Dick Clark's Receptionist

Michael Tassoni.....Kevin Nealon
Receptionist.....David Spade
.....Roseanne Arnold
Elderly Woman.....Julia Sweeney
Jesus.....Phil Hartman



[ open on the Reception Area of Dick Clark Studios, his Receptionist sitting behind a desk reading a book and paying attention mainly to himself ]

Michael Tassoni: [ enters ] Hi, I'm here to see Mr. Clark.

Receptionist: Okay, and you are..?

Michael Tassoni: Michael Tassoni.

Receptionist: And this is regarding..?

Michael Tassoni: Mr. Clark is buying a few custom made suits from our company, and he asked me if I would stop by today and take his measurements.

Receptionist: Right.. so you don't have an appointment.

Michael Tassoni: Well.. no, not really.. I mean he..

Receptionist: Okay.. if you could just have a seat.

Michael Tassoni: But..

Receptionist: [ whispering ] Thanks.

[ Roseanne Arnold enters, and attempts to walk past the Receptionist into Dick Clark's office ]

Receptionist: Uh, uh, hi! Hello!

Roseanne Arnold: Oh, hi. I'm here to see Dick.

Receptionist: And you are..?

Roseanne Arnold: [ aghast ] Are you kidding?

Receptionist: No, ma'am.

Roseanne Arnold: Roseanne.. Arnold. Ring a bell?

Receptionist: [ not ringing his bell ] And he would know you from..?

Roseanne Arnold: Maybe from my own show that happens to be Number One in the Nielsens.

Receptionist: Right.. and is that some sort of contest or something? I don't..

Roseanne Arnold: Are you seriously this stupid? I have my own TV show - like Bill Cosby.

Receptionist: Right.. and he is..?

Roseanne Arnold: A TV star, like me!

Receptionist: TV?

Roseanne Arnold: Yeah, you know, TV, where an electron gun sends eletron particles out of a cathode-ray tube and they travel over the airwaves to a satellite, then back down to earth in a rectangular box that unscrambles them so people can stare at them?

Receptionist: I'm no stranger to sarcasm.

Roseanne Arnold: Listen, peewee, forty million people see me every Tuesday night.

Receptionist: I only watch PBS. Please forgive me. I'm sure you're very famous, and if you could just have a seat, it won't be long.

Roseanne Arnold: Don't talk down to me, you little tick, or I'll throw you back on the mangy dog's ass you jumped off of!

Receptionist: Using that tone won't get you in any faster. I suggest you wait your turn. Now, do you need a parking validation, or..

Roseanne Arnold: NO! [ angrily plops down next to Michael Tassoni, and lights a cigarette ]

Receptionist: Would you be a lamb and not smoke? Thanks.

Roseanne Arnold: [ to Michael Tassoni ] This guy gets under my skin like a chigger.

Receptionist: Uh.. I heard that.

Roseanne Arnold: [ bitchy ] Good!

[ an Elderly Woman enters, stands very emotional, near tears, in front of the Receptionist's desk ]

Elderly Woman: Excuse me.. this is very hard for me. I'm Dick Clark's biological mother. I gave Richard up for adoption when he was three weeks old, and not a day goes by when it doesn't tear me apart inside, not knowing if I made the right decision. I know he's spent years looking for me, and I'm finally ready to see him. I have an aching void inside me, and seeing his face is the only thing that could..

Receptionist: I'm sorry, I was on the phone, did you have a question?

Elderly Woman: No, I'm sorry.. this was a bad idea..

Receptionist: No, no. You can stay. But can I ask you a favor? Would you be a dove and wait over there for him? [ waves his hands toward the others ] We like to keep this area clear. Thanks.

[ Elderly Woman sits down near the others ]

Roseanne Arnold: [ struts over to the Receptionist's desk ] By the way, I just made your whole year's salary while I was sitting here. Just thought I'd let you know that. [ returns to her seat ]

[ a cloud of smoke appears suddenly - the Son of Man steps out ]

Jesus: Hello, my son.

Receptionist: Hi. And you are..?

Jesus: I am the Lord. I'm here to get on the airwaves that Richard Clark controls to tell the world I have come back as I promised.

Receptionist: Now.. did you have an appointment, or..?
Jesus: My son, don't you recognize Me from the Bible?

Receptionist: I'm not a big reader. If you could just have a seat.

Jesus: [ stern ] Listen. Friend..

Receptionist: I know. If you could just have a seat. Thanks.

[ relunctant, Jesus impishly sits down next to the others ]

Roseanne Arnold: [ to Jesus ] Isn't he the worst?

Jesus: He really is.

Michael Tassoni: Can't you do something?

Jesus: I will. In a minute.

Receptionist: Threatening me with eternal damnation won't get you in any faster. [ phone rings ] Dick Clark Productions! And you are..?

[ zoom out to black ]


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