Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 5





91e: Kiefer Sutherland / Skid Row

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

.....Kevin Nealon

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Kevin Nealon.

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Nealon, Kevin, and I’m a recovering dyslexic.

Well in Madrid the Mideast peace talks got off to a bad start this week when one of the delegates refused to shell out the 4 dollars for the headphones.

And another problem developed when Palestinian delegates complained that the Israelis were occupying their seats. In response the Israeli delegates claimed the seats had always belonged to them. A game of musical chairs will be held to settle the dispute.

[picture of Bush and Arab] President Bush is seen here greeting a tricker treater and then pointing him in the direction of a house that gives out Zakorski attack helicopters. Israel will not accept land for peace but will accept land for some really good concert tickets.

President Bush’s Kennebunkport neighbors complained to local police following an all night party in which George and Barbara trashed their house.

This week Louisiana gubernatoral candidate David Duke said that new poll results show him to be in the lead. To celebrate his supports held a fundraiser in New Orleans. [video of Nazi rally]

Researchers have theorized that young black men are best suited for long term space travel because of a genetic trait that gives them denser, stronger bones. It was later revealed that this theory was merely a hoax by white supremisis to encourage black men to leave the planet.

JC’s in Memphis have apologized for an exhibit in their annual haunted house exhibit entitled Dead Elvis. The exhibit, featuring a toilet, half eaten jelly donuts and empty pizza boxes has been renamed the Palm Beach Kennedy compound.

And for Halloween Ted Kennedy wore pants and went as a commoner.

Donald Trump’s mother was mugged for $14 this week. Police are looking for this suspect. [sketch of Donald Trump]

A 22,000 pound steel sculpture entitled Hammering Man was twisted and bent when it fell atop a crane that was hoisting it into the Seattle Art Museum this week. The sculpture will now be entitled "twisted and bent when it fell atop a crane that was hoisting a man."

More mysterious carved patterns and symbols showed up in a Minnesota wheat field. Experts theorized that these markings are the work of an alien sports fan.

Air traffic controllers at Chicago’s Ohare Airport reported hundreds on near mis-incidents recently, when anti-collision alarms on airlines malfunctioned. In an attempt to lessen these incidents, the FAA will require airliners to shorten their wings [picture of airplane with small wings].

An MIT study has concluded that more people die in crashes in planes with more passengers. For instance, in a plane carrying 220 people, 220 people would be killed. As opposed to a plane carrying 15 people where only 15 people would be killed.

A further study reveals your best chance of survival is to fly in an empty plane.

Mother nature has filed harassment charges against father time. She claims every 3 months or so he leaps on top of her while she’s changing seasons… that can happen.

27 people were injured this week after they were told to spring ahead and fall back.

Monoxidil, the hair growing drug sold under the name Rogaine is now being used as a mace substitute. You spray it in the face of the attacker, his eyebrows grow over his eyes, obstructing his vision. Unfortunately the FDA claims it must be used on the attacker religiously twice a day for 6 months in order to see any noticeable effects.

The restaurant Planet Hollywood has been opened in New York by co-owners Arnold Schwarteneggar and Sylvester Stallone. Appropriately the kitchen will specialize mussels, ham and large, slow speaking Italian vegetables.

Well I decided to read Katherine Hepburn’s #1 best seller ‘Me’ this week and unfortunately it’s horrible. She knows nothing about me, totally off, nice try.

According to a recent survey, 70% of this pie chart is yellow while the remaining 30% is blue. [shows pie chart]

On a bright note the 40,000 stolen video cassette copies of Disney’s Fantasia were recovered yesterday in Memphis. A Detroit based distributor was happy to have them back but said 15,000 of those tapes were not rewound.

Because of the success of Heraldo Rivera’s first book listing all the women he has slept with, he says he will write another. This time he says he will list all the women he has thought about while masturbating.

In an upcoming Vanity Fair issue Bette Midler said Heraldo drugged and molested her. Mr. Rivera called these accusations preposterous. True, but preposterous. After all the recent negative criticism, Dr. Kavorkian’s infamous suicide machine killed itself this week. In addition the suicide manual ‘Final Exit’ jumped off the bookshelf and plunged to its’ death.

Stanford University hospital surgeons last week removed a 303 pound cyst from a 34 year old woman. The woman is doing fine and went home yesterday. The cyst is recovering and will go home sometime next week.

[picture of sexy Calvin Klein ad] This ad for Calvin Klein jeans has drawn much critical response from media watchers, consumer groups and concerned citizens. After reading all the mail, I promise I won’t pose for another one.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.


Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg


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