Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 17: Episode 11

91k: Chevy Chase / Robbie Robertson

Comforting Tim

.....Tim Meadows
.....Victoria Jackson
.....Chevy Chase

Victoria Jackson: Chevy, itís really great to have you back here.

Chevy Chase: Oh, thanks Gloria.

Victoria Jackson: Um, Victoria.

Chevy Chase: Whatever

Tim Meadows: [passes by sobbing] Oh great, thanks a lot.

Chevy Chase: What happened? Who was that?

Victoria Jackson: Thatís Tim.

Chevy Chase: Well whyís he crying? Excuse me, Tim? Tim. [Finds Tim crying in dressing room] Tim whatís wrong?

Tim Meadows: Nothing, thanks though Mr. Chase.

Chevy Chase: Come on, sit back, relax. You know Tim, when you share something with another person, a bond is created. We both work on the show, and thatís now where the similarity ends. Come on what is it, your family?

Tim Meadows: [Shaking head] No, no.

Chevy Chase: Is it you? Are you sick?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: Someone you know sick?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: Did you make someone sick?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: Health related:

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: Hemorrhoids?

Tim Meadows: [shaking head] No.

Chevy Chase: Some type of discharge?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: You can tell me, I mean it. Did you kill someone? I did, you can tell me.

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: itís not hemorrhoids, you didnít kill anyone. Are you gay? Thatís ok, do you like me? You want to have sex with me?

Tim Meadows: No [shaking head repeatedly]

Chevy Chase: Youíre sure?

Tim Meadows: Yes.

Chevy Chase: Not gay, not after me. Did you rape someone?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: Were you raped? You wanna rape me?

Tim Meadows: NO.

Chevy Chase: You sure?

Tim Meadows: Iím sure.

Chevy Chase: Didnít rape. Did an animal have sex with you?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: You want to have sex with an animal?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: You sure, cuz I will, Iíve done it before, itís not a problem.

Tim Meadows: No, no Iím fine Mr. Chase, really, thank you though.

Chevy Chase: Now look Tim, I donít know what can be wrong with you but I want you to know I respect your privacy and if you ever want to talk to me, you can. Can I tell you somethin? Itíll make you feel better.

Tim Meadows: Sure, sure.

Chevy Chase: This used to be my dressing room.

Tim Meadows: Really?

Chevy Chase: Yep.

Tim Meadows: Wow thatís great.

Chevy Chase: Anyway I remember one time I was depressed about my life and career. I came in here, sat down and just started makin up songs. Made me feel better. You wanna hear one?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: You sure? I could play one.

Tim Meadows: No, no thanks though Mr. Chase, I think I get the point. You came in here, you made up songs, and thatís what brought you out of your depression, right?

Chevy Chase: [laughing] No no no, I was signed to a multi-picture deal and thatís what woke me up. I realized Iíd never have to look at these walls again, thatís what basically brought me out of it.

Tim Meadows: Well whatís the point?

Chevy Chase: There really is no point Tim, no point at all, to anything. Donít try to find an answer to life, ok? In the end, we all die anyway. Itís usually slow and painful. Feel better?

Tim Meadows: No.

Chevy Chase: Well now go out there and do a good show.

Tim Meadows: Iím not in anything except for this.

Chevy Chase: Oh, well go get me a sandwich.

Tim Meadows: Sure, Mr. Chase. [walks out]

[Chevy starts playing guitar]

Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg

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