Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 4




91d: Christian Slater / Bonnie Raitt

The McLaughlin Group

John McLaughlin… Dana Carvey
Real John Mclaughlin… Himself
Pat Buchanan… Phil Hartman
Morton Kondracke… Kevin Nealon
Jack Germond… Chris Farley
Fred Barnes… Mike Myers

[Theme music]

Announcer: From the nation’s capital, “The McLaughlin Group”, special Halloween edition. With panelists Jack Germond [wearing skeleton costume], Pat Buchanan [wearing devil costume], Fred Barnes [wearing ghost costume] and Morton Kondracke [dressed as Spiderman]. Now here’s the moderator, John McLaughlin [wearing grim reeper costume].

John McLaughlin: Issue 1: The Mideast Peace Conference, trick or treat? Will the Israeli’s cooperate or does the Palestinian delegation have them spooked. Pat Buchanan.

Pat Buchanan: Well I think Israel is justifiably-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Ghost of Fred Barnes!

Fred Barnes: I don’t think a withdrawal-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Mortone.

Morton Kondracke: Well the Palestinians are-

John McLaughlin: Not scary enough. Jack-o-lantern Germond.

Jack Germond: John I’d really prefer-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! The correct answer is the Middle East peace talks will be ghoulishly successful. Issue 2! A little girl was gathering wood in the forest, while her step-mother who was suddenly astormed began to brew. [lights dim] The girl took refuge in a nearby abandoned mansion. Who was lurking in the cobwebs I ask you, Mortone! [flashes flashlight at Kondracke]

Morton Kondracke: Uh a grave robber?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Flap-a-jack-a-Germondo!

Jack Germond: I don’t know, a big bad wolf?

John McLaughlin: Wrong! You’re getting cold not warm. Fred Barnes- Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: Aaaaah!

John McLaughlin: Were you scared Pat?

Pat Buchanan: Of course I’m not.

John McLaughlin: Wrong! You wish you were never born! Next issue! Close your eyes. Issue 3: Is this cold spaghetti or a human brain? [displays plate of spaghetti] Jack Germond!

Jack Germond: I’m not gonna play it.

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Pat Buchanan, guess if you dare. [Buchanan shakes his head] Come on Mortone I know you’ll try.

Morton Kondracke: Well I’m gonna have to say it feels like spaghetti.

John McLaughlin: Wrong, the correct answer is: ha ha ha ha ha ha! Next issue! [turns on flashlight below his head] The corpse of Hubert Humphrey will rise from the grave ere this night is out, agree or disagree? Pat Buchanan!

Pat Buchanan: John can we please just-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Freddy Kreuger!

Fred Barnes: Well it’s Fred Barnes-

John McLaughlin: Wrong! Jack Germoooooooooooondo, [high pitched voice] Jack Germooooooooondo.

Jack Germond: You know I really have no opinion on-

John McLaughlin: Maybe this will help you. [tosses black cat onto Germond, Germond scared as cat purrs]

John McLaughlin: How about you, Mor-tony Baloney.

Morton Kondracke: Well Senator Humphrey has been dead for over 15 years, so if there were a living corpse, I would think the Democrats would be no interest in… John, why are you letting me talk so long? John? John? [scary music plays, McLaughlin appears dead] Voice in Background: Hoo hoo hoo, ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

[The real actual John McLaughlin walks in dressed as Grim Reeper, removes hood, pushing fake McLaughlin out of his chair, and real McLaughlin takes his seat]

Real John McLaughlin: Sorry the teasing was starting to get to me so I had to take action. Issue. Our unified Europe, good for them, how about us? Boon or bean? Freddy Barnes and Noble?

Fred Barnes: Well I think we depend far too much on-

Real John McLaughlin: Wrong. Patty cake patty cake, bakers Buchanan.

Pat Buchanan: Europe ought to be concerned that-

Real John McLaughlin: Wrong! More Tony Bennett, less Tony Martin!

Morton Kondracke: Well I would have to say-

Real John McLaughlin: Wrong! Jack Jack bo back, banana bana fo fack, fee fy fo mack Ja-ack!

Jack Germond: Alright you can start the show now you big ham.

Real John McLaughlin: It’ll be my pleasure. Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!


Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg


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