Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 11




91k: Chevy Chase / Robbie Robertson

Jeffrey Dahmer

Jeffrey Dahmer.....Chevy Chase
Attorney #1.....Phil Hartman
Attorney #2.....Kevin Nealon
Guard.....Chris Rock

"Milwaukee County Security Prison"

Attorney #1: We’re the court appointed attorney’s for Jeffrey Dahmer. [security guard opens door for both men]

Jeffrey Dahmer: Michael, Allen, thanks for coming.

Attorney #2: Jeffrey, what was it that you wanted to see us about?

Jeffrey Dahmer: Gentlemen, I think I found a way to convince the jury I’m insane.

Attorney #1: Is that really a concern Jeff? I think in that area we’re doing pretty well.

Attorney #2: Yes we’re confident the jury is going to find you insane.

Jeffrey Dahmer: Well that’s easy for you to say, it’s my ass they’re gonna fry.

Attorney #2: Well we just feel cannibalism together with a box of bones will prove that you were mentally ill at the time of- Jeffrey Dahmer: I’m glad you guys are so confident. I’m not so sure. Alright, let’s stay focused. Our problem is we’ve got 3 days to get that jury to believe I’m out of my mind.

Attorney #1: Jeff we’ve got a psychiatrist from Northeastern University in Boston who has agreed to testify.

Jeffrey Dahmer: Ok here’s my plan. I go in there money- on Monday, or money- looking really depressed like this. Then I start talking to myself im imaginary lingo, like DeNiro did in that sitcom, ‘Taxi’. [as he moves his head side to side] You talkin to me? You talkin to me? What’s the matter, You talkin to me? You talkin to me? Hey, who you talkin to, me? On the way back to the holding area, I let out a little bark and yell like this: Rough, rough, rough, rough, rough.

Attorney #2: Mr. Dahmer, if you will just take your seat please.

Attorney #1: Jeff if you’ll forgive me, I think you’ve been overthinking this. My best legal advice is that you go into that court room, relax, and just be yourself.

Attorney #2: If you’re found insane-

Jeffrey Dahmer: IF I’m found insane-

Attorney #2: You will be committed to a mental institution. After a year, you can petition for your release.

Jeffrey Dahmer: Um hmm. [starts eating his fingers, that are really plastic] Let me see if I understand where you’re going with this. You’re both pretty confident I’ll be found insane, is that correct?

[both attorneys become nautious]

Attorney #1: [yelling] Guard! Guard!

Jeffrey Dahmer: I spend a year in a nuthouse, then I can petition to leave. I mean it’s just that easy. No problem for me. [attorneys exit room]

Guard: Jeff what are we gonna have to do with you?

Jeffrey Dahmer: What do you mean?

Guard: By the way, that reporter from ‘A Current Affair’ is here to see you.

Jeffrey Dahmer: Today?

Guard: Yeah.

Jeffrey Dahmer: Well ok send him in.

[reporter walks in, signaling for the guard to come back in]


Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg


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