Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 4

91d: Christian Slater / Bonnie Raitt

Super Fire Hot Chicken Wings

Customer #2.....Christian Slater
Customer #1.....Victoria Jackson
Waitress.....Ellen Cleghorne
Waiter.....Rob Schneider
Manager.....Phil Hartman

Customer #1: So this place has the best wings in all of Buffalo huh?

Customer #2: Yea thatís what they say.

Customer #1: Iím hungry.

Waiter: Hey you guys ready?

Customer #2: Yea Iím ready- you ready honey?

Customer #1: Yep Iíll have half a dozen wings.

Waiter: Alright, and what kind of sauce do you want on that? Weíve got the mild, medium, medium hot, hot, super fire hot.

Customer #1: Iíll have the mild.

Waiter: And you?

Customer #2: Iíll have a dozen wings and Iíll take the super fire hot sauce.

Waiter: The super fire hot? Theyíre really hot.

Customer #2: Iíll give it a try.

Waiter: I mean theyíre really really hot.

Customer #2: I hear ya but let me give it a shot, alright?

Waiter: I just want you to understand that itís an incredibly hot sauce.

Waitress: Is there a problem?

Customer #2: Uh no, I just ordered the super fire hot wings.

Waitress: Have you had them before sir? Because theyíre really really hot.

Waiter: Thatís what Iíve been trying to explain to him.

Customer #2: Look I appreciate your concern but I really want the super fire hot sauce. Itís ok, really.

Waiter: Uh, weíll be right back.

Customer #1: That sauce must be really hot.

Customer #2: I guess so. How about the Braves huh?

Customer #1: [chuckles]

Manager: Hi Iím Ron Julian the manager, how you doin?

Customer #2: Good.

Manager: Good. I understand youíre interested in ordering the super fire hot wings.

Customer #2: Yes I am.

Manager: May I have a seat?

Customer #2: Sure.

Manager: I think you should realize these wings are really hot.

Customer #2: I know.

Manager: I mean theyíre really really hot.

Customer #2: Well thatís what Iíve been told. Thatís what the waiter there just told me.

Manager: Heís a good man.

Customer #2: Iím sure he is.

Manager: Can I possibly talk you into ordering the medium hot wings? I think youíll find them pretty tasty and still pretty hot.

Customer #1: You know honey, maybe you should just get the medium hot wings.

Customer #2: No no no no! Look, like I told the other guy, I appreciate your concern, but Iím gonna stick with my original order.

Manager: The super fire hot wings?

Customer #2: Yes, so if someone could please go get those for me, that would be great.

Manager: [looks at waiter] Alrighty Steve. Look why donít you let me give you the mild hot wings, and afterwards if you really feel that you want the super fire hot wings, I wonít stand in your way.

Customer #2: No!

Manager: Fair enough.

Waiter: [places wings on table] Enjoy your wings.

Customer #2: [tastes wing] Well jeez, not that bad. I donít know why theyíre makin such a big deal out of it.

Manager: How are the wings?

Customer #2: Theyíre good, Iím kinda surprised though, theyíre not as hot as I thought theyíd be.

Manager: Still theyíre pretty hot though huh?

Customer #2: Just I was expecting something really hot.

Manager: Well to be honest, I took the liberty of ordering you the medium hot wings. Now tell me, donít you find them more than spicy enough?

Customer #2: What?

Waitress: Hereís your coleslaw.

Manager: Itíll take the edge off the medium hot sauce.

Customer #2: I didnít order any coleslaw and I didnít order the medium hot wings. I ordered the super fire hot wings!

Manager: Sorry my apology. Kerry, would you bring the gentleman the super fire hot wings. Iím sorry I was just lookin out for you honestly. Itís important for me to know you really want the super fire hot wings, and now that I know I feel better about the whole thing.

Waitress: Here they are.

Customer #2: Thank you. [tastes wing, angered]

Manager: OK Iím sorry youíre right, I gave you the medium hot wings again. Iím really sorry.

Customer #2: What the hell is going on here?

Manager: Please donít be angry with me. Steven, would you bring the release forms please?

Waiter: [pointing on paper] Sign here, and here.

Customer #2: What is this huh? Just tell me where the super fire hot wings are and Iíll go get them myself.

Manager: Alright alright you win. Here they are.

Customer #2: [looks left, then right; screen freezes with scrolling message narrated by Phil Hartman, and surrendering music playing]

Message: As Scott Hanson bit into the chicken wing, his head turned a bright beet red and large amounts of smoke began to billow from his ears. Within seconds his eyes had become slot machine tumblers which spun around until both landed on the symbol for chili peppers. Next, bolting up from his chair and shouting Ďwoo-wooí, Scott chugged around the room like a locomotive finally shooting through the root of ĎRonís Wings Ní Thingsí and exploding high over the Buffalo night sky. In an ironic footnote to the story, the chicken wing Scott had was only a hot wing and not the super fire hot wing he had ordered.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

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