Bob Swerski's Quiz Masters

Bob Swerski.....George Wendt
Pat Arnold.....Mike Myers
Carl Wollarski.....Rob Smigel
Todd O'Conner.....Chris Farley
Denise Swerski.....Beth Cahill



Announcer: Due to a lack of interest, the Superbowl will be pre-empted in the Chicago area. Please stay tuned for this far more entertaining fare, my friends.

Announcer #2: It's time to test your knowledge against the best, with "Bob Swerski's Quiz Masters"! Now, here's your host, Bob Swerski!

Bob Swerski: [ enters game set ] Good afternoon, folks, and welcome to "Quiz Masters", live from Chicago, IL, home to a certain team, which, come January 1993, will clasp in its burly hands a certain Superbowl trophy, a team which is known as.. Da Bears!

Superfans: [ glasses raised ] Da Bears!

Bob Swerski: Contestants, if you are ready, let's look at today's categories - we have: "Bears", "Ditaka", "Bulls", "Famous Ditkas Through History", "Ditka-tionary", and "Grab Bag". Okay, we flipped the coin backstage, and, Pat, you have control.

Pat Arnold: Let's start with "Bears" for $100.

Bob Swerski: "Certain Superbowl winner 1993-1998." [ Pat buzzes ] Pat?

Pat Arnold: Da Bears!

Bob Swerski: Da Bears is correct! Okay, try again!

Pat Arnold: Okay, I'll try "Bears" for $200.

Bob Swerski: "Bears vs. Robert Fulton in inventing the steamboat." [ Todd buzzes ] Todd?

Todd O'Conner: Da Bears!

Bob Swerski: Okay! Todd, you have control of the board!

Todd O'Conner: Let's go with "Bears" for $300.

Bob Swerski: "In 1957, Eisenhower said he'd like a foreign policy like the defense of a certain team." [ no one buzzes ] Sorry, gentlemen, the answer was.. Da Bears. Okay, okay, before we continue, let's take a moment to meet our contestants.. [ walks up to them ] Todd? How ya doing..? [ light responses ] Okay, great! Let's get back to the game! Todd, you still have control of the board!

Todd O'Conner: Okay.. let me have "Ditka" for $100.

Bob Swerski: "Ditka's Styling Mousse". [ Carl buzzes in ] Carl?

Carl Wollarski: Nexxus Pro Formula-7000.

Bob Swerski: Carl, you are on the board!

Carl Wollarski: Let's go to "Bulls", for $200.

Bob Swerski: For $200: "What if the Bulls were.. [ Todd buzzes ] Todd?

Todd O'Conner: Bulls, 142-61.

Bob Swerski: That is correct! I'll finish the question, however: "What if the Bulls were playing Phoenix, and Jordan played the entire game in a La-Z-Boy recliner", and the answer: Bulls 142, Phoneix, 61 - very good, Todd!

Todd O'Conner: Let's go back to "Ditka, for $200, Bob.

Bob Swerski: Alright. For $200: "True or False. Ditka can affect the weather according to his mood". [ Pat buzzes ] Pat?

Pat Arnold: True!

Bob Swerski: It is true. Okay, we got a good one going here right now. But for those of you who had some money on the game, let's get a Superbowl update from my daughter, the lovely Denise.

Denise Swerski: [ offstage, standing next to a TV ] Both teams look like garbage, Dad. All's I know is, Da Bears could be kicking some major butt right now!

Bob Swerski: Alright, isn't she lovely? Thank you, Denise. Right now, let's pause for this commercial.

[ fade to Todd, Pat, and Carl sitting at their favorite table at Ditka's restaurant, and obviously reading off of cue cards ]

Carl Wollarski: Great to have you back from your heart attack.. Todd.

Todd O'Conner: Thanks.. The doc's got me on a special.. low-fat diet. I'm a new man.

Pat Arnold: A special diet? But, Todd.. you got a full plate of Polish sausage.

Todd O'Conner: [ laughs ] No, I don't, Pat.. this is a Polish sausage substitute..

Carl Wollarski: Dat's right.. it's called.. I Can't Believe It's Not Polish Sausage.

Pat Arnold: A polish sausage sub-stitute..? I could never eat dat..

Todd O'Conner: You're eating it right now.. my friend..

Announcer: [ over product card ] I Can't Believe It's Not Polish Sausage. From DitCo.

[ fade back to "Quiz Masters" ]

Bob Swerski: Alright, welcome back. Pat has control of the board. Pat?

Pat Arnold: Alright, let's try "Grab Bag" for $100.

[ bells sound ]

Bob Swerski: Oh! Lightning Round! Okay, Pat, three questions, 10 seconds. Here we go: "Greatest Movie of all Time."

Pat Arnold: Da Bear!

Bob Swerski: "Greatest 19th Century Novelist."

Pat Arnold: Flaubert!

Bob Swerski: "Tastiest Cheese Available to Man."

Pat Arnold: Camembert!

Bob Swerski: Good job, Pat! [ end of round sounds ] That means it's time for the Final Quiz Masters! Todd, you are still in the lead, but this question is worth $500, so anyone can win. First, let's hear what our second and third place winners will receive.

Announcer: Contestants will receive a gift certificate from Yuremovic's sportsjackets and slacks - "Hey, that's a sharp looking sportcoat!" And a custom Bear paint job, courtesy of Vincent Van Bear, on Lincoln - no more sloppy paint job, now it's Vincent Van Bear. Back to you, Bob.

Bob Swerski: Alright, contestants, here we go. The Final Quiz Masters question is: "Bears vs. Bulls." Write in your answers now, gentlemen. [ music plays ] "Da Bears vs. Da Bulls." [ music ends ] Okay, that was a tough one. Let's see what our contestants said. First, Pat.. [ Pat holds up card with Bulls and Bears scratched out various times ] Looks like Pat ran out of time.. sorry, buddy. [ moves to Carl ] Okay, Carl whattaya have here? [ Carl holds up illegible Bears-Bulls combo ] Eh.. what do you say, Carl?

Carl Wollarski: Well, what do you think it says?

Bob Swerski: [ chuckles ] That's a nice try, Carl! That's okay, that's good.. [ moves to Todd ] Alright, todd says: [ takes Todd's card ] "The senseless waste of pitting these two mighty forces of nature against each other, like matter vs. anti-matter, will be a tragedy, not only for the teams involved.." [ flips card over ] "..but for our planet. All nations must band together, to ensure that such a conflageration never takes place." That is absolutely CORRECT!! Todd, you are da WINNER!! Todd, of course, now you win the grand prize - five minutes in the cheese-fry booth!

[ Todd is led into the booth ]

Here's your bucket of cheese, Todd! Get on in there, we're all proud of you, buddy! Five minutes in the cheese-fry booth. [ machine starts dropping cheese-fries onto Todd ] And there they go! [ Todd collects all the fries he can ]

Okay, the Superbowl's still going on, so stay tuned for a special presentation of "The Blues Brothers". Good night, everybody!


SNL Transcripts