Mike Tyson Trial

Prosecution.....Phil Hartman
Defense.....Mike Myers
Judge.....Susan Dey



[ open on Mike Tyson Trial at the Indianapolis Superior Court ]

Prosecution: Your Honor, I would like the medical report on abrasions admitted as evidence.

Defense: Your Honor, I object! This is not evidence in this case. Sexual relations were consensual, and any abrasions were simply the results of my client's larger-than-average anatomy.

Prosecution: Your Honor, we've heard this ridiculous argument, and once again I must object to this line of defense. Mr. Tyson's "larger-than-average anatomy", this alleged "endowment", is unfounded and unsubstantiated!

Judge: Counsel will aproach the bench. [ Prosecution and Defense step up to the bench ] I'm afriad I have to agree wih Prosecution here.

Defense: Your Honor, my client is prepared to support this argument.

Judge: Well, if Defense is ready to present such evidence, you may proceed. But, I caution you, it had better be relevant to this case.

Defense: Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Tyson?

[ Mr. Tyson stands up, opens his jacket, and unzips his pants. With his back to the camera, we hear a loud thud, as his penis drops to the floor. The Judge is stunned by the enormous size. ]

Judge: I'll allow it. [ sips water ]

Prosecution: Your Honor, again, I object to this line of defense. We all know that size does not matter, it simply doesn't matter!

Judge: [ still looking at Tyson's enormous penis ] The relevance of size has never been determined by a U.S. Court.. therefore.. we'll allow it.

Prosecution: Your Honor, I request permission to address the impact of this new evidence with the jury.

Defense: Uh, we have no objection.

Judge: Very well. The evidence is admitted. The prosecution may address the jury.

Prosecution: [ stands before the jury, working his way through them to the right ] Ladies and gentlemen.. the judge has ordered you to consider this new.. "piece" of evidence. [ female juror sits wide-eyed, mouth agape ] How you consider it, will be up to you! [ male juror gives the "okay" sign to Tyson ] The Defense is asking you to characterize this evidence as exceptional! Larger-than-average!! But let me caution you: if we come to the concluson that size is somehow relevant, we are sending a powerful message into every home and locker room in America! [ black juror nods his head ] Let us take a moment to consider the evidence. Let's ask ourselves: what is large? Who among us is qualified to determine what is large? [ female juror in the back raises her hand slowly ] In order to judge the evidence as larger-than-average, we must first determine what is average! Six inches? Five? Let's say a man who is five-foot-ten-and-a-half and maybe.. perhaps just a smidgeon under five inches. And I'm talking about just the hair! Would that be considered average? [ female juror in front shakes her head no ] Well, certainly it would be considered adequate? [ two feamle jurors in the front look at one another, then simultaneously shake their heads no ] But is it not true, that it isn't the size, it's what you do with it? [ two female jurors again shake their heads no simultaneously ] All I'm saying, is size is not important! Believe me, I've heard this all my life! That size doesn't really matter!! It's irrelevant!!

Defense: Your Honor, I object!

Judge: Sustained.

Prosecution: It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean! It's a fact! We've all heard that!

Defense: Your Honor?

Judge: Sustained.

Prosecution: Alright, then I'll rephrase it.. It doesn't take a long hose to put out a fire!

Defense: I object.

Judge: Sustained.

Prosecution: Alright.. I'm only saying, it's not the axe, it's how you swing it!

Defense: Your Honor, please.

[ Judge starts banging her gavel ]

Announcer: Coming up on Court TV, testimony from John Gotti's manicurist.


SNL Transcripts