Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 4

91d: Christian Slater / Bonnie Raitt

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

HansÖ Dana Carvey
FranzÖ Kevin Nealon
Ö Arnold Schwarzenegger

[Yodeling music plays]

Announcer: Good evening and welcome again to Pumping Up with Hans and Franz, the informative training program for the serious weight lifter.

Hans and Franz: Alright welcome, weíre back.

Hans: Once again I am Hans.

Franz: Yah and I am Franz.

Both: And we are here to pump you up.

Franz: You know let me tell you something. Many of you are wondering where have we been?

Hans: Yeah thatís right. We spent most of the summer in movie theaters intensely screening the Earthís most important cultural event.

Both: Terminator 2.

Franz: Yah thatís right, starring the worldís most popular movie star.

Hans: Yah which happens to be our cousin, perhaps youíve heard of him.

Both: Arnold Schwartzaneggar.

Franz: Alright, alright. After crushing the movie industry, cousin Arnold went on a fifty state tour sponsored by president Bush.

Hans: Thatís right. As you know, cousin Arnold was put in charge of the presidentís counsel on physical pupitude.

Franz: Thatís right, no better person. Arnoldís dream is to create a flabless utopia, but alas the girly man has a formidable opponent.

Hans: Thatís right, but hear me now and believe me later, we can easily crush girly men like grapes.

Franz: Thatís right, and make a nice dry white wine-

Both: Savajon girls.

Hans: Thatís right. And if you were ever alive, weíd be rippled.

Franz: Yah thatís right, yah nice ripple. So you know we followed Arnold from state

to state to lend a helping muscle.

Hans: Yah take a look at this.

Franz: Yah.

[Video begins]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: [addressing group of kids] The next exercise is for the upper body to get you really strong, some push ups ok. Now for that, weíre gonna have my cousins come out and show you how to do it the proper way, ok. Come on, Hans and Franz, here they are.

[Hans and Franz walk in, greet Arnold]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ok guys go ahead with the program, show them now.

Franz: Ok cousin Arnold, you know, but first Iíd like to say kids, do not be alarmed by our stunning musculature.

Hans: Yah we know youíre tiny children brains canít possibly comprehend the muscles so large, the arms to strong, our bodies so firm.

Franz: Yah thatís right. We know youíre traumatized right now by the site of us, but believe me, our muscles do not bite.

Hans: Thatís right, we put on our weight belt the same way you do.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Ok guys, youíre not scaring anybody so letís get back, get back to the exercising, thatís what weíre doing here.

Franz: Yah I get it, child psychology.

Hans: Alright cousin Arnold.

Franz: Itís very important to know how to properly flex.

Hans: Yah letís go over some simple poses like this. [Hans and Franz pose] Try it.

[kids flex]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Guys hold on, hold it, there are more important things than posing.

Hans: Thatís right, thatís right, before you pose, itís very important to oil your body.

Franz: Thatís right, so you can accent your cuts and your muscle definition.

Hans: Yah.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Fellas come on, we have to learn here about how to exercise.

Franz: Yah, yah cousin itís all good to exercise, but sooner or later, theyíre gonna have to learn how to compete.

Hans: Thatís right. Ok now before you work out, itís very important to shave all your body hair.

Franz: Yah thatís right, we are completely hairless, believe me.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: No, no, no, no, no. Listen guys, this is not about competition, this is about exercising, listen fellas, hear me now and believe me later. What youíre doing here is youíre putting the carriage in front of the horse, thatís not what we want to do. If you continue on this way, Iím gonna twist your flab into the shape of a pacifier, and Iím gonna have you suck on it until you poop your diapers, huh? How about that?

Franz: Weíre sorry cousin Arnold.

Hans: Yah, yah weíre sorry.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Yah youíre sure sorry, youíre real losers. You guys are the losers, I mean youíre wastes.

Hans: Yah alright, now can we please do the finale?

Franz: Please?

Hans: Please?

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Alright. Hans: Thank you, alright. [drum music plays, Hans and Franz flex their fake muscles, then Arnold flexes his real muscles, stunning the kids. Video ends]

Franz: Alright, yah, that was beautiful.

Hans: Muscles perfectly firm. You know I love the way those pictorials were just dancing the night away.

Franz: Thatís right. Alright kids, one more lesson. [Hans and Franz each display 2 eggs] These are your muscles.

Hans: Yah and these are your muscles on steroids. [both smash eggs]

Both: Yah, any questions? [pause] Alright.

Franz: Until next time, he is Hans-

Hans: And he is Franz-

Both: And we just want to pump you up! [theme music plays]

Announcer: This has been Pumping Up with Hans and Franz.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

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