Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 8

91h: Hammer

Dick Clark Productions

Receptionist.....David Spade
Kenneth Hornaday..... Phil Hartman
Cleaning Lady.....Ellen Cleghorne
Kremlok.....Dana Carvey

[Screen reads ĎLos Angeles: The Offices of Dick Clark Productionsí]

Kenneth Hornaday: Hi, Iím here to see Mr. Clark.

Receptionist: And you are?

Kenneth Hornaday: Kenneth Hornaday.

Receptionist: Right and this is regardingÖ

Kenneth Hornaday: Yes Iím with Bradford Contracting, I have some blueprints of Dickís new bedroom and he wanted to take a look at em.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you have an appointment or youÖ

Kenneth Hornaday: Well no he just said to come by today.

Receptionist: Ok great if you could just have a seat.

Kenneth Hornaday: Well actually I have another meeting, you know how long-

Receptionist: You know heís so backed up, it might be a while, you understand, itís crazy today. Kenneth Hornaday: Really? But itís only 9 AM.

Receptionist: I know, if you could just have a seat.

Kenneth Hornaday: But youíve only been open for a minute.

Receptionist: I know, [speaking softer] if you could just have a seat, thanks. [Hornaday sits down] Eh eh eh eh eh, hi there, hi. [Hammer tries to walk into offices]

Hammer: Yeah Iím here to see Dick Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Hammer: Tell him itís Hammer.

Receptionist: Right, and this is regardingÖ

Hammer: Heís doin the American Music Awards and he wants me to be a part of it.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and he would know you because youÖ

Hammer: You know, Hammer, Hammer Time?

Receptionist: Hammer Time, is that a TV show or something? I donít reallyÖ

Hammer: Look Iím a rapper and actually Iím pretty well known. You know you might have heard my song. [starts to sing] Doom doom doom, bu du d- du canít touch this. Doom doom doom doom doom.

Receptionist: Iím sorry I donít really listen to much music, more of a reader. Iím sure youíre very gifted. If you could just have a seat. Can I just get your last name, Iím not sure Hammer would ring a bell.

Hammer: Look itís Hammer, you know, like Madonna!

Receptionist: Right and she is?...

Hammer: Your momma! Nevermind, forget it. [Hammer sits down]

Receptionist: Would you be a lamb and take your foot off that [pedestal]? Thanks. You know staring at me like that isnít gonna get you in any faster. [Hornaday eyes Hammer as if receptionist is psycho] [Spanish woman walks in]

Receptionist: Yes.

Cleaning Lady: Por favore, ciro traval cacina.

Receptionist: Eu steresÖ

Cleaning Lady: Magiama Rosa.

Receptionist: E es regardandoroÖ

Cleaning Lady: E es carncario cay come avala antubra.

Receptionist: Ci, ci, por favore tofo no sitro.

Cleaning Lady: Perche.

Receptionist: Tofo no citro, gracias. [Spanish woman sits down]

Kremlok: [enters, speaking in Alien voice] I must communicate with Earthling Richard Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Kremlok: Kremlock from Planet Orton 5.

Receptionist: Right and this is regardingÖ

Kremlok: The end of humanity.

Receptionist: And youíre on Earth because youÖ

Kremlok: Must tell Dick Clark to go on television airwaves to warn people of this planet of imminent doom and destruction.

Receptionist: Right, and you were referred to us byÖ

Kremlok: ĎMeglar the all knowingí. I must warn all humans that because of your warlike ways, you will be punished when a fleet of star cruisers representing-

Receptionist: Ok, shhh, shhh, got it, enough, thank you, too much. Iíll tell you what, Iím gonna put Ďregarding warlike waysí ok? And when you see him you can elaborate if you could just take a seat itíll be a minute.

Kremlok: This is urgent.

Receptionist: Well thereís 3 people in front of you, if you can work it out with them, fine, if not, just be patient, thanks. [Kremlock exits reception room]

Kenneth Hornaday: Hey is he [Kremlock] even here?

Receptionist: Iím sorry refresh me, you areÖ?

Kenneth Hornaday: Kenneth Hornaday!

Receptionist: Ok ok, if you could just be patient.

Hammer: [talking to Hornaday] I canít stand a little grunt like this, thinks heís running everything. I could just kill him.

Receptionist: Hmm, whispering about me isnít gonna get you in any faster. [Hammer gets up from his seat, angered]

Kenneth Hornaday: Please Hammer, donít hurt him.

[Kremlock re-enters with apron and hat from Weiner Hut]

Kremlok: [still talking like an alien] I have 2 chicago dogs to be delivered in person to human Dick Clark.

Receptionist: Uh huh, and you are?

Kremlok: Jeff from Weiner Hut.

Receptionist: Right, sorry Kremlock, I know itís you. Now you lost your place in line. If I were you, Iíd just sit and be patient, k? Nice hat. [Kremlock sits down]

Kremlok: [talking to Hammer] Sorry are you reading that [magazine]?

Hammer: No, go ahead.

Receptionist: [phone rings] Dick Clark Prouctions [pause] And you are?

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

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