turns to camera ]

Hello, I'm Stuart Smalley! Well, I'm still receiving some negative reaction from my show on Pee Wee Herman, titled, "There But For The Grace Of God Go I", and, I have to admit, it's not my best show.. but that's o-kay. I have to give myself permission to do a bad show every now and then. Okay.. for those of you who watch the show regularly, you know that I don't have guests, I always do the show alone.. and that's.. o-kay. But yesterday, my producer said, "Stuart, I can get you a guest that you would be insane not to have on the show." So I decided to take a risk - in life, you have to take risks - and, today we have a guest.. [ reveal Michael Jordan sitting next to Stuart ] ..and his name is Michael J. - I'll protect your anonymity. Michael is a basketball player for a professional basketball team. Well, that's very good, Michael, you should be very proud of yourself.

Michael Jordan: Well, thank you, Stuart. I am.

Stuart Smalley: Well, good for you! Good for you! Um, Michael.. I know there must be a lot of pressure for you to play very well, and I can imagine that the night before a game, you must lie awake thinking, "I'm not good enough.. everybody's better than me.. I'm not going to score any points.. I have no business playing this game.."

Michael Jordan: Well.. not really.

Stuart Smalley: Michael, denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Michael Jordan: Well.. I do sometimes get a little nervous before important basketball games.

Stuart Smalley: I thought so. And that's.. o-kay. You're not alone. Believe me, I know what it's like.. laying there alone.. all those tapes rolling: "I'm a fraud.. tomorrow, I'm going to be exposed for what I am, a big imposter.. I just want to curl up and lay in bed all day and eat Fig Newtons."

Michael Jordan: Well.. something like that.

Stuart Smalley: Right. Well, Michael, those negative thoughts are your critical inner thoughts saying those things to you, and I want you to replace those negative thoughts with someting positive - a daily affirmation.

Michael Jordan: Affirmation?

Stuart Smalley: Yes. Now, look in the mirror. Come on, don't look at me. Only you can help you. [ Michael faces the mirror ] That's it. Say, "Hello, Michael."

Michael Jordan: [ trying to suppress his laughter ] "Hello, Michael."

Stuart Smalley: "I don't have to be a great basketball player.."

Michael Jordan: "I don't have to be a great basketball player.."

Stuart Smalley: "I don't have to dribble the ball fast, or throw the ball into the basket.."

Michael Jordan: "I don't have to dribble the ball fast, or throw the ball into the basket.."

Stuart Smalley: "Because all I have to do is be the best Michael I can be."

Michael Jordan: "All I have to do is be the best Michael I can be."

Stuart Smalley: "Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!"

Michael Jordan: "Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me!"

Stuart Smalley: Now, don't you feel better?

Michael Jordan: Well, I never really felt bad!

Stuart Smalley: Michael..

Michael Jordan: No, it's true. Stuart, I guess pretty much of the time, I'm a very happy person. I mean, I'm a blessed person - God gave me the talent to play basketball, and I have been able to spread some of that talent, and some of that good feeling, towards everybody, to inspire other people, and help people achieve their dreams.

Stuart Smalley: [ glum ] I am just a fool.. I.. I don't know what I'm doing.. they're gonna cancel the show.. I'm gonna die homeless and penniless and twenty pounds overweight.. and no one will ever love me..

Michael Jordan: Stuart, that's just not true. I think what you say on your show can be very helpful to people.

Stuart Smalley: You think so?

Michael Jordan: Yes! Definitely! I just don't think it helps beating yourself up that way.

Stuart Smalley: You're right. It's just stinking thinking.

Michael Jordan: And, after all, this show is your dream. It's a good dream! You deserve to have dreams come true! [ Stuart nods ] Feel better? Would you like a hug?

[ Stuart and Michael hug ]

Stuart Smalley: Thank you, Michael.

Michael Jordan: Thank you, Stuart!

Stuart Smalley: You know what? I think this is the best show I've ever done. And you know what? I deserve it! [ turns to his mirror ] Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me!


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