Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 9

91i: Steve Martin / James Taylor

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

.....Kevin Nealon

Kevin Nealon: Good evening I’m Kevin Kennedy Nealon and that’s a damnable lie. Our top story tonight. The Soviet Union is dead. In lieu of flowers, it’s asked that you send food and Levi 501’s.

Five central Asian Republics have decided to join the new Soviet Commonwealth following the republics of Russia, Ukraine and Balu, Russia. The new ones are Assissstan, Turkmenistan, Resurestan, Ugabastan and Takibastan.

In what many are calling his final humiliation, Mikhail Gorbachev was traded to the New York Yankees for two rookie outfielders.

The new CIA chief and former agency criminologist Robert Gates said today that the Soviet Union may collapse sometime in the middle 1990’s.

Conservative Republican Pat Buchanan announced his candidacy for president this week, proclaiming his slogan ‘America First’. Meanwhile president Bush was preparing his campaign and proclaiming his slogan ‘American when I have the time’.

Political pollsters said they has to remove the option of undecided from all presidential election polls this year. Apparently people filling the polls out have been afraid that marking ‘undecided’ could be interpreted as a vote from Mario Cuomo.

Salman Rushdie emerged from hiding this week and made a surprising visit to New York City where he spoke at Columbia University. Rushdie says he plans to go ahead with the paperback publication of ‘Satanic Verses’. Weekend Update was fortunate enough to get an advanced copy of the book. [Nealon hides behind desk, so only the book can be seen.] Alright [gets back in his chair]

As freed hostages adjust to their new lives back home, psychologists are warning that their re-entry to a changed world must be gentle and gradual. When they are safely readjusted to society, only then will they be told about Dan Quayle.

After a faulty switch box failed to light the White House Christmas tree, president Bush tried to fix it by hitting and jiggling the box. Finally the method was effective and the tree light up beautifully. Bush immediately suggested putting the US economy in the box and jiggling that.

Well for those of you who missed the William Kennedy Smith trial, here are the highlights. O-bar, massage, towel, too soft, panties and bruises, Teddy, base, lasagna, not guilty. Before the verdict was read, judge Mario- sorry Mary Lupo, was instructed that no emotions be shown in the court room. Upon hearing the not guilty decision, Willy jumped up, spread out a towel and hugged his attorney.

Earlier in a shameful display of tackiness, local merchants and vendors took advantage of the trail by selling everything from souvenir trial t-shirts to high priced advertising space. [screen shows face of alleged victim blocked out by words ‘your ad here’]

Most of North America was reported missing this morning during a routine weather report. Alarmed investigators are questioning neighboring Mexico.

To observe tomorrows Bill of Rights two-hundredth anniversary, I’d like to take this time to demonstrate freedom of speech. [raises his voice] Chucks, chucks, booga booga booga, ooh, ooh, wooh hoo hoo, oooh with your grandmothers underwear! Now that’s what makes America great. See that’s something you cannot do in any other country.

You know there’s a lot of people out there who think they’re really something, but they’re not, and to them I’d like to say be very, very careful because maybe one day you may just turn out to be something you’re not.

Inventor Robert Kearns has won a lawsuit against Chrysler for its infringement for his patent on his intermittent windshield wipers. Victory is expected to result in other inventors suing over similar features of Chrysler cars including intermittent engines, intermittent brakes and intermittent seatbelts.

And if you’re into expensive Christmas gifts, here’s a suggestion. The new swiss army car. It has 101 uses besides driving.

Smooth Joe Camel is in serious condition today. Doctors had to perform emergency surgery after he discovered that his trademark camel humps were actually two giant tumors caused by years of compulsive smoking. Following the surgery, Camel announced that they would be changing the brand name to ‘Llama’.

And as a reminder, only ten shoplifting days until Christmas.

According to US postal Service in Columbus, Ohio, a worker jokingly programmed a scanner to print ‘you bitch’ on ten thousand envelopes that were supposed to carry a holiday message. The prank went unnoticed and all ten thousand letters were delivered to Leona Helmsley.

Consumer Watchdog Group now says that if you play Madonna’s records backwards, you hear satanic messages. The good news is if you play her videos backwards, she puts her clothes on and abstains from sex.

New York City officials are once again cautioning tourists during the holiday season and if you see a man in a red velvet suit calling ‘ho, ho, ho’, make sure he is a sidewalk santa and not a pimp drumming up business.

Well Einstein’s theory of relativity, which postulates that people age more slowly when traveling through space was proven wrong this week with the release of Star Trek 6.

You know I’ve seen Cocoon twice and this is the same picture.

Alright, and in other entertainment news, Tristar’s long awaited Hook opened this week across the nation. [picture of Barbra Streisand shown]

I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

SNL Transcripts