Massive Headwound Harry

Wife.....Linda Hamilton
Husband.....Kevin Nealon
Massive Headwound Harry....Dana Carvey
Partygoer #1.....Chris Farley
Partygoer #2.....Phil Hartman
Partygoer #3.....Siobhan Fallon



Wife: Oh, honey, this is a great party!

Husband: So far.. but I've got some.. bad news..

Wife: [ worried ] What do you mean?

Husband: [ sighs ] Well.. I had to invite somebody, and, uh.. I don't think you're gonna be very happy about it..

Wife: Oh, no.. Who?

Husband: Massive Headwound Harry.

Announcer: Welcome once again to "Massive Headwound Harry". Tonight's episode: "The Cocktail Party".

[ doorbell rings - it's Harry ]

Massive Headwound Harry: [ enters party, revealing a vicious, bloody gash on the side of his head ] Hey, great party! I'm sorry I'm late, I forgot where you lived!

Partygoer: [ turns and notices Harry's headwound ] Oh, my Goddd!! [ spits his food out in horror ]

Wife: That's okay, Harry..

Massive Headwound Harry: I feel dizzy.

Wife: Uh.. would you like to lay down? Maybe in the garage?

Massive Headwound Harry: No.. I just need some food to get my strength back.. I lost a lot of blood on the way over here. [ walks over to the hors-douvres table ]

Partygoer #2: [ not looking at Harry as he grabs shrimp ] Well, you've gotta try some of these shrimp, friend, they.. [ turns and notices Harry's headwound, dropping his shrimp to the floor and screaming ] Good Lord!

Massive Headwound Harry: Oh, I'm sorry, let me help you with that.. [ bends down, dropping his head into the bowl of shrimp, sending Partygoer #2 running to the bathroom ] I'd better go see if he's alright..

Wife: No, no, no! You stay here!

Massive Headwound Harry: Oh. No, yeah, I'm fine.. I've just gotta rest for a second.. [ sits on the couch ] You know, maybe I need to lie down.. [ curls up on the coach, rubbing his headwound across the arm of the couch, as all the guests scream in disgust ]

Wife: Why did you have to invite him?!

Husband: Sorry! He overheard me talking to Phil and Steve - what was I gonna do?!

[ the guests scream louder as the couple's dog starts to lick and chew on Harry's headwound ]

Massive Headwound Harry: Whoa, boy! Whoa! Easy, boy! Easy! [ the dog chews off a piece of the headwound ] He probably smells my dog!

[ disgusted, the roomful of guests quickly exit the apartment ]

Partygoer #3: [ with punch spilled across her blouse ] We really have to go! Ugh! Thanks for having us!

Wife: Yeah.. we understand..

Massive Headwound Harry: [ stands up ] I guess the party's over, thanks for having me! [ grabs a hat from the hat rack and places it over his head ]

Husband: No, no! That's not your hat!

Massive Headwound Harry: Oh. I'm sorry. [ removes the hat from his head ]

Husband: No, that's alright. You keep it.

Massive Headwound Harry: Thanks!

Announcer: This has been "Massive Headwound Harry". Next week's episode: "Borrowing the Headphones".


SNL Transcripts