Clarence Thomas Hearings

Sen. Joseph Biden.....Kevin Nealon
Anita Hill.....Ellen Cleghorne
Judge Clarence Thomas.....Tim Meadows
Sen. Edward Kennedy.....Phil Hartman
Sen. Howell Heflin.....Chris Farley
Sen. Strom Thurmond.....Dana Carvey
Sen. Paul Simon.....Al Franken
Long Dong Silver.....Chris Rock



[ open on interior, Capitol Hill, night ]

Sen. Joseph Biden: [ banging gavel ] Gentlemen! Gentlemen, please! Please! Professor Hill, I want to thank you for your.. patience here today. You've shown remarkable courage throughout your testimony. It couldn't have been easy for you - or any of us - to sit here for the last seven hours and talk about penis size, or large-breasted women having sex with animals, or pubic hairs on soft drink cans, or oral sex, or the black man's sexual prowess, or large-breasted women having sex with animals. But we appreciate your candor. [ rest of committee shake their heads and smile ] And we, uh.. hope we can reschedule you for another session tomorrow.

Anita Hill: Thank you, Senator. [ stands up to leave, bumps into next witness, Judge Clarence Thomas, and quickly walks away from him ]

Sen. Joseph Biden: The committee, at this time, would like to call Judge Clarence Thomas. Judge Thomas? [ Judge Clarence Thomas sits ] Judge Thomas, we're sorry to have to bring you back, but, as you know, some pretty serious allegations have been made by our previous witness.

Judge Clarence Thomas: First of all, I want to say that these proceedings are a travesty!

Sen. Joseph Biden: Mmm-hmm. Well, I understand that. But you did ask Ms. Hill out on a date?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Uh.. yes, I did.

[ the committee whisper amongst themselves at the revealing testimony ]

Sen. Joseph Biden: And she refused?

Judge Clarence Thomas: That's correct.

Sen. Joseph Biden: How did you go about asking her out for this date?

Judge Clarence Thomas: I'm not sure what you mean, Senator.

Sen. Joseph Biden: Well.. did you just go right up and ask her? Or did you have one of her friends tell her that you thought she was cute?

Judge Clarence Thomas: I just walked right up and asked her.

[ the committee whisper amongst themselves ]

Sen. Edward Kennedy: Were you, uh.. were you drunk at the time?

Judge Clarence Thomas: No, I was not.

Sen. Joseph Biden: But she wouldn't go out with you?

Judge Clarence Thomas: No.

Sen. Joseph Biden: Was she aware that, as her boss, you could have her fired?

Judge Clarence Thomas: She must have been.

[ the committee members gasp at the shocking statement ]

Sen. Joseph Biden: And she still didn't go out with you? [ Thomas nods no ] Now, Judge Thomas, there have been charges by Professor Hill that you talked casually with her about graphic scenes in porno movies. Is that true?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Yes, it is.

Sen. Joseph Biden: And.. did that work? Did it break the ice?

Judge Clarence Thomas: No, Senator, it actually offended her.

[ the committee is surprised the tactic didn't work ]

Sen. Howell Heflin: Uh.. what porno movie did you talk about?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Well.. I mainly spoke about a favorite of mine, called "The Hind-Lick Manuever".

Sen. Howell Heflin: That's a good movie, Judge! But do you think hard-core porno is the way to go? Because I feel women prefer softer porn.

Sen. Joseph Biden: Senator Thurmond?

Sen. Strom Thurmond: I agree with Senator Heflin. Yeah, that's right! The women like something with more stories and costumes, that'll transport 'em to another place and time. That's right! Women don't like close-ups of oversized genitalia! That's just never gonna turn 'em on!

[ committee agrees ]

Sen. Edward Kennedy: A, uh.. another good thing is to get them out on your boat for some reason, because, uh.. because then it's really hard for them to get away.

Sen. Joseph Biden: Do you have a question, Senator Kennedy?

Sen. Edward Kennedy: Uh, yes, I do. Have you ever tried coming out of the bathroom nude, and acting like you didn't know someone was there?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Uh.. no.

Sen. Edward Kennedy: Well, that's too bad. Because that works, too.

Sen. Paul Simon: Um.. Judge? Judge Thomas? Judge Thomas, are you aware of that, uh.. division of our.. government.. known as the, uh.. Criminal Justice, uh.. Department?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Of course I am, Senator!

Sen. Paul Simon: Well, you know when you walk in the main entrance of the Criminal Justice Building.. there's this receptionist with short brown hair?

Judge Clarence Thomas: The, uh.. one at the third desk on the left?

Sen. Paul Simon: No, no. The one at the big, circular desk, uh.. right there in the center there.

Judge Clarence Thomas: Oh, yes - Sandy.

Sen. Paul Simon: Yes. Sandy. Um.. do you think that she'd go out with me?

Judge Clarence Thomas: Well, Senator Simon, not knowing your technique, I feel that it would be unfair for me to prejudge your chances with her.

Sen. Paul Simon: Uh-huh. Uh.. you think it's the bow tie, then?

Sen. Joseph Biden: Senator Simon. Please.

Sen. Paul Simon: Women just don't seem to like the bow tie, do they?

Sen. Joseph Biden: Senator Simon. Please!

Sen. Paul Simon: Uh, sorry. Sorry.

Sen. Joseph Biden: Judge Thomas, I'd like to thank you for your testimony. You've been very forthcoming, and, may I say, it's been an education.

Judge Clarence Thomas: Thank you, Senator. [ stands up and exits ]

Sen. Joseph Biden: The committee calls its next witness. [ black man walks up ] Sir, would you please state your name?

Long Dong Silver: Long Dong Silver.

[ committee members smile and shake their heads ]

Sen. Joseph Biden: Mr. Silver, we apologize for calling you back one more time.. but many of us on the committee are admirers of your work, and.. well, frankly, we could just listen to you all day. Now, we understand you have a statement?

Long Dong Silver: Uh, yes. I do. "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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