Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 17: Episode 15




91o: John Goodman / Garth Brooks

Star Trek Democrats

Jerry Brown.....Dana Carvey
Paul Tsongas.....Al Franken
Trekkie # 1.....Mike Myers
Bill Clinton.....Phil Hartman
Trekkie # 2.....Chris Farley

[Video of the White House exterior.]

C-SPAN Announcer: Now, C-SPAN continues its coverage of the 1992 presidential campaign with "Road to the White House."

[Video of the exterior of a Marriott hotel.]

C-SPAN Announcer: On Friday, former California Governor Jerry Brown spoke to the 17th Annual "Star Trek" Convention at the O'Hare Marriott Hotel. Our C-SPAN camera -- the only camera we have -- was there, as was our microphone.

[Fade to Jerry Brown at the convention hall podium, addressing an audience of very geeky "Star Trek" fans. He speaks with great seriousness and intensity.]

Jerry Brown: Thank you. Thank you, Trekkers. Thank you very much. Now, I want to say that 23 years ago this fall, "Star Trek" was canceled. And, and I think it's a shame and a travesty that we don't have a single prime-time science fiction show on our network schedule today. And in the Sixties, if you look at what we did out there in California, we had "Outer Limits," we had "Twilight Zone," "Star Trek," as well as "Lost in Space," and now all we have is "Star Trek: The Next Generation," and that's in syndication. Now, some people say there's not enough audience for science fiction on television, but if you go back and look at -- and look at when "Star Trek" was canceled, it had a 21 percent share of the audience. Now today, that's a hit. That's a "Knots Landing" or a "Tequila and Bonetti." Now, see, now, we have this giant, bloated Nielsen system in place, and it just perpetuates itself. Now, but under my plan -- under my plan, what we have is a mandatory 13 percent flat audience share, so that shows like "Doctor Who" or "Alien Nation" can stay on and have a chance to develop, and you won't have bankrupt programming, you know, like "Matlock" with Andy Griffith -- and I'm sorry, but he hasn't had a new idea in twenty years, and I'll say it to Andy Griffith's face. I mean, he may be an honorable man, but what he's doing is just business as usual, and I'd like to see "Matlock" off the air. So that we take that "Matlock" money, right there, and you bring in your best people -- Isaac Asimov, your Carl Sagan, some puppeteers -- and you put more fantasy scripts in development, because I think R&D is a very important part of getting science fiction shows on the air. And if you agree with me, call my 800 number [he holds up a placard with the number written on it] "1-800-NOT-FLAKY."

[Video of Marriott exterior.]

C-SPAN Announcer: Later that day, former Massachusetts Senator Paul Tsongas addressed the same gathering.

[Fade to Paul Tsongas at the podium. He speaks in a very croaky, high-pitched voice, and constantly gestures with his hands.]

Paul Tsongas: Okay. Okay, now, now, earlier -- yeah, Jerry Brown talked, yeah, about "Star Trek," okay? Y'know, and, and, he put himself forward as, y'know, the "Star Trek" candidate, okay? [Pauses to cough] Okay, but I was, y'know, the first candidate to, uh, carry around the "Star Trek" lunchbox, okay? [He holds up said lunchbox] Okay? Now, when Jerry Brown talks about "Star Trek," okay, what he forgets is that I wrote a book, okay? A book. And it's here. It's a book. [He holds up the book] It's here. It's "The Insider's Guide to 'Star Trek,'" written by Paul Tsongas, okay, with introduction by DeForest Kelley, okay? So, y'know, read the book, okay, and you decide, y'know, who is the candidate, y'know, who's one of you? I say it's -- I say it's me. It's me, okay? Okay. Are there any, um, any questions? You, sir, you have a question?

[A Trekkie raises his hand and gets up. He has the same voice as Tsongas.]

Trekkie # 1: Yeah, I just want to say that you're the first candidate I really feel I can trust, okay? It seems that all the other candidates just want to be Santa Claus.

Paul Tsongas: I don't -- I don't want to be Santa Claus.

Trekkie # 1: I know. I know. I know. I know.

Paul Tsongas: Bill Clinton wants to be Santa Claus. I don't want to be Santa Claus. Santa Claus was not a leader, okay? Captain Kirk was a leader. I want to be Captain Kirk, okay?

[The audience applauds. Fade back to Marriott exterior.]

C-SPAN Announcer: Later, Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton also spoke to the "Star Trek" Convention.

[Fade to Bill Clinton at the podium.]

Bill Clinton: Thank you. Now, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm not going to stand up here and pretend that I know as much about "Star Trek" as Senator Tsongas or Governor Brown. I've always enjoyed the show. But I admit that I didn't get to see it as much as I would have liked when it was first on. And I've been very candid about that. As I've explained, "Star Trek" was on during a very difficult time in my marriage. But since then, Hillary and I have worked things out and we've managed to see most of the episodes in syndication, and I've made no secret about that. Yes, you have a question?

[A Trekkie gets up, flashing the Vulcan hand salute.]

Trekkie # 2: Yes, Governor, what is your reaction to the news that Leonard Nimoy has endorsed Senator Tsongas?

Bill Clinton: [surprised] What?

Trekkie # 2: Well, you know -- the announcement that Leonard Nimoy is backing Senator Tsongas.

Bill Clinton: [angered] Well, that is a new low in backstabbing! After all his talk about integrity -- it's just a cheap actor's stunt! And he's no better than Shatner! He's no better than Shatner! [He smashes his fists on the podium, destroying it, and then begins kicking what's left of it.]

[Fade back to the White House exterior.]

C-SPAN Announcer: This concludes C-SPAN's coverage of "Road to the White House." Next on C-SPAN, live from New York, it's Saturday night.


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