Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 14






91n: Roseanne & Tom Arnold / Red Hot Chili Peppers

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

.....Kevin Nealon
Grumpy Old Man.....Dana Carvey

Kevin Nealon: Good evening I’m Kevin Nealon and I’m presently recovering from an attempted triple lutz.

Our top story: Pat Buchanan has predicted that President Bush will now deploy all the kings horses and all the kings men to defeat him in the upcoming primaries. Bush seized upon the analogy and angrily retorted ‘hey diddle did, the cat and the fiddle’.

Now our lead story. In the New Hampshire primary, Paul Tsongas beat the other democrats on Tuesday night with 34% of the vote. Although that was an important victory, Tsongas is already being compared to Michael Dukakis and will have to campaign vigorously to prove he’s not another geek- uh Greek from Massachusetts.

And now our top leading story. Democratic hopeful Tom Harkin ended up in the National Primary with 10% of the vote. Harkin said if he had just gotten 80% of the vote, it would have been a totally different primary.

Meanwhile an exit poll indicates that 94% of all exits are used by people leaving buildings. The other 6% were used by confused people looking for the entrance.

Until Wednesday, president Bush had refused to say president Bush’s name in public, referring to him his challenger as ‘the other guy’. Bush changed his practice after voters came under the impression that he was running against Gene Siskel.

At a campaign rally this week, president Bush responded to a question about Pat Buchanan by saying simply, ‘Buchanan, hey, I got your Buchanan right here!’ [pointing to his crotch].

Well the senate passed a new energy bill this week intended to find alternative fuel sources that could possibly bring out some sort of charisma in Paul Tsongas. We’ll see how that goes.

CIA director Robert Gates announced today that he plans to make public secret files on the assassination of John F. Kennedy. Weekend Update has already obtained one of the files. [screen shows file will all words black out, except ‘Oswald’] This document seems to confirm the warrant commissions findings that Oswald did act alone.

This week ‘Time’ magazine reveals that former president Ronald Reagan and Pope John Paul II formed a secret alliance in 1982 to help save Poland’s outlawed solidarity movement. The Pope and Reagan were often referred to by insiders as ‘forgive and forget’.

Salman Rushdie, still in hiding since his Islamic death sentence, has announced he’ll marry for the third time. Must be tough being married to him, I’ll say. [impersonating Rushdie’s wife] We never go out! We never go out! You don’t take me anywhere!

Sex advisors Masters and Johnson are getting divorced after 21 years of marriage. But the couple says the split is merely based on differences in the goals each has in the balance of their lives. It’s a condition more commonly knowns as the ‘he still wants to, she doesn’t’ syndrome.

In a related story, Johnson and Johnson, the famous shampoo couple are calling it quits. A messy fight is expected for custody of the baby shampoo.

A US nuclear submarine collided with a Russian nuclear sub last week near the Arctic Circle. Paramount studios already plans to turn the action into a feature film called ‘Das Booboo’. The damage was minor compared to a very messy collision several years ago between a US sub and an Italian sub with everything on it.

Environmentalists report that the slime and sludge currently polluting the waters of New York harbor are actually due to the leaking implants installed in the Statue of Liberty during a recent renovation.

You know, I had a laugh this morning…

A wallet that belonged to George Washington stolen last month from a New Jersey museum was returned to police this week. The wallet contained only a small portrait of the late president and was worth about a dollar.

Well, Austrailia won the gold metal in the Olympic 4 men bobsled races held today in Alberville, France. Let’s take a look at that exciting winning run right now. [screen shows video of bobsled racing for a few seconds, from a fans perspective] There they go. That was a $45 ticket by the way, very exciting.

The US, seemed disappointed with the results yesterday, traded Hershel Walker to the unified team for a case of vodka and a Serb to be named later.

Here with more on the subject is our Grumpy Old Man. Grumpy.

Grumpy Old Man: Yeah, I’m a grumpy old man and I don’t like things compared to the way they used to be. Nowadays they got a thing called the winter Olympics with all their modern and safe equipment- who needs it? Progress- flibody flabody floobody flaboslash. In my day, we didn’t have these fancy new skis. In my day we’d find an avalanche, pull out the corpses, strap ‘em to our ferr and go flyin down the mountain, yellin ‘look at me, I’m ridin dead people!’. Whoopee! It was a thing of beauty I tell ya. Nowadays if you win an event, they give you a gold metal. Phooey! In my day, if you won they have you a rotten piece of stinkin wood. If you got the bronze, they’d slam steel spikes through your feet. And you’d scream ‘but I won’t lose again’. Course you won’t, you won’t walk again, hee hee hee! Oh it was beautiful. In my day, we’d compete. One vent was ‘freeze your lips through the freezing metal pole’. Whoever pryed their moth off the pole first won. The winner would look like a bleeding lipless idiot holdin a stinkin piece of wood with spikes through his feet sayin ‘look at me, I’m a freak, and I love it!’. Oh it was glorious. Where did it all go wrong? Why God why? Why God all mighty Jehovah answer me, why? Why? Why?

Kevin Nealon: Thank you Grumpy. What a grump.

The hat worn by Oswald killer Jack Ruby has sold at auction for $12,000. While the price was respectable, the hat didn’t bring as much as the legendary Ruby slippers, which went for nearly $100,000.

Michael Jackson returned from Africa after getting in trouble for touching his nose. Local residents thought he was saying ‘they smelled bad’. Michael apologized and said he’ll try to break the nose habit and go back to more familiar territory. [screen shows picture of Jackson grabbing his crotch]

You know, there’s a big, big world out there filled with millions of people, and at any given moment, you just might be one of them.

This week, Heraldo Rivera had fat cells from his behind implanted in his head to remove wrinkles. That would make him a butthead wouldn’t it? Well in turn he also had fat cells removed from his brain to get the wrinkles out of his ass.

In tragic news today, Elroy Jetson of the famed Jetson family was arrested for armed robbery. Elroy and an unidentified masked accomplice walked into a bank and said, ‘rand rover rour money’.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon and that’s news to me.


Submitted by: Ethan Greenberg


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