Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 5

91e: Kiefer Sutherland / Skid Row

I'm Chillin'

Onski.....Chris Rock
B- Fats.....Chris Farley
Man on phone.....Tim Meadows

Don Pardo: Live from the Marcy Projects, itís ĎIím Chilliní.

[Rock and Farley dance in to rap theme music]

Onski: Yo yo yo whatís up? Welcome to ĎIím Chilliní, the showsy showsy showsy with they hosy hosy hosy. Now Iím your host, Onski, to the highest degree, to the T. O. P., yo itís all about me. And sittin by my side, my main man, my ace in the hole, my New Jersey toll, my Ester roll, my ten foot pole, my Billy Joel, my Nat King Coe, my Dead Dea Scroll, my Dr. Scholl, my helmet cole, my grassy knoll, my kid Creole, my la ka scha fole- itís B- Fats. Yo B tell Ďem how you feel.

B-Fats: Yo I just came from taxin a ho. Now everything is mop and glow.

Onski: Yo I hear that man. Now before I start the shizzo- I say before I start the show, I wanna say whatís up to our new sponsor. Thatís right. I wanna say whatís up to 168th street spring water. The only spring water, I say the only spring water that comes directly from a fire hydrant. [Rock and Farley sip the water bottles]

B-Fats: Yo Onski I heard u think Sinbad is all that and a bag of chips.

Onski: Yo I think Sinbad is a genius man. I used to think he was soft right? Then he did that joke he does, about what part of the chicken does the chicken McNugget come from. I said Ďdamn he funnyí man. Heís talkin about real life man.

B-Fats: Yo heís funnier that Richard Prior.

Onski: Yo man I ainít sayin all that now. Yo itís about that time.

B-Fats: Time to bust a rhyme?

Onski: Naw B.

B-Fats: Time to suck a lime?

Onski: Naw B. Itís time for the mother joke of the day. Thatís right. Todayís mother joke was sent to us from Kelly B. of Gilmore Projects. The only project with its own mall right, and it goes a little somethin like this. Your mothersí so stupid that she tripped over a cordless phone. Yo Don Pardo tell em what she wins.

Don Psrdo: You win child support. Thatís right 3 weeks of child support. [Screen shows check that says Ďhere bitch! From babyís father]

Onski: Yo Don tell em what else she gonna win.

Don Pardo: You get a call from your babyís father. Thatís right we tracked him down. Youíll hear his voice for the first time in a year. Youíll hear him say things like:

Man [on phone]: Yo whatís up? You got that check?

Don Pardo: Hear him show genuine concern about the child.

Man [on phone]: I still donít think itís mine.

Don Pardo: Hear him try to rekindle that old romance.

Man [on phone]: Still got that big ass?

Don Pardo: And if you donít like that you can get the bullsac.

Onski: Yo yo yo Kelly Kelly, you got that big ass check and you got that big ass. Yo baby I wanna know one thing- how can I get down? Now right now weíre gonna watch a new video from Lady B called Ďyes but Iím a good hoí. [Beeper goes off] Yo yo thatís my beeper yo yo. We gotta check out till next week, cuz right now I gotta go pick up my babyís mother. Itís her birthday, weíre gonna have a special night. Weíre gonna have a little candlelight dinner down at Kentucky Fried Chicken you know, drink some champagne. Gonna go home and watch Homie the Clown.

B-Fats: Yo remember always wipe and stay off the pipe.

Onski: And if a sucker getís ill, tell them ĎIím chilliní.

[Theme music]

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts