Studio Alone

.....cast of "Saturday Night Live"
.....Lorne Michaels
.....Macauley Culkin

[ open on the cast eating pizza in the conference room ]

Victoria Jackson: Mmm.. this pizza is good.

Dana Carvey: Lorne, the pizza boy needs, uh.. $122.50, plus tips.

Lorne Michaels: For pizza?

Dana Carvey: Lorne, we've got 17 people in the cast.

Lorne Michaels: I know. But for pizza?

Macauley Culkin: [ walking forward ] Did anybody order me a plain cheese?

Chris Farley: Yeah, we did. But if you want any, someone's gonna have to barf it up, 'cause it's all gone!

[ David Spade strolls past and begins to grab an armful of Pepsi cans ]

Lorne Michaels: Spade! Go easy on those Pepsis.

Chris Farley: [ sticking his finger in his throat in front of Macauley ] Macauley, Macauley! Get a plate! Get a plate!

[ angry, Macauley opens a can of soda, splashing the liquid in Farley's face. He then pushes Farley into Phil Hartman, causing Farley to stumble onto the table and send it collapsing to the floor. ]

Lorne Michaels: What is the matter with you?!

Macauley Culkin: He started it! He ate my pizza on purpose!

Phil Hartman: [ showing the Pepsi stains on his shirt ] Look what you did, you little jerk!

Lorne Michaels: Macauley, get to your dressing room, right now!

Macauley Culkin: Why?

David Spade: Macauley, you're such a disease!

Macauley Culkin: Shut up!

David Spade: You!

Lorne Michaels: [ grabs Macauley's shoulders ] To your dressing room - let's go!

Macauley Culkin: Why am I getting treated like scum?

Lorne Michaels: You're a host. [ pushes Macauley into his dressing room ] Now, I want you to stay in your dressing room until the show starts.

Macauley Culkin: I'm sorry.

Lorne Michaels: Too late.

Macauley Culkin: Everyone in the show hates me!

David Spade: Then maybe you should aks your agent to book you on a different show.

Macauley Culkin: I don't want to host a different show! I want to do the show alone!

Lorne Michaels: I hope you don't mean that.

Macauley Culkin: I do!

Lorne Michaels: Then say it again, maybe it'll happen.

Macauley Culkin: I wish you'd all just disappear! I want to do the show alone!

Lorne Michaels: Well, I think you'd feel pretty sad if it was time for your monologue, and no one else was around. Think about it. [ exits ]

Macauley Culkin: [ angry, sits in front of his dressing room mirror ] I'll show them. "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

SNL Transcripts