Richmeister

Richmeister.....Rob Schneider
Randy.....Kevin Nealon
Steve.....Phil Hartman
Young Richmeister.....MaCauley Culkin
Sister Margaret.....Siobhan Fallon



[ Randy enters the Copy Room ]

Richmeister: Ran-dyyy! The Rand-man! Randatollah!

Randy: Hi, Richard. Just making some copies.

Richmeister: Alright! The Rand Old Opry, makin' copies!

Randy: It's nice to see you, too, Richard.

Richmeister: The Randster! Randomly selected for your listening pleasure!

Randy: That's a new one. I like that one.

Richmeister: Ran-dyy! Likin' the new one! The Great Randino-o-o-o!

Randy: Now, that one I've heard before. [ exits ]

Richmeister: The Randipulator. Doesn't realize how hard it is coming up with new names. The Complain-meister! [ Steve enters ] The Steve-inator!

Steve: Rich! The Richmeister!

Richmeister: Second Lieutenant Steve, of the 82nd Airborne Division!

Steve: [ laughing ] What??

Richmeister: Ste-e-eve!

Steve: Hey, Rich, I've got to ask you something. This has been bothering me for a long time.. I mean.. have you always been this way, you know, with the "Name Thing"? [ The Richmeister stares into space, wondering ] Rich? Where you going, buddy?

Richmeister: The Rich-man, about to have a flashback! El backo de flasho!

[ The Richmeister drifts off, as the scene fades into a flashback of his childhood, sitting at his desk in the back of the Catholic school classroom ]

Young Richmeister: Tim-my! The Tim-meister! Sharpenin' his pencil!

Timmy: [ sharpening his pencil ] Hey, Rich. I'm out of lead.

Young Richmeister: No lead for the Tim Man! Tim-o-rama!

Timmy: See ya, Rich. [ walks back to his desk ]

Young Richmeister: Ti-i-im! [ Cindy approaches the pencil sharpener ] Alright! Cindy! The Cindstress!

Cindy: Hi, Rich.

Young Richmeister: Cindereta Cindita! The Class Babe! Makin' her pencils sharp! Sharpatollah! [ Cindy returns to her desk, as Froggy approaches the pencil sharpener ] Froggy! The Frogginator! The Guy with the Warts!

Froggy: Leave me alone.

Young Richmeister: Frogman! The Guy Who Likes to Eat the Paste! Frog-o-rama!

Froggy: [ annoyed ] Shut.. up!

Young Richmeister: Froggy, gettin' mad! Froggarino!

[ Froggy returns to his desk ]

Sister Margaret: Now, Class, remember we were discussing the Battle of Bunker Hill. Now, it was George Washington's belief that if he could..

Young Richmeister: [ interrupting ] George! George of the Jungle!

Sister Margaret: [ angry ] Richard!

Young Richmeister: Baron George van Washeimer!

Sister Margaret: Okay, Richard Laymer, maybe you would like to tell us what George Washington beleived he could achieve at the Battle of Bunker Hill?

Young Richmeister: Alright! Sister Margaret, askin' me questions!

Sister Margaret: [ stern ] We're all waiting.

Young Richmeister: The Nunster! Nun-o-rama! Nu-u-un!

Sister Margaret: [ grabs a ruler and walks toward Richard's desk ] Give me your hand.

Young Richmeister: The Young Rich-man sincerely apologizes!

Sister Margaret: [ towering over Young Richmeister ] I said give me your hand!

Young Richmeister: Be assured, no more talkin' from the Rich-man! Promisita to the Nunnita! [ Young Richmeister realizes his fate is inevitable ] Oh, no! Disaster for the Rich-man! [ close-up of Young Richmeister's face as Sister Margaret swats his hand with the ruler ] Auugghhhh...!!

[ flashback fades back into the modern-day Richmeister, still screaming ]

Richmeister: ..Aauugghhhh..!!

Steve: Rich! Rich, it's alright! You're okay!

Richmeister: [ coming out of it ] Steve?!

Steve: Yeah, you were daydreaming.

Richmeister: [ dazed ] Steve-o?

Steve: Yeah. You were mumbling something about Baron von George Washheimer?

Richmeister: The Stevester!

Steve: [ quickly looks at his watch ] Oh, hey, Rich.. I got to go pick up my kid at St. Catherine's. [ darts out of the Copy Room ]

Richmeister: St Catherine's! [ remembers his flashback, and panics ] Ste-e-e-e-eve!!

[ zoom out to fade ]


SNL Transcripts