91k: Chevy Chase / Robbie Robertson
Jeffrey Dahmer.....Chevy Chase
Attorney #1.....Phil Hartman
Attorney #2.....Kevin Nealon
"Milwaukee County Security Prison"
Attorney #1: Weíre the court appointed attorneyís for Jeffrey Dahmer. [security guard opens door for both men]
Jeffrey Dahmer: Michael, Allen, thanks for coming.
Attorney #2: Jeffrey, what was it that you wanted to see us about?
Jeffrey Dahmer: Gentlemen, I think I found a way to convince the jury Iím insane.
Attorney #1: Is that really a concern Jeff? I think in that area weíre doing pretty well.
Attorney #2: Yes weíre confident the jury is going to find you insane.
Jeffrey Dahmer: Well thatís easy for you to say, itís my ass theyíre gonna fry.
Attorney #2: Well we just feel cannibalism together with a box of bones will prove that you were mentally ill at the time of-
Jeffrey Dahmer: Iím glad you guys are so confident. Iím not so sure. Alright, letís stay focused. Our problem is weíve got 3 days to get that jury to believe Iím out of my mind.
Attorney #1: Jeff weíve got a psychiatrist from Northeastern University in Boston who has agreed to testify.
Jeffrey Dahmer: Ok hereís my plan. I go in there money- on Monday, or money- looking really depressed like this. Then I start talking to myself im imaginary lingo, like DeNiro did in that sitcom, ĎTaxií. [as he moves his head side to side] You talkin to me? You talkin to me? Whatís the matter, You talkin to me? You talkin to me? Hey, who you talkin to, me? On the way back to the holding area, I let out a little bark and yell like this: Rough, rough, rough, rough, rough.
Attorney #2: Mr. Dahmer, if you will just take your seat please.
Attorney #1: Jeff if youíll forgive me, I think youíve been overthinking this. My best legal advice is that you go into that court room, relax, and just be yourself.
Attorney #2: If youíre found insane-
Jeffrey Dahmer: IF Iím found insane-
Attorney #2: You will be committed to a mental institution. After a year, you can petition for your release.
Jeffrey Dahmer: Um hmm. [starts eating his fingers, that are really plastic] Let me see if I understand where youíre going with this. Youíre both pretty confident Iíll be found insane, is that correct?
[both attorneys become nautious]
Attorney #1: [yelling] Guard! Guard!
Jeffrey Dahmer: I spend a year in a nuthouse, then I can petition to leave. I mean itís just that easy. No problem for me. [attorneys exit room]
Guard: Jeff what are we gonna have to do with you?
Jeffrey Dahmer: What do you mean?
Guard: By the way, that reporter from ĎA Current Affairí is here to see you.
Jeffrey Dahmer: Today?
Jeffrey Dahmer: Well ok send him in.
[reporter walks in, signaling for the guard to come back in]
Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg