Steve Martin's Monologue

.....Steve Martin

Steve Martin: Good evening, and welcome to "Saturday NightLive"! First of all, I want to wish you all a happy holiday - and I say happy holiday, because I mean it whether you celebrate Christmas, or Chanukah, or even some other weird astrology cult that you believe in but everyone else knows is hogwash.

I love being back here on the show, with a cast I love so much.. the regulars.. Kevin, Dana, Phil.. uh.. Victoria.. and the newer cast members.. Ramone.. Tina.. Frosty.. and Spunky. You know, a lot of hosts wouldn't bother learning the cast's names, but I think being a celebrity carries with it some responsibility. For example, when people come up to me in restaurants and say, "I can see that you're eating, but I was wondering if I could have your autograph for my eight-year-old on her birthday." I always grab the genitalia and pull down with a quick snap and release.. never with a slow, tight grip like some celebrities do.

You know, I've been doing a lot of interviews lately, because I've got a new movie coming out, and I think that one of the most commonly asked questions I get is, "Steve, do you have a lot of creative input into the movies you do?" Well, actually.. yes. For example, I have a movie coming out next Friday called "Father of the Bride". When the Disney studios called me up to aks me if I would be interested in doing "Father of the Bride", I said, "Well.. which role?" And they said, "Well, the bride." And I said, "What if we went the other way? What if I played the father?" And they said, "Hmm.. interesting." And then as I'm talking to them, I realized, if I play the father, I don't get to wear the white dress. So I say, "Do you think there's a place in the movie where I could wear the white dress? Say, at the wedding, or something like that?" And they say, "Well, really, the bride should wear the white dress.." And I say, "Could we both wear the white dress? Could we shoot it both ways?" And that's what we did, and they decided ultimately to go with me in the suit, and I think that was the right choice. But I do have a photo of the scene that was cut out, and I'd like you take a look at it, could you put that up, please?

[ show picture of Steve and the bride both wearing white dresses ]

I thought it worked, but, you know, they thinkthey're bigshots. Okay! We have a great show tonight, James Taylor is here, and we'll be right back!

SNL Transcripts